all of the bad feelings have disappeared

 First off, I’m so glad that the OD-pocalypse seemed to be along the lines of the Mayan calendar and Harold Camping predictions – a little exaggerated.  I’m also glad my favorites understood about my RL/OD line and went along with my slightly off-the wall concept of my OD Facebook profile.  You should all know that I would love to tear down that veil that separates the two worlds, but every time my hand reaches for the curtain, I recall the pain from past betrayals and my hand falls.  Maybe someday.  I truly truly hope.

On another level, I’m starting to realize that I really hate Michigan.  I just completely do not belong there.  I don’t fit in with any group or any people.  I believe that struggles can make a person stronger, one can overexert themselves with anything.  I really think thats what happened a few weeks ago.  I reached my breaking point.  Everyone has a different reaction when reaching that breaking point and mine involves suicidal thoughts, knives and a lot of depression.  Oh so healthy, I know.  I haven’t gotten that bad since I was in college.  And it was really bad.  Even the people who knew it happened, I don’t think I let on to any of them exactly how bad things got.  Its one thing when a person tells you they are bipolar and sometimes have "episodes."  Its entirely a different matter when they lay out their suicide plan, or describe, in detail, whats its like to cut.  The bad part of not telling anyone how bad it got, is my complete indifference to crap that doesn’t matter in comparison.  "I’m sorry you didn’t get the music in time to practice.  Instead of bringing them to your house that afternoon, I was thinking about killing myself.  But your problem is SOOO much worse."  Or "I’m sorry the bulletin didn’t get proofed.  My arm was covered in slices and the bleeding hadn’t stopped.  But a typo is the bigger travesty."  Yah, I can be kind of a bitch.

I don’t know why, but I feel like my new pastor has a better grip on reality.  He doesn’t need to know how bad things were, and he doesn’t demand explanations.  Rather, he’s outlined a new plan for what happens when I go AWOL, which will hopefully lower stress levels on both sides.  There’s nothing worse than losing my mind only to return to a reality of screaming people.  I’m grateful to be alive, and their issues are incredibly stupid in comparison.  But I don’t want to really tell people all the details, so they can’t appreciate the comparison.  That’s where this new plan will hopefully help.  Only one way to find out!

Anyways – all this was also against the backdrop of me having no vacation, no break.  Nearly everyone else got a break at Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years – if not all of those times.  They were allowed to recharge, and be with people who refresh them.  I didn’t get that. I worked my fucking ass off straight through those holidays AND I was sick with a cold on top of it.  I don’t think I let myself admit that until Caitie pointed it out.  She said she was mad at Stephanie who called off work twice with a sore throat when I was clearly much more sick than her.  All of this lead to the blowup that was my February meltdown.

Somewhere during the meltdown, something shifted.  Up until that moment, I believed I was in Michigan for a reason.  I didn’t know what the reason was exactly, but I knew it was where I was supposed to be.  How do you explain that though?  I hate Michigan.  I try to be an optimist and look for the good things in the area, but really – I hate it more and more.  Even so, I knew it was where I was supposed to be.  I never felt like I belonged, but I knew I was in the right place.  Its paradoxical, but it was the truth.

Yes, I’m writing in past tense.  Something clicked.  I feel like absolutely nothing has changed, but I really know I don’t have to stay anymore.  Its okay to leave now.  Not that I’m ready or able to move next week.  But I feel like I can start making a plan for leaving and moving.  I don’t know if I would come back to the same area in NY, but I think I’d like the East Coast somewhere.

Megan was the first person I talked to about all this.  I told her I might just be homesick, and I don’t discount that but we both know its more than that now.  Lulorial was the second person I talked to about it.  She understands how much I hate Michigan because she hates where she is just about as much.  The difference for her (and Megan) is that they have someone in their life.  Megan has Jacob and the kids, and while they aren’t perfect, they do make the staying just a little easier.  Lulorial has Larlar, and he’s in that area for school.  Once he’s done, they both want the hell out.  Being with someone who can help carry the burden, who can roll their eyes with you and miss the same things with you and just agree with you when you’re frustrated can make a world of difference.  I don’t have that in Michigan.  I have people outside Michigan who sympathize, but not standing right next to me.

Lulorial’s question was to ask what I wanted to do with my life.  The answer is still that I have no flipping idea.  I love working for the church.  I want to keep doing that.  I don’t believe I’ll be able to find a full-time job with a church – and to be honest, I’m not sure I want one either.  I strangely really like my hotel job working the overnights and doing audit.  Yes, part of it is the people I work with, but it also the job itself.  I said to my mom that the hotel job is something I believe in.  I don’t think we’re stopping world hunger or curing cancer, but giving people a place to stay thats safe and warm is really quite honorable.  I hated my job at the college because it was rich Christian kids asking other rich Christian people for money so they can stay locked in their rich Christian world.  I didn’t think what we were doing was honorable really.  And I know that there are hotels that are… well, less than moral.  I wouldn’t want to work for one of those.  But I’m good at the night audit and I like it.  So working at a church and a hotel.  I could do that anywhere.

I’m not sure if thats really my life’s fulfillment.  My mother said that she thought it wasn’t really a "career" and women my age should have a "career" by now.  I think she’s partly right and partly old-fashioned.  And in all honesty, I want my "career" to be my family.  Whether I’m the one working to bring home food or staying at home or preferably a little of both – I want a family.  Thats my dream of the future.  To have a husband and kids and a home.  But you can’t force that.  I can’t create a husband and family out of thin air by sheer willpower.  I can, through my own strength and determination move back east and not be in Michigan.  But I can’t force the other thing.  So, if I have limited control of my dream – but I can control what makes me unhappy….  The solution seems pretty obvious to me.

I’m not moving tomorrow or next week or even next month.  If nothing else, my lease doesn’t end until October.  So I wouldn’t leave until October at the very earliest.  And I’m not moving before I have a job lined up where ever I’m going.  So it will be a process.  A long process  But I’m not staying in Michigan anymore.  That is the big thing my trip home has brought about for me.  There is a light and there is an end to the tunnel.  I didn’t know before, but now I do.  I don’t know where exactly either.  If I were to move back to my hometown, I would not want to move back in with my parents.  I’d want a place to go to that was my own.

The week home is about halfway down.  Tomorrow I’m going to the eye doctor.  I’ve had glasses since I was in second grade.  In high school I finally got contacts.  My eyes stayed the same through most of college.  With the adjustment of bipolar meds, my vision would sometimes blur or get a bit fuzzy, but it was never that bad and not permanent.  Except I’ve gotten used to not being able to see clearly. And its gotten worse over the past few years.  I can no longer read street signs, license plates, or see the face of my conductor.  I can’t help but wonder if thats why my migraines have been getting worse too.  The last time I went to the eye doctor, she told me that my eyes were fine; it was just a reaction to the bipolar meds.  Well, I’m not on anything anymore.  But for some reason, I’ve thought that this is just the way my life would be from now on.  I rarely squint, but I do not like driving to new places by myself and nighttime driving has gotten a bit more interesting for me.  I don’t like going to live shows or sitting in the back of church.  Because I can’t see!  My mom let me try on her driving glasses, which are for distance.  I almost cried when I saw how much I had been missing.  Her glasses are not exactly right for me.  But it was like a light switch.  So I’m pretty excited to go the doctor tomorrow and get this sorted out.

But now its late and I really need to sleep….

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I Can See Clearly Now ~ Johnny Nash