to cross out what i’ve become

 I really do not know when I went from being bored out of my mind looking for work to so busy I can barely find a moment for myself.  Its not entirely a bad thing, but every once in a while I just want to shut myself up in my apartment and absolutely not care what happens for the following 24 hours.  Nearly every minute of my week is penciled in with something that needs to be done or office hours, or work or cleaning or something else.  My kitchen has not been cleaned since… well, just after Christmas.  The dishes just piled up until I had nothing clean.  Sad thing was, it didn’t matter because I was never eating at home anyways.  They are now clean and either put away or sitting in the drain.  The floor needs a really good scrubbing but I can’t kneel on the floor right now.  I slipped on some ice about two weeks ago and landed square on my knee.  All my weight, crashing down right onto my knee.  The bruise was a little bigger than a softball (no joke, I compared) and just about as hard in the center.  My knee itself didn’t swell up too badly, but the bruise is still a very nasty bump.  Its now about the size of a baseball and more feeling has returned to the center of the bruise.  But it does stiffen up if I don’t move it, and causes intense pain if I try to kneel on it.  So, that means no scrubbing floors.  Both the bathroom and the kitchen desperately need it, but they’ll have to suffice with Swiffer Wet Jet for now!

Its been somewhat odd but recently I’ve found myself seeking out my father’s advice more and more.  He has this amazing ability to balance legalistic matters and Christian matters so that justice is truly sought.  He also understands how difficult it can be to be a single, independent female in this CRC "Dutch" enclave.  My mom and I talked about how frustrated I get when I’m treated like a child.  I realized its because they don’t know how to treat me.  In the Bible, there are very few independent women.  Culturally, in both Bible times and the CRC today, women are always subordinate to men.  You are a man’s daughter and then a man’s wife and then a son’s widowed mother (if it comes to that.)  But women are not independent.  They are… linked to a man.  The only other single women in my church are linked to a male family figure.  Either a brother or a father.  But I’m completely not.  I don’t live with my parents, and for the first time in my life, they don’t pay my bills.  I earn my own wages and pay for my own home.  I am the head of my household.  There is nothing Biblical WRONG with any of that, but culturally, I am a different beast than anything they’ve ever known.  The now-former pastor tried to treat me like a daughter all the time.  He never wanted to have discussions; he wanted to tell me how it would be.  He never wanted to listen to my responses; to him, that was back talk.  He is old enough to be my father; but he’s not.

I was thinking about all the Scripture passages that talk about submitting to one another in Ephesians.  It tells husbands and wives to submit unto each other, and it tells parents and children to submit to each other.  Somehow I began to feel like he wanted me to submit to him, but he couldn’t submit to me in the same way.  When I was job hunting, he said something about how fathers might give their single daughters an allowance to live on.  At the time I couldn’t say much because I was getting financial help from my parents.  But it had nothing to do with my relationship status and everything to do with the fact that I couldn’t find a job.  Now I’ve got a job, and I bring home my own bacon and fry it myself!  And I think the pastor just doesn’t know what to do with himself when dealing with me.  And I don’t know how to walk a fair line either, because I want to respect him but I don’t like him walking all over me either.

All this has led to the realization that the pastor is very much like my grandfather probably was.  My grandfather was a great CRC minister who worked long into his retirement.  But growing up, he was just Grandpa.  I was too young and naive to ask him all the questions I wish I could ask him now.  How to deal with being single and independent in a culture and church that has no other single or independent women.  How to deal with confronting a man without disrespecting him.  How to defend myself with integrity and respect.  But my grandfather has passed away, and I can’t ask him those questions.  So in lieu of him, I ask his son, my father.  I kind of wish I had the kind of relationship with my uncle (also a CRC pastor) where I could ask him, but unfortunately, thats just not possible.  So I turn to my dad, who has been incredibly helpful.  But I also realized on the pastor’s last Sunday that the frustrations I had with him, could quite possibly have been the same frustrations with my grandfather.  Both men are of the old culture and older ways of thinking, but that doesn’t mean their intentions or caring is outdated.  They both loved God and loved the people.  They both tried to show that to everyone they met.  I guess getting to know the pastor made me realize how much I missed out on with my grandfather, but in a small way still gave me that little piece of him.  There are questions I’ve always wanted to ask my grandpa, like why in the world he chose the CRC.  We are not originally CRC people and its something I’ve never completely understood how we ended up here.  But getting to know the pastor showed me that they aren’t all backward, stupid, people.  Sometimes a little off-the-mark, but they are well-intentioned, loving people.  They hold education to a high degree, and with someone like my grandfather, intellect is important.  Its helped me to glimpse into who my grandfather may have been, which helps and hurts all at the same time.

Although, I’m starting to get tired of explaining that I’m not against marriage, I just haven’t found the right man yet.  I’m not so liberal that I view marriage as outdated or so old that I don’t want to even try to get married.  I’m just not going to settle.  I want Mr. Perfect-For-Me, and I’m willing to wait for him.

Ugh, now back to work….

In this farewell
There’s no blood
There’s no alibi
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies

 So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty

So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done!!!

I’ll face myself
To cross out what i’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what i’ve done

What I’ve done
Forgiving what I’ve done

What I’ve Done ~ Linkin Park