something that my heart can only show

So in an attempt to help sort out my stuff, I’m gonna try doing NoJoMo again.  Of all the monthly do-mo groups this one is by far my favorite, and really the only one I do.  Its not as daunting as any of the other ones for me, and something I do really enjoy.  I know its technically a day earlier and maybe I’ll still write again tomorrow, but working nights can really throw your balance off when talking about days and nights.

I’m so frustrated with my pastor I could spit.  Literally.  I suppose to be fair, I’m sure he’s frustrated with me.  The problem is that our frustrations are not the same thing.  He wants things done when he wants them done.  And I’m not around 24/7 anymore to be able to do all those things for him.  I have a real job and actually a social life these days.  Those are his frustrations and I can understand them.  I’m frustrated because he called me stupid, ignorant and… something else.  Except he didn’t really.  Because he would never, I mean CHRISTIANS don’t talk that way.  And he didn’t use those exact words.  But I feel like that makes it all the more insidious.  Insinuations are far worse than just calling me something flat out.  It annoyed me because he didn’t even consider looking over the service before responding.  Which to me, shows that he’s not as fucking smart as he thinks he is.  And makes me realise that everything I’ve been talking about for the past year has gone in one ear and directly out the other.  Nothing registered, and that really upsets me.  I’m NOT stupid!  I do think about the service of confession, its importance in a worship service, the placement, the wording and everything.  Granted I have my "golden oldies" as I like to call them.  They are the old standards that I know I can use if nothing else is really fitting.  But I read and expand and am always trying to find new things to use.  I’m trying to find new ways to do things.

Something kinda cruel and funny struck me the other night.  His sermons are basically all the exact same thing over and over.  We are bad Christians and need to be better Christians or the fire and brimstone will reign down.  (Yes.  He actually pounded the pulpit the other week.)  Love, Jesus, God, Spirit, Amen.  Same concept over and over just in a slightly different dressing.  No wonder people are desperate for variation in the rest of the service.  The sermon is the same damn thing over and over!

In addition to everything, his son came to the church this past Sunday.  His son is an incredibly intelligent professor at the seminary with doctorates in all things smart and theological.  I like this guy a lot, and his views on worship are just amazing.  Well, he basically helped me identify and verbalize all the important parts of a service.  I knew those things were needed and missed them when they were gone, but I didn’t know how to talk about them.  I didn’t know how to even identify them.  But he helped give me the language I needed to do so.  Like I said, I like this guy and his brain immensely.

So he preached this past Sunday and then did an adult education class afterwards on worship.  And now, all the things I’ve been trying to put into our worship and impress upon the pastor are suddenly brand new ideas that we must do.  W.T.F.  I’m not saying I had the idea first.  I’m not claiming ownership or copyright.  But I’ve been saying the same things for a year.  An entire fucking year.  But because I don’t have a Masters or a doctorate or graduated from seminary, what I have to say doesn’t matter.  It doesn’t carry any weight or foundation because I’m just a kid.

You know what, fuck you.  I know I’m young and I have plenty to learn.  I’m not claiming master of the universe rights or omnipotence.  But I do have a brain and I do use it and I do know what I’m talking about at least some of the time.  I know I have a coarse mouth and rough personality (for western Michigan Christian enclave) and didn’t go to a sheltered Christian school.  But I’m not stupid.  I’m not ignorant.  Don’t fucking treat me like I am.  Because the harsh, angry New York bitch that I keep chained in the basement of my mind will break out and start kicking your ass all over this damn state.

*breath*

Which would be completely counterproductive and only make it seem more true that I’m a stupid, ignorant bitch from New York.  So I won’t actually, but it makes me so mad!  And there’s…. wait, no one here I can really talk to about this.  At least not yet.  I need to try and open up a bit more to a few people and I’m actually starting to make some real friends.
But in the meantime, it makes me incredibly angry and frustrated.  Which is now translating into this thought process.  "If you don’t think I can actually do my job, why the hell should I keep putting forth so much effort?"  First few weeks?  Okay.  A few months to prove them wrong?  Sure.  But its been a goddamn year.  And I’ve been saying these things since I started working here.  These are not new developments.

I can’t help but wonder.  The CRC puts so much emphasis on education, but really on the reading, writing and ‘rithmetics.  Language becomes so vitally important and precise that there is only correct answer.  There is only one way to say something or else people will not understand what is being said.  Which is completely counterproductive to the learning process!  Its hard to explain this, because its not blatant; its not teachers being told to only teach math one way, or only explain The Great Gatsby in one view (although they may not even read Gatsby in high schools….)  Christian teachings say that there is only one path to heaven, only one way to get there.  There are also, especially in the CRC, very narrow views on life paths (for lack of a better term).  You must act like this and do this and wear this and say this and go here.  Yes, there are some variations, but the lines are drawn really very close together.  My mother was constantly asked, "Why would you not want to teach in a Christian school?  Why do you want to teach in a public school?"  Its not that she thought those Christians school kids were any less important, but was that really where the gospel needed to be shown?  Not everyone is called to do that work, but it is still vitally important work.  It is not any less important than teaching Christian children.  When was the line drawn that Christian children are more important than non-Christian children?

Okay, I’m delving far away from my worship problems into that murky bire of Christian education, which I do not want to get into anymore.  But the point was that the CRC has such strictly drawn lines for how to do and say everything.  One step outside those lines and all of a sudden, you’re speaking Klingon.  So because I cannot talk "CRC", nothing I’ve said seems to sink in or reach these people.  The pastor and I also have a larger generation gap which can make communicating that much more difficult.  He so needs to retire.  It is just time.  I feel like he never tries to come to my level.  I’m not higher or better or lower or worse, just different.  But I feel like I’m constantly the one translating in and out of a foreign language to get him to understand.  But he never makes an attempt to understand where I’m coming from.  What I’m trying to say.

I say I love you I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I’m always thinking about you
There’s no way I’d want to face this life without you

And even though these words come from deep inside me
There’s so much more I don’t have the words to say

Cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I’m saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow

To let you know just how precious you are to me
I’ll use the best words I know but I still won’t say it all

Cause what I really want to say 
Is what the sun would say to the sky 
For giving it a place to come alive 
But my words get in the way 
Of what I really want to say 
Oh what I really want to say 

Oh what I really want to say 
Is what the sun would say to the sky 
For giving it a place to come alive 
But my words get in the way 

Of what I really want to say 
It’s like a tale too great to be told
It’s something that my heart can only show
I’m gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say to you

What I Really Want To Say ~ Steven Curtis Chapman