i feel like the odd man out

I’m drop dead tired in a way I haven’t been tired in a long time.  I’m tired after a hard morning of training, a trying piano lesson, an afternoon forcing myself to be productive, and an evening of time spent with awesome friends.  I love and hate the hotel job all at the same time, which is pretty typical.  I expected as much.  I’m frustrated about certain things and I’m happy about other things.  I’ll get there; I know I’ll get there.  Its this in between time that I’m so annoyed about.

I also got a call back from Bath & Body Works in regards to an application I filled out nine hundred years ago, well, back when my mom was visiting.  Is it bad that I’m debating taking the interview?  Right now I’ll only be working 25 hours at the hotel, maybe occassionally 30.  I only work at church 10 hours (or thats what they pay me to do).  Another part-time job?  Might not be so bad.  I want money right now and I’m not really afraid of working.  Perhaps if it wasn’t coming so close on the heels of the hotel job.  I know for sure that if it comes down to it, I’d choose the hotel over retail in a heartbeat.  Except…

Bath & Body Works is closer.  I think.  Except I feel like those hours would conflict way more with church, whereas working night audit, its just a better fit for me.  I need to crunch some numbers tomorrow.  If I can afford it, I’ll probably not take the job at B&BW.  But only working 20 hours at the hotel isn’t quite enough to allow my budget to balance.  Its close, and I’m pinching pennies like nuts.  But… a third job?  A tiny bit more of extra income?  It could be really helpful.

Big con would be that there is no way I would be able to gig for Nord.  And honestly, if he wants me, I’d much rather do that – even for less money – than work in retail.  But if he ends up taking those two freshmen oboists, he won’t need me.  And thats fine, except then I’m out of the money.  Seriously, man – when it rains it pours.

I have a feeling I know what my mom and dad will say.  Making reeds and playing oboe is really more profitable in the long run.  So she’ll ask when I might have reeds.  *sigh*  I don’t know.  I need to sleep on it and think about it more.

Except I’m waiting to see if Dan emails me tonight.  He’s been emailing (via okcupid) nearly every night around this time so I’m kind of waiting to see if I get one tonight.  I’d rather read it and enjoy it tonight that tomorrow morning as I’m trying to wake up and get to work.  And I’m waiting for my AC to cool off my apartment.  I sleep much better in the cold, but the unit is so loud that it sometimes drowns out the alarm.  And that is not okay right now.  I must be able to get up in time and get to work on time.  No mistakes.  I’ve been good so far, but I know I can’t leave the AC running all night.  So I wait…

Monday night is a night the church ladies walk and Sarah DH, Stacy and I had joined them as the "young blood."  Its nice to get to know other people, and being able to exercise on top of it is an added plus.  We walk just about 4 miles within an hour.  Stacy, Sarah and I have started to hang out longer after the walking is finished.  One of the evenings, we sat in my car outside Sarah’s house and talked until David came out to go to Meijer.  Tonight, after we finished walking, I was starving and craving ice cream.  I had a gift certificate to Russ’ so I suggested we go.  Sarah and Stacy called their husbands and through a roundabout way we all ended up there together.  It was nice.  Although, I definitely felt like a fifth wheel sometimes.  Stacy mentioned that she should have brought her wedding album.  I didn’t really say anything because she and her husband Matt got married just this past spring.  And I’m not a huge fan of wedding albums.  First off, I don’t want a wedding and secondly, I’m not married or even dating anyone with any potential.

I get that couples can have great conversation and can enjoy their time together.  And never once did anyone say "You don’t really get X,Y or Z.  You’re not married."   But there were definitely points in the conversation where I felt like I had nothing to add and nothing really that I wanted to say.  Not to mention it still hurts.  I know I talked about how listening to couples invite each other over hurts, but this hurts too.  It just hurts.  I hate being single, but I refuse to let it show out in the world.  I can’t become one of those quivering masses of loneliness because I’m afraid I’ll just never stop.

I also don’t think people really understand how hard it is for me to give up my NY license plates and driver’s license.  On one hand, I don’t think they really understand why I have such issues with this area.  I also don’t think they understand where exactly I’m from.  Its like assuming that everyone from Michigan is from Detroit.  I’m not from the city.  But I am a New Yorker.  I cannot stand being called a Michigander.  It really makes me mad, even though I try to laugh it off.  Its a worse heartache that being single.  I miss New York so much.  Watching Irene rip through the places I love hurts.  And in Michigan fashion, they are oblivious to anything outside their own state.  Irene did a lot of damage, even though it was no longer a hurricane.  I’m not belittling any other hurricane damages and other places in the world have been hit much worse.  But those storms didn’t hit my town.  Those storms didn’t flood out my friends and family.  This is hurting me to be so far away.

And what a lot of people don’t really understand is how much 9/11 hurts me.  And I struggle with that too.  I didn’t lose anybody I loved on that day.  So why would it really matter to me so much?  I think I recognize that I don’t hurt the way a lot of people closer to the tragedy do.  Being around those people, remembering with them is so much different than being out here, where there is little feeling or sign of remembrance.  I know it was The Event of my lifetime, but how can you forget what happened on September 11th if you’re an American?  Not since WWII has there been an attack on American soil.  Ok, back on focus.  I don’t want this to be political.  Being out here where people don’t seem to care about what happened or remember or be affected at all…  It hurts.  That day was horrible and I remember it vividly.  I guess in a big way I’m still grieving from that day.  Each year I need space and time to remember.  To be a New Yorker again and remember.
  

Lately I’ve been wandering
Off the narrow path
You’ve given me so many things that I’ve never had
And all in all I know it’s you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you’ll see my heart is true

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life<br />
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice 

The world I know is pulling me
More and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness Lord
My spirit calls for you

(You know sometimes deep inside)
I feel like this

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice 

‘Cause I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice 

The Way I Feel ~ 12 Stones