she’s got that look in her eye

So I have a job, and there’s this very sweet guy I’ve been emailing with on Ok Cupid for about a week.  I’m making real friends, Christian friends and actually am starting to like this area.  But I don’t want to forget…

On yesterday’s evening walk with the church ladies, we talked about the lack of young singles in the church.  There is an age gap which Sarah finds odd.  We have 30s, all married with kids.  We have late 20s, all married and starting to have kids.  We have three single ladies in their late 20s.  Then there’s high schoolers.  Sarah thinks its odd that we’re missing the early to mid 20s, and more singles.  I don’t really think its all that odd.  Most people in the early 20s are still in college or just graduating.  They aren’t all moving back home and returning to this church.  Some of them want something more contemporary.  But our church population as a whole likes the more traditional-minded service.  Also, children of church members want to find their own way, their own life, and their own church.  So we’re missing this demographic.  And we’re missing the singles demographic.  I believe that a part of it is because there just aren’t that many singles in this general area.  In this part of the country, most people in their mid 20s are married or engaged or in long-term relationships.  So we’re already a small demographic to begin with.  And then if you factor in the traditionalness of our church, the possibilities become even smaller.

Anyways – I’ve veered off my point.  I try not to dwell on it in conversation because its depressing and annoying and stupid, but it is frustrating to be in a church where there are only three single people my age.  Where other people are doing things in coupled up groups, I don’t have that kind of a group.  And as much as I love LdH, she’s not in the same boat as I am.  She has a daughter, someone in her life to love and dote on and… be a family with.  I struggle so much with how I hate being single.  I want a husband and a family and the white picket fence.  And being single in our church does make it harder to make friends with other people.  I’m not part of a couple, so inviting me over for dinner makes a third wheel scenario.  I’m not a mother, so there’s no play dates to schedule.  I’m not a mother, so there’s not baby stories to swap.  I’m not a wife, so there’s not a husband to complain about.  I’m not part of a couple, so I feel awkward doing things on my own sometimes.  As much as people try to include me, I don’t really fit in exactly.  And then I start to wonder what in the world God has planned for me.

When I have mentioned this to a coupled person, they regale me with their tale of "Once I was single, but now I’m married to the most wonderful man…"  But Laura G. is younger than I am, so she doesn’t really understand what its like to be looking down the hill at 30 and still be single.  She’s not even 25 yet, and she’s married.  Sarah is about the same age as me, and she and David have been married… I don’t know, at least a year if not more.  Stacy and Matt dated in high school.  So their long-winded tales of bad boyfriends or cold nights don’t comfort me as much.  I’ve done all that, but somehow I’m still single.  "But you’ll find someone someday…"  Yah, yah I know.  But I really start to wonder and question what in the world is going on.  Its incredibly hard to keep the optimism up and to keep going down a path I never imagined I’d be anywhere near.

I know – it should be an adventure, and exciting, but it sometimes feels that every step I take is a step away from the possibility of a family.  Why did God lead me to a church with such a small singles population?  Why did he lead me to this area?  Its frustrating.  And to hear from my peers that "Once I was single, but now I’m found" only grinds the salt in deeper.  Listening to Sarah tell me how Adam has found an amazing Christian girl and they are so happy together – it makes me mad!  Why not me?!  Why couldn’t Adam have been older, or I have been younger and we could be that amazing Christian couple.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m really happy for Adam.  I’m happy that he and Kristen have friends like David and Sarah who can be Christian mentors to them and help them.  I’m not jealous because I want Adam; I’m jealous because I want what they have found.

Of all things, a General Hospital quote just came to mind.  Lulu is wondering if she’ll ever find love, the kind of love she sees in other people.  She wonders if she’ll ever have what they have.  Dante says, "No.  You’ll have what you’ll have."  And its true.  Relationships are all different and won’t all be alike.  But its hard not to long after the happiness and love you see around you.

Sarah and Stacy were sitting in my car after our Wednesday walk.  I know she didn’t mean it, and I’m not going to say anything about it.  I don’t think.  But Sarah asked Stacy about Matt’s availability for a possible dinner night with Laura and David, another 20-something couple in our church.  I can’t help but feel left out because I’m not married.  I’m in the same age group, in the same church, and I’d like to get to know Matt and Stacy too.  The only difference between me and the rest of the people at this dinner was that I was not married, or even dating.  I was single.  If I were even invited, I know I’d feel like a 7th wheel.  And I know Sarah didn’t mean to hurt me, but it does really hurt.  If I was married, would I have been invited?

My point of writing about this, the purpose of scratching at this wound is that I don’t ever want to forget what this feels like.  I don’t want to turn into Sarah, and do to another single person what she’s doing to me.  She doesn’t mean to and I don’t blame her.  But when you’re finally in that relationship, you can forget what it was like to be single.  You can forget what it was like to be excluded, whether or not its intended.  I know that I’m more sensitive to all this because I’m not even from the area.  So I have even less friends or family.  But I don’t want to forget this.  I don’t want to forget how much this hurts.  Cause it really hurts.
 

When she was 22 the future looked bright
But she’s nearly 30 now and she’s out every night
I see that look in her face she’s got that look in her eye
She’s thinking how did I get here and wondering why

It’s sad but it’s true how society says
Her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
Til the man of her dreams comes along picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

She’s got an alright job but it’s not a career
Wherever she thinks about it, it brings her to tears
Cause all she wants is a boyfriend
She gets one-night stands
She’s thinking how did I get here
I’m doing all that I can

It’s sad but it’s true how society says
Her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
Til the man of her dreams comes along picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

It’s sad but it’s true how society says
Her life is already over
There’s nothing to do and there’s nothing to say
Til the man of her dreams comes along picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age

22 ~ Lily Allen