Vespa dreams
My car is making all sorts of funny noises. Not comforting at all. I did figure out that the noise is NOT coming from the engine. WOOT! But I think its coming from the tire or the brakes or something rubbing against something while I’m moving. FAIL. I can just hear the cost ringing up higher and higher in my head.
Also, I called after nearly every single resume and application I filled out while my mother was here and some more that I did after she was gone. I say nearly because two letters came back as undeliverable. But those that I did talk to where "What a great application/resume/letter/person! But we have nothing for you. Sorry!" Its hard not to feel incredibly discouraged when that happens.
I’ve been pinching pennies even harder these past two weeks. I’m proud of myself, but I feel that its not quite enough yet. Well, I know its not enough yet. I’ve crunched my numbers and I can’t save enough money a week to be able to afford my life. But at least I feel like I have a better handle on my expenses and lack of income.
My cousin is here in town, getting ready for college to start. She’s a freshmen trying out for the volleyball team, and needed to be here almost two weeks before classes started for training and tryouts. She’s fairly certain she’ll make the JV team, and I’m excited for her. I saw her and her mom when she got dropped off, and then tonight she and I went out for dinner (on my mother) and chilled for a bit. She’s so awesome. We’re a few months shy of being ten years apart in age, but she’s such an amazing and wonderful young woman. I’m especially excited to have real family who gives a damn about me in town. The only problem is that it is expensive for me to drive all the way down to the college to see her, and being a freshman, she doesn’t have a car on campus.
Now you’ve got to understand that by "all the way" I mean ten miles each direction. Which really shouldn’t seem like a lot, except to my car and my wallet, it can feel like ten hours on a Vespa. I want one of those SOOO BAD! Even if I can only use it a quarter of the year because Michigan weather sucks. It would be perfect for me to get from point A to point B without a huge expense. My mom doesn’t quite seem to understand that spending an entire day driving all over the city applying to any and every place of employment costs me gads of money. Money that I really don’t have at the moment. Money that I’m trying to save and spend more wisely. I wouldn’t mind driving all over creation if I didn’t need to worry about my car or wallet breaking into a million pieces!
Anyways – I spent some time on craigslist tonight, figuring they were actually LOOKING for people, not just random places, and sent out some more letters and resumes. We’ll see if anything comes of it. I really want some more income. I want to learn how to be more financially responsible and fiscally intelligent. But right now, all I keep landing on is that I spend WAY more than I make. And my parents have decided they are going to stop helping me out come September 2. So I just might be homeless and helpless in October. Great. Wasn’t I in this position last year already?
At least I have family in town again.
I think eloping is fine. (Trust me, if you do start planning a wedding at some point eloping will sound better and better :-P) Not crazy at all. I am really looking forward to ours though. The best part will be getting our entire family together for a happy reason. (Andrew’s mom died last December and my grandmother followed a couple of months later, so it’s been a very rough and sad year forus in a lot of ways… we’re all looking forward to this spot of joy.) I have forgiven Shazar, as much as I understand forgiveness. I don’t know that I could have so easily done it without April being as kind and as strong and as brave as she is… but… she is, and I did. I think more than any kind of virtue on my part, my desire to forgive him comes from a true desire to see him restored. There is so much good in him- I have to believe that or I’ll lose my mind, but I really do believe it. And God, he could be such an amazing advocate against rape culture if he ever came around and saw the light. Can you imagine? His story, combined with his writing ability, would really have remarkable power.
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But I totally get wanting to know if he’s ever going to get to that place. I think it’s much more likely that he never will get it. And that’s a sad thing. Have you ever seen this music video? (I never watch videos other people recommend, so I won’t be offended if you don’t… but it’s really good.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=405rURIgvDw I posted that in my diary once and he left a single note on it: “Where you become What You Become.” That line seemed to resonate with him, as it did with me. Every day, we choose the people we are going to be for the rest of our lives. If Shazar has chosen to be a rapist… that makes it seem pretty unlikely that he could ever again be anything close to the remarkable man that I once knew. But! I believe in redemption. How can I not? I’m not religious anymore, it’s not about that. But believing that the best of us can one day be recovered even from the darkest places… I do. And I, for one, would welcome him back if he ever decided that he wanted to be redeemed. For me, it would be like having him back from the dead.
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