Perception vs. Reality

Perceptions and Reality. I’ve never thought I’ve come from a particularly large family. Maybe it was because I grew up around Italians and Latinos that had 200 first cousins and 900 second cousins and more aunts and uncles than one could count. But in reality, I guess our extended family is fairly large. There are 11 grandkids on one side and another 9 grandkids on the other. That’s a total of 19 cousins for me. So maybe that’s a lot. I also never really thought we were all that close. But every aunt and uncle was at my cousin’s wedding. Not every cousin, because that one lot doesn’t like anything to do with out family. But out of 19 cousins, there is only one family set (5 cousins) that really hates the rest of us. Though thats slowly getting better. Those same 5 are the only 5 who were not at a grandfather’s funeral. Growing up, we had family reunions, and occasionally we still do.  With nearly everyone there.  Except… you guessed it, those same 5 cousins.  I’m not going to get into why they and their mom don’t come around us all, but they just don’t.

When I used to plan my road trips, I usually tried to visit as much family as I could.  Not just to have a free place to stay, but also to be able to see them.  I rarely came up to Michigan because it is so out of the way.  There’s nothing "on the way" about it all up here.  The only other family I never saw was Iowa because that was just a bit too far to drive in a week with everything else I wanted to do.  Maybe that hurt the feelings of my cousins and family in those places, but c’mon.  Really?  It was a road trip with a night or two in each place and that was it.
 
I keep forgetting that I have actual blood relatives who live in this area.  I don’t mean my uncle and his family out by Detroit, I mean around the corner family only fifteen minutes away.  I know I moved up to the north side of town and perhaps they don’t get up this way much, but its only fifteen minutes.  We’re not talking about even the next town over. Technically, I’m still in the exact same town.
 
So this is why I’m so steamed.
 
I haven’t seen or heard from that family since Christmas/January.  Not once.  No wonder I feel alone in this damn town.  We’re supposed to be close and loving and I find out my cousin is engaged on email?  That in and of itself is not a big deal.  She wanted to get the word and pictures out and thats totally fine with me.  She’s excited and she has every right to be.  But in the email, she explains that she and her fiance are going on vacation in a week or so to see family in Indianapolis and New Jersey.  (Don’t ask.  I know they aren’t anywhere near each other.)  She asked that the rest of the family not say anything to those family members or post anything on FB until their status is changed to "engaged."  I have no problem with the request.  Of course you want to be able to tell your friends and family in person if you can.  Evidently except me.  I live in the same city as her.  She couldn’t have called me up and said "Hey!  I have something to show you.  Can we grab a cup of coffee together?"  Or even invited me over to the house when she told a few other people all at the same time.  I had to find out by an email that also said they wanted to tell people in person.  Thanks.  I’m fucking chopped liver.
 
I tried explaining this all to Jared last night, but it was incredibly complicated.  Because this is the same family that is going through my uncle’s incarceration and my grandmother’s stupidity.  There is a lot of stuff going on in our family.  His response was to fuck her and not go to the wedding.  But he admitted that he does not have a big family, and only a few people actually care about him and his life, basically his mom and grandma.  So he can’t exactly relate to the situation.  Her wedding is about a year away.  There is a part of me that really wants to schedule a "random" trip to AZ for the exact weekend of the wedding.  Cause I imagine she’ll ask my parents and I to play for her wedding just like her sister.  Maybe not, but quite possibly.  I really would like to make her feel the way that she’s making me feel. 
 
Except… there’s a part of me that thinks its a childish thing to do.  Throwing a temper tantrum and refusing to go to the wedding?  That sounds like something my grandmother would do.  And I don’t want to be that person.  But I also think someone should say something to someone who hurt them.  I don’t think she did it maliciously.  Or maybe I just want to believe she didn’t mean to hurt me.  Except, she’s not that smart or devious.  She’s just not.  She wouldn’t be able to think up something like that on her own.  Neither would her fiance.  So I don’t believe that she meant to hurt me.  Wouldn’t the bigger person say something?  Shouldn’t I just go to her and tell her how that made me feel?  Jared asked what did I expect in return for that – an apology?  Like it wasn’t that big of a deal.  But an apology would be nice.  For her to realize how much it hurts to be treated like that, and be genuinely sorry for it.  He says that people can’t and don’t change (thank you, Dr. House) and there’s no point in saying anything.
 
Except I don’t believe that.  I believe people can change, given the opportunity.  But if she’s that stupid and didn’t realize she did something to hurt me…  This is exactly what I went through with Manny.  He did something wrong, but didn’t see that it.  I pointed it out, and he’s starting to change.  If I just kept my mouth shut, nothing would change.  He wouldn’t have the chance to grow.  He wouldn’t have the CHOICE to grow or not.  Maybe I’ll say something to her and she just won’t care.  She won’t change and she’ll continue to treat me like I’m not actually family.  But at that point, it becomes a choice.  Her choice.
 
I still don’t know what I’m going to do.  Her sister-in-law, who lives in Bangkok, wrote an article about feeling homesick and far from home.  Wow.  A year into your life in Thailand and you’re only just realizing what its like to be homesick?  Wait another year.  And imagine not knowing when you’ll be able to go home again.  Welcome to my world.  Except she has a husband and a job.  Must be nice to have distractions.
 
Yes, I’m a bit bitter and angry today.  Yes, I wish I could curl up in the bottom of a vodka bottle right about now.  No, I probably won’t because I don’t have anyone I trust around here to do that with.

My perception was that we were a family who cared and loved and supported each other.  Maybe the reality is something far from that.  I look at my dad’s family, the one with the perfect cover and lovely photos where we all look so loving and happy together.  But underneath it is a collegedrop-out, an convict with a sex crime, and a family that doesn’t talk.  Then I look at my mom’s family, the one my "perfect" grandmother hates so much for being so messy.  We’ve got my unemployeed, bipolar uncle, double that for me, Matt who drops in and out of college, Joel who did the same, Becca who can’t stand her father most of the time, brothers who often can’t stand each other, arguments constantly over what to do about Grandma, an often confused grandmother…  Except right now – given the choice – I’d rather be stuck on an island with my mother’s family.  They actually talk about the problems.  They don’t look down their noses at the other people in the family (except Nick, but he’s an asshole).  They actually can spend time with me without wondering what the hell to do with my bipolar, unemployed crazy ass.  They know how to show love and support even when we’re angry or confused or frustrated or arguing.  All that doesn’t matter when we need to come together as a family.  Watching my dad’s family deal with my uncle’s incarceration made me realize how disjointed we really are.  My perception used to be that my dad’s side of the family was much closer, that family meant something to them.  Reality seems to be swinging strongly in the other direction.