Upgrade

So I think I’ve discovered a problem I have.  I never really get over the guys from my past, I just go forth and find better guys.   Then I don’t miss the original guy nearly as much.  Because what I’ve got now is something better!  Make sense?  I remember once running into a old nurse from my elementary school days with my mom.  She told us she had gotten divorced and remarried to a man much better than her first husband.  I replied, kind of cheeky, "Well, I hope you’d upgrade!"  She cracked up and thought it was the funniest thing ever.  My mom was horrified, but I mean, really?  If you divorced your first husband, why would you then marry someone who was worse than him?  If you’re going through all the bother and trouble of the divorce, you had better get someone better or what was really the point?

I’m not advocating divorce and I honestly wish those rates would go down and people would be able to really stay committed – or just not get married.  But in my mind, what I said to her applied to my boyfriends at the time too.  I had a great boyfriend in high school.  Really, he was wonderful.  But he did have some issues – Mommy issues – which caused problems in our relationship.  I’m not saying that guys can’t have Mom-issues.  God knows, I’ve got my share of Daddy-issues.  But his issues caused a lot of problems and fights in our relationship.  Imagining the possibility of our life together, I saw him choosing his mother over me, even if I was his wife.  So my next boyfriend?  No mommy-issues.  He actually stood up to his mother for me while we were going through a really rough time.  While he and I were fighting, he was telling his mother to back off me.  Like I said – upgrade!

The only problem is that I never really get over the past guy.  I never really got over Tim until I met Mike.  Unfortunately, Manny was squashed in between the two, while I was still pining after Tim and Matt.  Not fair to him, but not to me either.  Manny also had plenty of time when I was pining after him, because the current flavor of the week wasn’t really all that wonderful.  I suppose it was a little different with all those guys – Matt, Tim, Manny, Mike (do I ever need to lay off the M-names!).  Because I saw possibility with all of them.  It wasn’t just sex, or physicalness.  It was more than that.  Deeper connection.
 
Back to my point.  When I was with Manny, I often was pining after Matt or Tim.  Now I’m "with" Jared.  I use that term very, very loosely.  We’re not exclusive or even dating.  But we spend most evenings hanging out together and often times – ok, most times that ends up with us in bed.  He’s an okay guy, but all his faults are things that make me miss Mike so very much.  Makes me realize what a good guy Mike is.  Nah, thats not even true.  Because I knew Mike was a good guy.  But he does make me miss Mike.  Its like finally understanding what light is when you’ve turned from looking at the shadow to looking at the sun.  You knew it was bright and made of light because of the shadows and the brightness from the ground.  But until you turned around….
 
Yah, okay you get the idea.  I’m making him sound like the second Messiah, and he’s far from perfect.  This entry wasn’t supposed to be about Mike anyways.  Its supposed to be about how each new boyfriend is supposed to be an upgrade.  They are supposed to be better than the last one in someway.  Maybe not in everything, but in some way.  Something that wasn’t okay in the last relationship should be improved in the next one.  Like I said – upgrade!
 
Which makes it so difficult when the next boytoy/boyfriend/whatever isn’t actually an upgrade.  When there’s more things wrong or difficult than good.  Or even when there are other things wrong or difficult from the last one.  It makes me long for the past boy.  I don’t know if its a case of the grass being greener over there, or wanting what one can’t have or what.  But its really annoying and I wish it would stop.