when i know in my heart its not you

I need to start sorting through some things.  The problem with Jared.  He can be such a girl sometimes and I never realized how much of a turn-off that is for me.  I need a man who is confidant to the point of cocky.  I need a man who pretends to be sure of himself even when everything in him is screaming in doubt.  I need a man who is sure of himself and sure of me, especially when I’m not able to be sure of myself.  I need a man who is intelligent and thoughtful and smart.  I need a man who can handle his alcohol, or in the very least knows when he’s wasted beyond belief.  No, I need a man who can handle his alcohol.  He’s got to be able to down two beers without becoming a staggering drunk.  I need a man who can remember that he’s told me the same story two nights in a row, multiple times each night.  I need a man who is comfortable enough in his own skin to just leave me alone for a night without thinking I hate him.  Who can hear "Not tonight" and just leave me alone.  Seriously?  He’s such a girl!
 
The problem with Jared is that he puts the other guys I’ve dated into stark comparison.  I’ve never dated a guy so annoyingly uncocky.  I used to think that cockiness and arrogance was a turn-off.  But even among my male friends there is a cockiness and arrogance that I find appealing.  I suppose its because they can all back it up.  Or at least most of it.  So its not so much about cockiness, but confidence.  Confidence is really just cockiness and arrogance that one can back up with fact and action.  The stark comparison right now happens to be shining a light onto my relationship with Mike.  He’s close to everything that I want and need in a man.  Not perfect, because no one is perfect and I don’t want Mr. Perfect.  But he sees me like no one else does.  
 
I still remember what he told me one night.  I can dig for compliments with the best of them.  I think every woman knows how to do it, leading a man to say something nice or wonderful by asking the right questions or posing the right problem.  This particular night, I wasn’t digging for anything.  I was just talking, trying to work out a frustration.  I was talking about Manny and how he always wanted to fix me, and I was getting to the point where I understood why and how I needed to be "fixed."  Without bidding or pushing or anything, Mike wrapped his arms around me and said, "But you don’t need fixing.  You aren’t broken."  I had never really considered the idea.  If something needs fixing, its because its broken.  I was so bent of trying to fix myself, I didn’t realize I was constantly telling myself I was broken.  Something changed in me that night.
 
Its a delicate balance, because I still want to change some things about myself or improve things.  That’s fine, because everyone can do with a little self-improvement.  But its not because I’m broken.  I am a whole person.  It was the best gift Mike could have ever given me.  Just words.  "You don’t need fixing.  You aren’t broken."  It may sound wrong or bad, but he is the only person that makes me feel unbroken, makes me feel whole.  He doesn’t look at me and see my music or my faith or my family or my past or my mistakes.  He sees a person that I can’t even see when I look in the mirror.  He sees the best version of me.
 
But…
 
There’s always a but…
 
He’s not the right one for me.  I know he’s not.  He knows he’s not.  So maybe its a really good thing we’re not in the same state.  Maybe its a good thing he and I never got serious, really serious.  We probably would have ended up hurting each other a lot.  And rather than this longing, I’d have another hole in my heart.
 
But this, this right here is the problem with Jared.  Every moment I spend with him – well, nearly every moment – I think about how much better Mike is in comparison.  Jared makes me miss Mike and want to call him and search him out.  
 
But then I caught myself, I had to stop myself…
 

 
Down to you
You’re pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don’t know what I…

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you…
You’re pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don’t know what I want
No I don’t know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You’re leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You’re not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you…
You’re pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don’t know what I want
No I don’t know what I want

Don’t know what I want
But I know it’s not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it’s not you

Hmmm… Ohh..

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it’s not you
I knew,but now i know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I should have never thought!


I Caught Myself ~ Paramore