i drew a really thin line

I had a really good and interesting talk this evening with Laura dH.  She had invited me over for a Sunday night movie.  When I lived with her and her parents, we used to do this almost every Sunday evening.  Since I’ve moved out, we just haven’t had the chance.  After evening church, we’d pop in a movie and watch about half, then take a "put the kid to bed" and popcorn break and finish it up.  Afterwards, we’d usually chat for a bit.  Since its been about 2 months since we’ve done this, we had a lot of catching up to do.
 
Among other things, we talked about me and Manny.  One of the latest things that keeps coming up for me is our relationship.  I’m concerned that some day in the future, the relationship he and I have now will jeopardize my marriage, or his possibly.  I’m more concerned with it jeopardizing my marriage to be honest.  If he ever gets married, or even seriously starts dating a girl, I know our relationship will change.  Because I will make changes in how I behave.  And its his marriage to deal with then.  If he or his wife were to ask me to back off, I might not like it, but I would respect their marriage and do so.  I’m afraid he won’t.  Not that he wouldn’t respect my marriage or try to seduce me or something.  But…  He and I have a very special relationship.  We dated on and off for so long, went through so much together and worked incredibly hard to have the friendship we’ve got today.  We lived through things together that had nothing to do with our romantic relationship.  There are things about my relationship with my parents (and him with his parents) that we understand merely because we’ve know each other since jr high.  We’ve not only talked about these things, but we’ve lived through them together.  I don’t need to tell him the story, because he was there.
 
Yes, the same is true for other people, but the difference is that Manny and I had a romantic relationship as well.  We both imagined getting married and growing old together.  That’s not going to happen now, but we can’t change the past.  We can’t erase what we know and understand in each other.  
 
My fear is… well, indescribable.  I don’t know exactly what he will do or what lines he’ll cross.  But our relationship, which is so close, could jeopardize my marriage.  Because he can’t seem to let me forget that he knows me so well.  I can see the argument between him and my future husband now – "You cannot possibly begin to understand her like I do!"  He loves to remind me how well he knows me.  I honestly don’t think he would do it out of spite or anger towards me.  That is just the way he is, and therefore that is just the way we are.  As much as he swears he’s over me, I’m just not sure.  Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much.  
 
Some people have told me that the perfect man for me would understand my relationship with Manny and let it continue.  But I don’t really want it to continue.  I want to have that relationship with my husband.  I’m afraid that it would all come to a point where I’d have to chose between my friendship and my marriage.  And because Manny refuses to let go, I’ll be forced into making the decision.
 
When Eric got married (even when he was engaged), he made it clear that we could not continue doing the things we usually did, just the two of us.  At first I thought he was nuts.  We were just friends after all.  What was the big deal!?  But then I got to thinking and realized that was disrespectful to his wife and to their marriage.  It didn’t mean our friendship ended, but it radically changed.  Lines had to be redrawn, because relationships had changed.
 
I really don’t know.  I do know that Manny knows me better than anyone I know.  He knows my moods, which buttons to push, how to hurt me and he’s even getting better at helping me.  I really wouldn’t disagree with that.  But I also know that a lot of that knowledge comes from time.  And any boyfriend wouldn’t be able to begin to catch up.  Manny knows the whole sordid high school teacher tale.  Not because I recounted each moment, but because he was there through it.  Because of that, he knows I have a problem getting close to people.  He knows I have a problem with trust that is more complicated than a simple statement.  He knows because he was there for it all.
 
LdH said that the perfect man for me would take the time and interest to listen to all those stories and care enough to ask.  But I don’t know that I want to relive every excruciating detail in a telling.  I’ve made mistakes in my life, things I’d rather leave behind me in the past.  Not that I’d be keeping secrets, but just don’t really want to discuss in depth and detail.  The kind of depth and detail I don’t need to get into with Manny because he was sitting next to me (figuratively and literally).
 
And here’s the kicker.  I don’t know that Manny would even be willing to share his "Rory-knowledge" with anyone.  He likes being the know-it-all.  He’s hated all the boyfriends I’ve had following him.  I know why he hated Mike.  Mike got what he felt like he deserved.  Manny thought he deserved my virginity.  Right or wrong, he couldn’t understand why I kept saying no to him and then turn around to some random guy and suddenly say yes.  He’s got a fair point.  To a degree.  But the rest of it is bull.  It was my decision to do that when I wanted to.  To use a cultural comparison, he felt like he was Dawson who waited and waited for Joey.  Only to watch Joey go off and sleep with someone else, no matter who it was.
 
But I think it was more than that.  Cause Manny didn’t like Rob either and they never even met.  Brian once pointed out to me that I’ve had relationships since Manny.  I’ve really and truly moved on to other guys.  But I was the great love of his life, and he’s not really moved on properly.  I’ve imagined myself married to Mike, even if I don’t think it would really happen.  But Manny hasn’t found anyone else he could imagine marrying.  Yeah, he’s dated.  But not relationships like I’ve had.  Even though Mike was not a conventional relationship.
 
LdH does agree with me that there needs to be a line and perhaps a change.  She suggests that I need to start changing our relationship now so that when I do find my husband, it won’t be so all or nothing.  Except I don’t really know how to do that.  I’m not sure what exactly to do.  We no longer live close by so we’re no longer moving in the same circles, socially or geographically.  But we can go a few weeks or months without talking and jump right back into what we are.
 
**Sigh** Its late, and LdH and I talked for a long time about this and many other things.  So I’m not sure I’m making any sense rightnow.  I’m thinking bed is in order.

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something 


Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know

Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something 

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing

Wouldn’t that be something 

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing

Wouldn’t that be something 
 
One Thing ~ Finger Eleven