but they weren’t meant for this

Alright, so my big decision lasted… barely a week?  Manny had texted and called me saying we should talk.  I was just going to ignore them and him until it all went away.  But I got to thinking and decided that was not the way to go.  It was petty, immature and selfish.  All the things I had tried so hard to no longer be.  So I finally called him, and we talked.
 
I don’t particularly want to hash out the entire conversation.  I drank an entire bottle of wine while talking to him and smoked way too many cigarettes.  We both cried, but I felt a major shift in our relationship.  For once, I wasn’t the one constantly apologizing.  I wasn’t the one bemoaning all her troubles and claiming a moment of weakness and stupidity.  I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, except perhaps the choice of communication.  But thats only seen in hindsight.  If I could relive those moments, I don’t think I would have changed anything.  He was in the wrong.  Well, its not that simple.  But he really did start to understand and see what I was talking about.  He finally understood one of his major flaws.
 
It was an interesting conversation because I never did tell him what happened that weekend.  It wasn’t the point of the argument.  It wasn’t the reason I was upset with him.  And it was something the "old Rory" would have done.  Dragging up every second of the weekend to explain and justify what had happened.  The issue I had with him was something bigger than that.  Something that had been going on for years, and something I was not the only one dealt with.  Our friends have agreed with me (in other situations) that that is just how Manny is at times.  I was careful not to throw that in his face.  It didn’t need to descend into a he-said-she-said fight.  And it didn’t.  We resolved it.  Well, he finally understood why I was so angry and said he’d try to be better.  Which is why I changed my decision.  He won’t change overnight, and I know that.  But the reason I was so ready to give up was because he couldn’t even see what I was talking about.  He wasn’t going to be able to change, but not only that he had told me my feelings were bullshit.  Now thats done, and he understands and is willing to change.  And that is something I can accept.
 
The conversation proved something very interesting to me though.  We are still able to hurt each other like no one else can.  We can still make each other cry.  There are not many people in the world that can still make me cry like that.  And its not a particularly good group to be in, when it comes to me.  Our relationship is like nothing before.  There is nothing to compare it to, or draw guidance from.  We’re so far behind uncharted territory; we’ve crossed into territory no one even knew existed.
 
What I wonder and worry about is will this hurt us in the end?  I’ve always wondered this – Will my relationship with Manny prevent me from ever being able to be married?  Truly committed and in love.  There will be no one who will know me like he does. I’ve referred to him as my straight Will before.  There was a TV called "Will & Grace."  They were best friends and were dating until Will decided to come out of the closet.  They fought, they argued, they cried, they got over it, moved in together and became best friends – a very interesting type of friendship.  One of Grace’s boyfriends tried to understand the friendship and even tried to insist that he be able to do everything that Will could do.  Finally he breaks and says to Will, "I need you to stick around for the 10% of her that I don’t understand."  Or something to that affect.  The relationship Will and Grace had was crafted through years and tears, and moments and experiences that cannot be recreated or recaptured.  There would never be another Will for Grace, nor another Grace for Will.  They were who they were.  I never saw the very end of the series, and I know its just a TV show, but Grace’s marriage falls apart.  Not due to anything Will or Grace (or the husband) actively did but it did have to do with their relationship.
 
Now Manny is not gay, nor am I.  That changes the nature of our relationship compared to Will and Grace’s by quite a bit.  Not to mention, they are sit-com characters and we’re real people.  But I remember watching the show, and watching both of them have relationships fail over and over.  If Manny is my "straight Will" – are my relationships always doomed to fail as well?

That weekend – when I was so upset and needed Manny so badly – it was because of our history.  The only other person who came as close to understanding was Megan.  Because they lived through all the history with me.  They understand my relationship with my father, how his father’s death affected both us – separately and individually.  They have seen firsthand my relationship with my father.  Manny was with me both times I had to pack for my grandfather’s funeral.  When my maternal grandfather died, the first of my grandparents to die, I remember talking to Manny about my own parents’ funeral.  I watched as my mother and her siblings stood in front of the casket and hugged each other as they said their final good-byes.  And I imagined the day when my parents will die.  I am an only child, as is Manny.  There will be no siblings to hug at the casket.  Sure, there will be friends and other family.  But no one else was the child of those people.  As much as people can try to relate, there is too much that cannot be described or explained.  Manny understood that.
 
This is only one example of something that only Manny can understand.  I greatly fear that my relationship with him will damage any relationship I have with someone else in the future.  Because he will always understand those parts of me that no one else can.  I share with him memories that have built who I am today.  And it hurts to imagine a life without him in it.
 
I’m afraid that one day I’ll have to choose between him and love.  And I’ll have to lose one to gain the other.
 

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame 
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said 
“Love is like a role that we play.” 

But, I believe in you so much 
I could die for the words that you say 
But, I believe in you so much 
I could die from the words that you say 

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing 
Haunting yourself as the real thing 
It’s getting away from you again 
While you’re chasin’ ghosts 

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame 
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said 
“Love is like a role that we play.” 

But, I believe in you so much 
I could die for the words that you say 
But, I believe in you so much 
I could die from the words that you say 

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing 
Haunting yourself as the real thing 
It’s getting away from you again 
While you’re chasin’ ghosts 

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit 
Like they were made for it 
But, they weren’t meant for this 
No, they weren’t meant for this 

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit 
Like they were made for it 
But, they weren’t meant for this 

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing 
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts 
 
Ghost of a Good Thing ~ Dashboard Confessional