Choices

I had this really bad dream last night.  Err, this morning.  Whenever.  I was at church, and there was a big party going on.  Manny was there and he was half trying to talk to me, but clearly knew it wouldn’t work.  Brian was also there, along with all of our other friends.  I ran up and gave Brian a big hug, but he didn’t say anything.  I kept trying to talk to him, but he wouldn’t say a word.  I woke up really upset and I realized that is exactly what I’m afraid of.  Its one of my biggest fears where Manny is concerned.  That if I’m no longer friends with him, I’ll lose everyone else as well.  
 
I wonder if thats always been a fear, and one that has kept me tied to him.  Without him I lose my connection to everyone else, and this has always been true. I know they all love me, but they don’t call or invite.  If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be invited to parties or the football game.  I don’t know if its because they assume he’ll invite me or if they really don’t want me around if he and I aren’t friends.
 
By some mutual unspoken agreement, we’ve never asked our friends to pick sides.  We both saw what that did to when other people put their friends in the middle, and we never wanted to do that.  The only person we ever put in the middle was Brian, but we never really asked him to choose a side.  He was more like a forced mediator.  He knew us both and was able to provide some insight into the other person.  But we never once asked him to pick a side and reject the other person.
 
Deep down though, I’m pretty sure that if we had ever asked him to pick a side, I would have lost.  Manny and Brian have been best friends since first grade, and there’s that whole "Bros before hoes" concept.  Which I completely understand and don’t begrudge either of them.  But my recent decision to cut away from Manny makes me worry that he’ll go crying to Brian, who will hate me and I’ll lose two friends – if not more.
 
I don’t want to drag Brian into the middle of all this right now, especially because there is nothing to discuss as far as I’m concerned.  But also don’t want to lose another friend.  I’m running short on those as it is.