call me a fool, and it’s true i am

 

Twelve In 12

READING 

The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

The Pillars of the Earth ~ Ken Follett

FINISHED

There is wisdom in the saying "You can’t control others.  You can only control how you react to them."  Its true.  I can’t control how others will act or talk or what decisions they might make.  I can’t force someone to do something.  I don’t have that kind of control, and I don’t think I would ever want to.  The only thing I can control is myself.  The only thing I have power over is me and my actions.  I am not responsible for their actions or decisions.  I am responsible for my actions and my decisions.  There is wisdom in this.

But of course, it can be pushed too far.  Once you’ve accepted responsibility, you start reanalyzing how and why an event came to pass.  You start trying to find out if there was anything you could have done to change it, or stop it.  Sometimes the answer is no.  There is nothing that could have been done.  There is nothing I could have done to change or prevent the truck that ran a red light and smashed into my car.  I did not have control over that driver’s actions and I’m not responsible for them.  That is a very basic cause and effect event though.  What about something that is not so clear, like a relationship.

Relationships are fuzzy and you can’t always find specific cause and effects to each and every action.  There are things leading up to other things, but changing just one thing probably won’t stop everything.  Sometimes yes.  Most times, no.

I’m not explaining this well.  I’ve taken the understanding that I cannot control others too far.  Its not a bad thing to accept, but its a bad thing to take too far.

Because I cannot claim responsibility for another person’s actions, I do not feel I have the right to decide those actions were wrong.  I cannot mete out punishment.  I cannot pass judgment on them.  The only person that I can pass judgment on is myself.  The only person I’m responsible for is myself.

So why did my relationship with Manny fail?  Because I was a bad girlfriend.  He was a great boyfriend, most of the time.  Everyone deserves a break, but he was a great boyfriend.  He was attentive and sensitive and always tried to help.  I was the stupid one.  I was the inconsiderate and selfish one.  I was the crazy one who couldn’t let go of a past relationship.

Why did my relationship with Rob fail, or basically fail to even start?  Because I wasn’t good enough for him.  I wasn’t smart enough, or focused enough, or dedicated enough.  I chased him and put him in the bad situation.  

Why does my relationship with Heather continue to be strained?  Because I can’t forgive her.  I can’t let go of something that happened years ago.  The other person who was hurt by her action doesn’t care anymore.  He’s moved on, but I can’t seem to.

Why do I have such a tough relationship with my grandmother?  Because I never say the right thing to her.  I can never just keep my mouth shut or my opinions to myself.  I let my anger get the best of me.  I’m not good enough.

Why can’t I seem to find a job?  Because my resume isn’t good enough.  Because it looks like a long list of things that I’ve quit.  It says I’m not good enough.

Why can’t I find friends out here?  Because I go for the wrong people.  I can’t seem to have normal relationships anymore.  I say the wrong things or say mean things, hurtful things.  I insult and offend people left and right.  I disagree with people, and end up in arguments.  I’m not good enough for these people.

The analyzation of every situation becomes a list of what I’ve done wrong.  Another notation on how I’m not good enough.  I know some people are going to say that I should take into consideration what other people have done wrong.  I should list and catalogue their mistakes as well.  No one is perfect.  And its a good point.  Except for that little saying up at the top.  I don’t control other people.  I don’t have control over their actions and choices.  I only have control over my actions and choices.  I’ve taken the examples a little far, but I’m focusing most on my romantic relationships at the moment.

The only relationship I felt that I deserved was Danny.  Because he wasn’t good enough for me either.  We were both broken and imperfect.  We both made bad choices and paid the consequences of those choices.  I don’t want a nice boy.  Manny was a nice boy.  Tim was a nice boy.  I’m not a nice person.  Being with a ‘nice boy’ makes me feel like crap.  Makes me feel like I’m not good enough, like I’m less than.  I’m a bitch sometimes.  I get cranky sometimes.  I get down right angry and irrational.  Danny?  Danny was the same way.  He was an asshole sometimes.  He got cranky and angry and irrational.  He made me feel… okay.  Like I wasn’t broken.

Growing up, I never wanted to be a princess.  Even a pretend princess.  I didn’t want to pink dress and the tiara.  Part of it was because I grew up on stories of princesses who were hunted and tricked and manipulated because they would one day be queen.  I didn’t want any part of that.  But another reason was because princesses were always perfect.  And their Prince Charmings were always perfect too.  I make mistakes.  I screw up.  I get angry and irrational and stupid.  Prince Charming always made me feel… broken.  He was so perfect and I was so not.

Maybe that is what is bothering me.  The pastor has been preaching a lot lately about how we should be.  The example of Christ that we should live up to.  This shining perfection of how we should live and act and behave.  Its exhausting!  No one can be that perfect all of the time.  Maybe thats why I love reading the Old Testament stories so much more right now.  The Israelites were horrible people.  They kept making bad choices and going back on their promises and screwing up.  They weren’t perfect all of the time.  But God kept opening his arms to them.  I feel like every Sunday I get another lecture about how I’m not good enough.  How I’ve failed, yet again, to measure up.  What about grace and forgiveness and second chances and outcasts?  Over and over and over I see and hear how I’m not good enough, how its just not there yet.

I want someone, just one person, to just take me as I am, warts and all.  I think thats why I love Disney’s latest movie.  The happy ending is when Naveem and Tia realize that they still love each other and want to be with each other, even if they are frogs – warts and all.  Yes, its Disney so they get turned back human and all their dreams come true (wouldn’t be Disney if they stayed frogs!).  But the real ending is when they stop seeing the faults in each other and just accept themselves the way they are.

Well, come on then!  Accept yourself the way you are, and you too can have happily ever after!

The difference is that they found themselves in the other frog… person… whatever.  They had someone standing next to them, holding their fin… hand… and accepting them just like they are, warts and all.  The only person who did that, like that, was Danny.  Rob made me feel like that when he was here, but he left.  James made me feel that way too, but not romantically.  There is a huge difference between a friend, even a good close amazing friend, and a romantic lover.  One is not better or worse than the other; but they are vastly different.  

My heart is just breaking right now, all over again.  Why wasn’t I good enough?  Why wasn’t I enough to make him stay?  Why did he leave me?  Why couldn’t he just love me?  Why can’t I ever just be enough, me, just the way I am?  
Look at me, 
And tell me who I am.
Why I am
What I am.

Call me a fool,
And it’s true I am.
I don’t know 
Who I am.

It’s such a shame,
I’m such a sham.
No one knows 
Who I am.

Am I the face of the future?
Am I the face of the past?
Am I the one who must finish last?

Look at me,
And tell me who I am,
Why I am
What I am.

Will I survive?
Who will give a damn,
If no one knows
Who I am?

Nobody knows –
Not even you –
No one knows who I am…

No One Knows Who I Am ~ Jekyll and Hyde