maybe i’ll master this art form today

 

Twelve in12

 Reading 

The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

Finished

If you are idle, be not solitary; if you are solitary be not idle. ~ Samuel Johnson

I think is one of my problems right now.  I have lots of them.  Problems.  Rather than trying to fix everything, I’m going to just try to identify them one at a time and see if I can’t find a solution.  So tonight’s problem is basically the above quote.  I tend to be both idle and solitary these days.  I can’t find work and I feel no motivation to do anything else.  And maybe that’s the real problem.  My lack of motivation.  I’m barely motivated to do the simplest of things.

My mother is a list maker.  She likes making lists and crossing things off.  Like Tabitha on West Wing.  They find great satisfaction in crossing off the things they’ve accomplished.  I’ve tried it and find it overrated.  I don’t get any natural high when I check something off the list, metaphorically or literally.  I tend to just see the rest of the list that needs to be done.

I don’t really know any other way of accomplishing things though.  I do like being able to see everything that needs to be done.  It helps me keep perspective.  So I make these huge lists that won’t ever really be accomplished and then feel like a loser when it doesn’t work out.

Okay, but back to idleness and solitary.  I’m used to being alone.  I’ve spent most of my life alone. In 6th grade I stopped going to the after-school baby-sitter.  I went home to an empty house for at least 2 hours, if not more.  I would pretend to do some homework, but really spend most of that time watching TV or doing the list my mother would leave.

As an only child, you get used to solitary.  Sure I had friends and play dates, but a lot of my time was spent alone, or with my parents.  Sometimes that was the same as being alone.  I didn’t realise it back then, but we have a huge house for 3 people.  So even when we are all home we can be alone.  I didn’t mind it back then.  I don’t know why it bothers me so much now.  I used to be able to entertain myself quite well.  Games with my dolls or imaginary friends.  Reading.  I was oftentimes happier to be left alone.  Even as an infant, my mother said that I often preferred if people would just leave me be.

Maybe I used up all my imagination back then.  Because I hate being alone now.  Well, yes and no.  I hate feeling alone.  Which is two completely different things.  I can be in a crowded room and still feel completely alone.

I don’t have friends that I can sit comfortably with out here.  I don’t have even a single friend that I can be with when I’m in any mood.  That I don’t have to "gear up" for.  I don’t have friends who just come by because they had a free hour or it was dinnertime and they were hungry.  I don’t have friends who I can sit comfortably with in silence.  Yes, those friends are rare even in the best of circumstances.  But everyone around here, I feel like I have to be in the mood for.  I have the psych myself up.  I have to prepare.

Hmm.  Its because I have so many masks.  So many filters.  Different in different situations.  I can’t just be me out here.  I don’t really know exactly why.  I get frustrated and angry, but I have no outlet for it.  That’s why I started smoking again.  I’m stressed out but in such a strange way.  I can’t just be me.  I think thats why it was so great to go back to NY.  I could let my filters and masks down and just be me.  I was constantly fighting against the things that come second-nature to me.

I think I’ve had a mask up around here for so long I don’t even know how to take it down.  I used to hate being in NY where so many people saw me as Karen’s daughter or Rod’s daughter.  But I remember James once said something about me and my identity.  We were out to dinner with Laura and her husband before a Cleveland concert.  I had been going on and on about my heritage and family history.  James said that he had never met someone who knew so much about her past.  Because of it, I was more confidant of who I was than anyone else he had ever met.  It was as if my heritage helped me form my identity.  Not define it, nor control it.  But he definitely saw who I was.  He is perhaps one of the few people who really sees me, unfiltered and unmasked.  And I mean he really sees me.  

I really wish I could remember who that person was.  I wish I could figure out who that person is supposed to be out here in Michigan.  Maybe "supposed to be" is the wrong turn of phrase.  I wish I could figure who I am.  I feel like I know who I am when I’m in New York, but out here I’m…  I’m like a fish out of water.  I wish I could figure out how a fish lives out of the water.  I need to be less fish and more amphibian.  

Could you let down your hair 
Be transparent for a while 
Just a little while 
See if you’re human after all 

Honesty is a hard attribute to find 
When we all want to seem like
We’ve got it all figured out 

Let me be the first to say that I don’t have a clue 
I don’t have all the answers 
Ain’t gonna pretend like I do

Just trying to find my way 
Trying to find my way
The best that I know how 

Well I haven’t memorized all of the cute things to say 
But I’m working on it
Maybe I’ll master this art form today 

If I qoute all the lines off the top of my head 
Would you believe 
That I fully understand all these things I’ve read 

Im just trying to find my way 
Trying to find my way 
Trying to find my way
The best that I know how 

Well, I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet 
But even if it takes my whole life 
To get to where I need to be 

And if I should fall
To the bottom of the end 
I’ll be one step back to you 

Trying to find my way 
Trying to find my way
Oh, I’m trying to find my way 
Trying to find my way 

Trying ~ Lifehouse