i know you will find out who you are
Twelve in12
Reading
The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte
Finished
The more I delve into the Christian Reformed Church beliefs, the more Lutheran I feel. I find myself hungry for the myriad of Scripture and liturgy that is a core part of Lutheran tradition. Its so odd to me. The CRC talks such big talk about being Scripturally-based and how Scripture is the basis for everything. And yet, we hear so little of it on a Sunday morning. The sermon, however, is a good 20-25 minutes long. Perhaps its the CRC emphasis on teaching, always teaching. Its a fine emphasis to have and I understand its importance. But if we are taught in Christian schools, have weekly Bible Study groups, work in Christian jobs and listen to 25 minute sermons twice a Sunday – where is the rubber meeting the road? Where are we purely listening to God’s Word? Where do we get to put into practice what we hear? This feeling is so stifling to me here in Grand Rapids, because of that "enclave" feeling. Christian schools, Christian jobs, Christian stores and restaurants. Where are we really living out our faith?
If we are "taught" in our Bible studies and Sunday Schools and schools and work, where are we just reading Scripture? There is an amazing wonderfulness in the Lutherans who read huge chunks of Scripture every week. Whole chapters from multiple books. Its a wonderful feeling. And its a feeling I somehow miss in the CRC. My mother put it best. "Lutherans often spend too much time looking at the forest that they miss the tree. The CRC often spends too much time looking at the tree that they miss the forest." My experience with the two denominations has been even more different. I think the CRC misses the forest because they are so busy studying the veins of the leaf of the tree. And perhaps even the Lutherans miss the forest because they are so busy trying to see the whole planet.
There has to be a middle ground. I didn’t realize it then, but Pastor Amy had a pretty good grasp of the middle ground. We still read those huge chunks of the Bible. But her sermons, not merely meditations, asked us to focus in on one particular tree. She managed to find the common point between the four Scripture readings. She spent time trying to see what God was showing us in the reading of his Word that particular Sunday. I didn’t always see it at the time, but she did an amazing job at it.
I don’t want it to seem like Pastor JW is a bad preacher. He spends weeks on end looking at the same tree and studying each leaf. We’re spending 14 weeks on one book of the Bible. My uncle (another CRC pastor) has spent nearly 22 weeks on one book of the Bible. Both of them do an amazing job. Sermon series can be an amazing tool to use. But I almost wish that we would read more of the Scripture anyway. For example, if the sermon is focusing on chapter 2 verses 5-10, read all of chapter 2 anyways! There is value in hearing the context – a quick refresher on what we covered last week with verses 1-4 and foreshadowing what comes in the following weeks.
I’m just frustrated, because I feel that my services are still lacking something. They aren’t balanced properly, or they don’t flow well. I don’t really know. Which is really the first step in finding a solution. I can’t place my finger on the question or the problem. Until I can figure that out, I don’t think I can solve anything. And there is a good chance that there isn’t a problem. Its entirely possible that I am approaching the services the wrong way. I’m willing to admit that I could be the problem. In addition, I’m willing to change the way I think about the service. But I just can’t seem to figure it out!
Which is why I’m so continually frustrated and unhappy. Because I have little else going on in my life, that frustration and unhappiness is sometimes all that I see. I can’t break out of this rut. I can’t fix something when I can’t even find the problem to begin with! But I’m not willing to give it all up yet. I still want answers. I still want questions! I’m stubborn, even in my unhappiness. Yes, it would be easier to go back to NY, back to what I know and who I feel comfortable with. It would be easier to go back to where I feel safe and loved and so connected. But I really believe there is something of value that I can learn here, and perhaps something of value that I can offer in return. This month is always hard on me. Christmas crazy followed by the beginning of a new year and my birthday is always a recipe for disaster. February has always been my most depressing time of the year (although last year it was probably more like June.) The whole situation is made worse this time around because I have no one to really talk to about all this. My friends in NY just push me to come back to them. My friends in MI don’t always understand my frustration. It is laced with my dislike of this area and this state, and I try so very hard not to attack something they love so much. I don’t hate them or blame them or distrust them for loving this place. But I just don’t feel the same way.
Hmm… Something struck me. Of all the people who become offended when I begin to express my dislike of this state, not a single one of them has offered me a reason why they love this area. Maybe that’s what I’m missing. If there was a newcomer to my old church, who tried to tell me how much they hated the area, I wouldn’t necessarily be offended. I would try to show them the beauty of the area. I would try to show them the good things that can be found here. Actually one person out here has. Rebecca’s Matt has said that the Upper Peninsula is extraordinarily beautiful. He has offered a piece of what he loves about this state to me. Perhaps he and Rebecca are the people that I should be talking with and spending time with. They’ve shared one of their favorite restaurants with me and some of their favorite activities. I’m willing to see and go and learn about how amazing this place is, but I do need someone to show me.
The only other thing I enjoy about this area is the local botanical garden. What I liked most recently are the sculptures they’ve had on display. I found a piece of beauty. But its expensive to go and walk around the grounds. And there’s the rub. In NY, the views are free for those willing to look. The walkway over the Hudson is free. Most of the historical sites have free access to the grounds and pathways. The tour of the house, library or mansion is often a fee, but to just walk the grounds and enjoy the views are free for all. That isn’t really the case here. I would love to explore downtown Grand Rapids, but not on my own. I need a friend willing to either explore with me, or to show me themselves.
This was not meant to be such a long entry. But the upshot is that I’m going to stay here. I’m going to search out those moments of joy and happiness and cling to them. The orchestra this weekend (although no Cleveland) was delightful. Playing with Nord makes me incredibly happy. So I will continue on out here for now. I’m not meant to go back to NY. Not yet.
Oh your reputation is so golden
You’re never lonely and you’re never home
I know you’ve been talking about leaving
You’ve lost all your feelings for this town.
Paint your nails and put your lipstick
You don’t want to miss your ticket out.
Just because you graduate from school
So high in the gene pool that’s your point of view.
But when you’re broke and down and no one else is around
You’ll come running back to this town and
I’ll be there, yeah I’ll be there.
‘Cause I remember how we drank time together
And how you used to say that the stars are forever.
And daydreamed about how to make your life better by
Leaving town, leaving town.
Pack your bags, your smokes in your pocket
You’re wearing my locket around your neck
Take a drag and wait for the Greyhound
The world is your playground and you want to win.
But when you’re broke and down and no one else is around.
You’ll come running back to this town and
I’ll be there, yeah I’ll be there.
‘Cause I remember how we drank time together
And how you used to say that the stars are forever.
And daydreamed about how to make your life better by
Leaving town, leaving town.
Nothing in life will ever come that easy.
Doesn’t mean it has to be that hard.
I know you will find out who you are
But when you’re broke and down and no one else is around.
You’ll come running back to this town and
I’ll be there, yeah I’ll be there.
‘Cause I remember how we drank time together
And how you used to say that the stars are forever.
And daydreamed about how to make your life better by
Leaving town, leaving town.
Yeah I remember how we drank time together and
How you used to say that the stars are forever.
And daydreamed about how to make your life better by
Leaving town, leaving town.
You’re leaving town, yeah
Leaving Town ~ Dexter Freebish