sleep’s not coming easy for a while
My day was going pretty well up to about 5 minutes ago. Which is not too bad considering its around two in the morning and I just got home. I woke up late. Which may not have been a good thing, except I had been sleeping. Sleeping. That which has escaped me. It was lovely and while I panicked for a moment because 10:30 was not the time I wanted to wake, I eventually relaxed into the knowledge that I had slept. I might have been able to sleep more, but I didn’t. I got up and fought with my hair. Again. It has not been helpful as of late, so it ends up getting pulled up and pinned back. Went to Dunkin for coffee and found out my debit card was still in my apartment. Oh well. I had enough cash so I was able to have my morning coffee. As much as I am looking forward to moving up to the north side of town, I’m not looking forward to moving away from DD. I’ll have to start buying it to make at home.
Work was incredibly productive today. Megan called and we chatted for a bit. She too had misplaced her debit card, but evidently worse than me. She had to cancel the card and is getting a new one. Jacob had snapped at her about it, which annoyed her. He didn’t need to do anything; she had taken care of it. She just wanted to laugh about it with someone. God I love that girl. Wonderful beautiful strong woman. And she’s been going to church again. Granted its only about once a month with the girls, and I still don’t think she really gets it. But like Mouse and I used to say about James. At least, they are hearing the News, even if they aren’t listening. I’m grateful for the small things. Usually when Megan calls, all I can do is knit or pace around the apartment. Sometimes sort or fold laundry, but oftentimes thats about it. I cannot multi-task too many things while talking to her. But I was able to do a bit of church-related work. So I didn’t feel like I wasted 45 minutes talking on the phone with her. Don’t get me wrong I love talking to her. She gets me in a way that very few other people do. But our conversations can easily run 3 or 4 hours. I’m not even joking. I’m not sure if its leftovers from our teenage years – as if we didn’t talk on the phone enough back then – or if its the fact that we’re both lonely and pathetic. I think its more the latter, but such is life. Mary was at church and we wrapped up two services in less than 2 hours. All the music sorted and emails to participants sent out. Even some decisions about upcoming services.
AND I got a phone call about an interview for one of the college jobs I applied for. Its only a part-time temporary job, but a job is a job. Income is income. And I’m kinda hoping it might lead to another job. We’ll see. But I have an interview set-up for tomorrow, so I’m hoping it goes well. The possibility of more income would be a welcome relief. I practiced and sorted some more things out in my office. Even got the extra computer out of the way. I don’t use it or need or want it there, so I was relieved when the secretary said we could get rid of it. Except now I need bookends for my desk! I was using the extra computer screen, but thats out! I feel its a good problem to have. I think I want to bring up to the office some pictures of my parents and perhaps something to hang on the wall too. I need another file cabinet in there for the choir music, and I wouldn’t mind re-arranging the office a bit. Make the space more efficient. We’ll see. One step at a time over there. I don’t want to upend the entire church within the month.
In addition, I’ve already been invited for Sunday dinner next week to the youth group leaders’ house. I’m excited because the husband is already one of my favorite people. He cracks me up all the time and his kids seem awesome. I want to get to know them more, and get more involved in the youth group so I can integrate them into the worship service more. All the ideas! Youth group was really important to me when I was in high school. It wasn’t perfect or easy and we had some really rough times. But it was really amazing and good too. I have lifelong friends from youth group that I probably wouldn’t talk to without that bond. I just would have never met them any other way. Anyways – I want to help make youth group something great for other kids too. For teenagers, there is a delicate balance between setting strict rules and letting them learn from their own mistakes. Or even talking about MY mistakes so that they can learn about them. I learned from my mistakes in high school, but I also learned from hearing about other’s mistakes. Especially when they were honest and open about what happened. I don’t know if I’ll be any good, and maybe I’ll completely stink at it. But I want to at least try. And there’s a little part of me that says I’m still young enough to relate to them.
As if that wasn’t enough for socializing, Laura and I are going to meet up at Meijer Gardens on Wednesday for coffee and fun times with Grace. We’re planning on lunch too, so my day will be complete! Coffee and lunch with her and Grace. Then I can shoot up to church for some last minute choir planning and service-prepping. THEN Dinner at church with the Secret Sisters (think of Secret Santa’s, but over a year and only with women), and choir rehearsal. By then, I’ll be exhausted but happy, fed and ready for bed! (Hopefully sleep will come easy.)
Things seem to be looking up.
Seem to be.
In my mailbox when I got home was a Summons to Appear. My landlord is trying to evict me for… well, non-payment of rent I guess. But I don’t understand how or why. I paid my September rent. October rent isn’t due until the first of the month. And they aren’t asking for the monthly rent amount. So I don’t understand WHY they want more money. There’s a part of me that says just pay it and ignore them. Get a job and move out. But I don’t exactly have a couple hundred bucks laying around. And I do not want to be a doormat. I just knew I was going to get screwed over by them. I should have run fast and far when August ended. Not only do I not have a hundred bucks lying around, I don’t have a place to go. If they succeed in evicting me, I have nowhere to go. And I don’t know how many days I’ll have to go nowhere even. I mean, I could technically move all the way to Holland and move in with Rebecca’s parents. But in what universe does that make sense. Drive an additional 45 minutes to and from church and any possible job I might get? I’m trying not to scream and cry and freak out about this. Because its two in the morning and there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment. But I just feel like such a loser, again.
I’m just starting to place roots and make friends and connections. But in reality, I’m still alone. I’m still out here on my own, floating around. I talked to Mouse the other night and it was wonderful. Like remembering what it was like to breathe. Maybe its a good thing I didn’t go back to NY at all this summer. I might have broken down and never returned to Michigan. I’m angry because I don’t know how to fix this. The landlord thing is annoying but it will be solvable somehow. I mean, either I’ll be homeless or I’ll win in court. Thats about it. Something will happen and change. Eventually, I’ll get a job. That will work out eventually. But this loneliness thing. I just don’t know. I’m lacking in the connection gene or something. I was filling out the Secret Sisters information sheet (hobbies, kitchen colors, collections, etc.) and I realized I’m incredibly boring. My hobbies, interests, collections, likes all revolve around music and reading. Thats about it. I don’t "collect" things, but I suppose you could say I collect oboe music. That’s like a lawyer saying he collects case files. We need them to work, to function. I collect reeds. And reed knives. But not because they are so incredibly interesting and fun to flip through, but because I need them to make reeds and play my instruments. Oh, and I knit. I only like particular TV shows and particular movies (thank you, Manny). I’m particular about what music I listen to because its such a wide variety. Don’t believe me? Well, I’m not sure I can prove it without providing a list of all the music I listen to. Which includes tapes and records which are not on my computer. I know everyone likes to say they are eclectic, but I really and truly am. I don’t like everything. I used to say that. But I don’t. I’m starting to become more definite in what I like and don’t like. But there are times when I don’t want to listen to something I’ve mentioned that I like. There is no one song I could listen to ad nauseum. At least I’ve never been able to find it. I can go a couple days listening to the same CD before that makes me nuts and need something new. Because I like all styles but not all bands, I am the hardest person to shop music for. It always ends badly. I am the person for who the gift card was invented.
Anyways – I’m boring and odd and unconnected to things here. I am becoming connected to the church and there are good things there. Great things and great people. But its not all of me. Its never been all of me. This situation with the landlord is kind of showing this to me. I want to go down to a bar and do shots with the boys until I can’t see straight.
Wow.
That is exactly what I want to do. I haven’t been drunk in… wow. A really really long time. That might make me sound like an addictive alcoholic, except I’m not. Its been since… well, I really think its been since I went to Fredonia in the Spring. I didn’t get drunk at Settle’s wedding, try as I might. I didn’t get drunk over Emily’s wedding, try as I might. I got a nice light buzz one night with Matt, but that was it. And its not so much the drinking that I’m missing or craving. Its the ability to feel so safe around the people I’m with, I can get drunk. I can’t get drunk if I don’t have a buddy. Someone to keep me safe, someone to drink with and talk with, to protect and to be protected by. I didn’t start getting drunk at college until I had friends I trusted. I’m missing that trust here. And I can’t seem to figure out why. People here are too nice. I keep going back to that. They are too nice. Last summer, Gina and James spent a lot of time at my house getting drunk and hanging out. At one point on one of those nights, James and I were arguing about something. I don’t even remember what. He said something mean and I retorted in kind. I’m not talking about "Your shirt is ugly" mean, but really cruel. He didn’t mean it and I didn’t mean it, and had we been sober, the thorns would have been sharper, both in wit and in cruelty. Not that we wouldn’t have still said those things, but they wouldn’t have been so blunt. Drunkenly, we both apologized and hugged and made up. It didn’t matter. I could say anything to him and it wouldn’t matter. I could say anything to Mouse or Lulorial or Kelly or Dustin and it wouldn’t matter. They could say anything to me and it wouldn’t matter.
I remember saying something to Dustin once. He was introducing me to someone new at the bar and the person said something that might have been considered offensive. I don’t even remember what it was he said. He immediately apologized to me for being offensive, but I just laughed and said it was fine. I remember distinctly Dustin saying that was why I was so awesome; I don’t offend easily. And I really don’t. To me, there’s a level of taking things how they were intended. More often than not, things said are not meant to be offensive. They can just come off that way or be interpreted that way. But if the person who spoke didn’t mean the offense, why get all bent out of shape over it? If it really annoys me, I might explain why. But no offense given, none taken is often my thought process. If you’re trying to be offensive and piss me off, chances are you’ll probably succeed. I have a temper and a short fuse once its lit. But it takes a lot to light the fuse.
Anyways – I often feel like I need to walk around on eggshells out here or explain my thought process and reasoning. I can’t complain about all the things I hate about Michigan for fear of offending those who love this place so much. Forgive me if I’m not overly fond of the state where I first tried to kill myself. Doesn’t exactly bring back warm fuzzy feelings. But I can’t even say that because I do not always want to explain the whole story behind that. And my hatred doesn’t wish to see the place removed from the map or turned into a human jungle. I just wish I didn’t have to be here. Strange as it seems, this is my hell on earth. One man’s hell is another man’s paradise. One man’s paradise is another man’s hell. When people think of paradise, they might often think of Hawaii or Aruba or Bahamas or something along those lines. I think of Scotland in February. Or my parents snowed-in cabin in the middle of winter.
Things are getting better here and I’m growing to have a grudging liking of this state. But the beauty and awe that I feel is not found anywhere near this apartment. Maybe the best thing in the world for me would be to get evicted and be forced to find another place to live. I need to sleep and just deal with this in the morning. And pray that I won’t cry at the interview.
Let’s get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God
Let’s get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you’re going
Places that I haven’t been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle, yeah
I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Taste the saline rolling down your cheekbone
Tell me that you’re alone, tell me on the telephone
Feel your heart it breaks within your chest now
Try to get some rest now
Sleep’s not coming easy for a while, child
I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Down, down
Down, down
I hear sound echo in the emptiness
All around but you can’t change this loneliness
Look what you’ve found, I’ve fallen down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down
Look at what you’ve found, I’m falling down
Down ~ Something Corporate