all of these trials bring me closer to you
It seems like things are happening very fast now, and I can’t process them all at once. Most of it I’m choosing to just ignore and push aside. I don’t have the time and energy to run my mind round in circles. I need to trim the excess and return to the basics of what I need and want. The dangerous and unhealthy parts have to go. In that vein, I’ve decided to end certain relationships for the time being. I don’t know what the future holds and maybe things will change. But I’ve allowed to many people to walk over me and over those I care for. I feel like I’ve compromised too many times and too much and have somehow lost who I really am. So no more. I’m getting back to basics and not giving in so easily anymore.
Ending friendships when I have so precious few that I really can rely on is extremely difficult. But I gave a friend some advice recently and I realized I need to take that advice too. There should be no such thing as a bad friend. A bad friend isn’t really a friend at all. As much as I need to take care of me, I need to take care of those who take care of me. Those who truly love and repent and deserve my friendship.
I am determined. I am solid. I am sure. I have my ups and downs, imperfections and scars. But I am worth something. I am intelligent and smart. I am strong and I am sure.
I feel extremely pathetic, but I found a friend today. Someone who I think could be a real friend. Someone who opened up to me and trusted me, which in turn, made me open up and trust her. I found a friend today. A real friend. Just when you think that your world is changing too fast and the rug is pulled out too hard, God returns faith with exactly what we need.
I watched Dakota Skye recently. One of those movies I watched for the hell of it, but turned out to be really good for me. One of the characters talks about the connection people find in each other. His analogy cracked me up because I’ve used it too. "You know, when you’re with someone, you just want to be filled up with this, this energy. You know, you just want to…. vibrate." I’ve referred to the feeling I get around other huge music geeks. Something inside me recognizes something within them and it vibrates. Similar beings recognizing each other and vibrating with excitement at… I’m not even sure. The excitement of common understanding. I get this feeling around other Christians and music geeks. I feel like I’ve been rocked to my core tonight. I haven’t opened up and shared about some of those things in a long time. I haven’t heard another person’s story and so resonated with their emotions and feelings and beliefs. We are not the same person and our stories are not the same. But we align in so many ways. In a place where I feel ungrounded and disconnected and misunderstood, I’ve found someone who suddenly places my feet on the ground next to hers and grabs on tight to my hand. We are both in a state of limbo and we are both desperately clinging to our faith as a lifeboat. In the ocean of doubt and fear, we’ve somehow struggled onto the same tiny strip of land.
I’m just vibrating from my head to my toes.
There are things I did not tell her. No one here at church knows about my disorder. No one here at church knows about the recent betrayals or the pain I’m in from them. I haven’t spoken to anyone really about how to deal with these betrayals. Mostly because I’m consciously choosing not to deal with them at the moment. The last time I tried to process them and deal with them, I nearly lost my mind. I ended up in a fetal position in my hallway, shaking and crying. I can’t deal with that right now. I have no one to call to come over and hold me. I cannot do it. I just can’t….
To be honest, I haven’t felt comfortable enough with anyone here at church to discuss any of my major problems. I talk about minor problems and little things. But I haven’t found that person to open up to yet. At seminary, the only person I wanted to do that with was Mike. We’re in a good place right now as friends, but he’s also in Israel. Every other time I opened up, I had to force myself to do so. It was never natural. As a result, I feel like most of those relationships were forced as well. None of them felt natural. Even opening up to my aunt and uncle didn’t feel… normal. I opened up in a hope to connect, to send down roots. But false roots are torn up and destroyed at their first little breeze. Which is exactly how I’ve felt.
But I didn’t want our coffee break to end. I wanted to keep sharing and listening and talking. I think I’ve found a friend.
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to
If You Want Me To ~ Ginny Owens