i don’t recognize this place

I recently read an entry by a good friend which put into words better than anything I could have.  I’m stuck in limbo hell.  Every day I am reminded of how I don’t really belong here,  how I’m not understood or even appreciated.  I’ve tried to build a sanctuary, my safe haven but it hasn’t really worked yet.  I can no longer return to the place I was before.  Its not the same and it is drifting further into the past.  Which is where it belongs.  Its like trying to go back to high school after you’ve graduated.  It may be familiar and comfortable, but its not the same as it was before.  You no longer belong in high school.  I no longer belong in New York.  I know this.  But I do not belong here either.  Shazar talked about how his expertise and knowledge is not appreciated or acknowledged, and that is how I feel.

I was at a scholarship dinner on Thursday talking about my thesis paper and how we don’t always know the history of a hymn tune and text or how they came to be together.  The professor told me that is where the Hymnal Sourcebook can be really helpful and I should start there.  I started there years ago.  It is still helpful, but I’m looking further back into the history of music in the church.  Take the hymn "A Mighty Fortress is Our God."  The Sourcebook will tell you that Martin Luther wrote the tune and melody, and the arrangement is by JS Bach.  Except there is no way that Luther’s original melody would have survived in the 21st century.  It has only survived because of Bach’s use of the melody and reinvention of its meter and application of harmonies.  The Sourcebook notes that Luther wrote the words in the 1500s and Bach arranged it in the 1700s.  But thats about it.  It doesn’t trace how the melody somehow made it through the ages, slowly morphing and evolving into the hymn Christians know today.  There is something profoundly important about those words merged with those harmonies and translated in that way.  Those are the reasons why this particular Luther hymn lasted the years while others didn’t.  That’s where I’m at.  I know the Who’s and When’s.  I’m way more interested in the Why’s.  Now I know there aren’t always clear cut answers to the Why, but there is something to learn in discovering that process.  And I’m off topic.  The point is that professor basically told me something I already know.  Imagine telling someone you want to read Homer’s Odyssey, and they offered the advice of starting with "Run Spot Run."  You can already read, you need something in between those two.

This professor doesn’t realize that I’m already aware of Hymnal Sourcebooks and have used them.  I’m familiar with them.  I wish I owned them.  She doesn’t realize that I’m talking about highly advanced music theory and complicated theological ideas.  She thinks I need to learn to read.  Today’s church service, I played piano.  Guess when I first looked at the music.  Ten minutes before rehearsal started.  Okay, okay, I glanced at it when I picked it up on Wednesday.  But that’s like looking at the dust jacket of a book.  You haven’t read the book or even opened the cover.  I read the music this morning.  One stop shop.  The worship director told me she doesn’t like to use the same musicians week to week because its a lot of music for people to learn.  And I can understand that might be true for some people.  But I spent three years driving to church on Sunday morning not knowing what the prelude might be.  I have that skill.  Its just not appreciated here when I say I can play that.

The handbell director is starting to understand it.  I know if I can or cannot do something on handbells, usually right away.  Some things will take practice and hard work, but I can glance at the music and know how much work it will take.  She’s starting to get that.  Gah!  I just feel so wasted out here.  I’m not being challenged at all!  I went from a situation where I was constantly challenged and pushed further in music and in church to a place where I’m barely moving forward in either situation.

Yesterday I felt like getting out.  I mean, out of the state out of this school out of this place.  I’m still unsure, because I’m incredibly unhappy.  Not depressed, not sad, not stamp-my-feet-spoiled-princess unhappy.  But I just don’t give a damn anymore and I’m not putting my energy into something which only creates that huge sucking sound.  I’m no longer sure I’m supposed to be here and if that is the case I just want to get the hell out.  Let’s pull out, pack up and move on to the next place I’m supposed to be.  The roots aren’t taking hold and are actually rejecting the soil here.  Too many metaphors.

Today was a little better.  I’m been talking about doing a prayer service at the church here, and I’ve met with some encouragement.  I took some extreme steps today and talked with the worship director and the pastor.  They told me basically the same thing, and I found it interesting they both took this route.  They’re all for it, and basically are fine with me doing it all on my own.  I’ve figured out this is what makes me nuts about this church.  The left hand often doesn’t know what the right hand is doing.  Sometimes thats okay.  But every once in a while, one needs to remember the hands are connected to the same brain and body.

Anyways – I think its really going to happen.  I mean, I’ll have to run it and design it and implant it, but I have their support and the support of a number of other people.  I don’t mind doing this on my own, but I’d like to work WITH people on this as well.
I should take a few cues from West Wing.

BARTLETT
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Do you know why? 
WILL BAILEY
Because it’s the only thing that ever has.

BARTLETT
Run towards yourself.  I’m wrong about that – walk.  You’re not going to be used to your surroundings.

I’m somewhere in between those two quotes.  Wondering how thoughtful and committed I can be to the world here when I don’t feel like I belong, let alone hold the right to change it.  Wondering where I went as these surroundings are totally new and foreign to me.

Not to mention that this song actually makes me think of a certain Newfoundlander who still haunts the edges of my dreams.

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn’t have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax, talk about anything, it don’t matter
I’ll be courageous if you can pretend that you’ve forgiven me

Cause I don’t know you anymore
I don’t recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don’t talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn’t give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone’s got an agenda, don’t stop
Keep that chin up, you’ll be all right
Can you believe what a year it’s been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

‘Cause I don’t know you anymore
I don’t recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don’t talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn’t give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I’ve paid the price
I’m still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn’t have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn’t really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don’t know you anymore
I don’t recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don’t talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn’t give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face 

I Don’t Know You Anymore ~ Savage Garden