she’s ripping wings off of butterflies

I wrote not long ago about resetting what it is I’m focusing on while here at seminary. I’ve stopped trying to force myself to be a part of this community, this community where I don’t fit in. I’ve stopped trying to change myself or to adapt to a society in order to become part of the community, in order to create a support group. I’m remembering that I have a pretty good support system already in place and I have a place in my own community, even if that community is stretched over miles and accessed through the internet, phone calls and emails. I’m trying to stop being something I’m just not.

And I’m really feeling so much better. I’m remembering who I am and what I stand for. It’s becoming easier to just be who I am and not pretend to be someone I don’t even recognize. I have a feeling I’m going to isolate and anger some people in this process, but I don’t want to remain silent anymore. This is what I want and I’m going for it. This is what I care about and I’m going to work for it. These are the people who are my friends. I’ve never tried to be friends with people. I’ve never attempted to smooth myself over to become more palatable to people. I’m polite and nice and cordial, but if I didn’t care then it never went much further than that. I think this is why its important for me not to live at campus or in the housing. If no one at seminary wants to like me, well then that’s just hard cheese. I have plenty of friends and people who do care about me. I’m always open to more, but I don’t need them. I’ve always had this attitude, starting in high school. Love me or leave me. I’m not changing to fit someone else’s demands. I don’t know why I turned away from that when I came out here. I don’t know why I fought so hard against who I am or what I want. I forgot who I was, but I’m starting to remember.

I care about Megan. So I made the decision to go to Phoenix for Spring Break and see her. It has been years since I last saw her. I’ve already gone home this year and I don’t really want to go back. I’ve already visited Matt this year too. Not that I wouldn’t love to see him again, but there is only so much time and so many people. I’m seeing Manny at Settle’s wedding, so its now Megan’s turn. The plane ticket is bought and I’m going. That decision has started to influence how I’m thinking about other things, like deciding to get internet in my apartment. How in the world do those things connect?

One of my supports happens to be the online game WoW. Does that make me a geek? If you say so. I love the game and I love my guild. I hadn’t played in months, and when I returned I was greeted with such enthusiasm and excitement. They want me in the guild exactly how I am. They all know I’m in seminary and know I prefer Batman over Superman or Spiderman. They all know I pretty much like to grind my own way through the game. I’m not against helping others or even accepting help, but I like to work solo. Just me and my pet. Playing makes me happy. Playing and talking to these people make me really happy. I’m tired of doing things that make me feel inadequate or insecure or less than what I am. Does WoW make me a better person than you? Course not, don’t be ridiculous. But it is what I like and happiness makes me just a little bit better.

I feel like I’ve abandoned friends and people who are important to me because I’ve focused on the people here. The end result has made me feel like shit. I don’t have any friends here and I feel like I’m losing the friends I did have. So that ends here.

The other great thing about all this refocus is my renewed desire to work on my thesis project and things oboe related. I make time for reeds and playing, along with reading and studying and asking questions and poking and pushing. I’m not going to just let this time go wasting by.

Am I making friends at seminary? Yes, on a certain level. I’m starting to find people I really relate to and connect with. I’m talking about perhaps two people, but thats enough. I’ll pursue relationships with those people and if something comes of them, great. If not, well I’ve still got my old friends. New friends are like silver, but old friends are more precious than gold.

I’ve used the analogy of a house in the middle of a garden labyrinth before and this song seems to really echo all that. I’m not going to rebuild my house with people who don’t care to see the real me. I completely opened myself up to these people last semester. I tried to let them in. I’m not interested in placing blame. But I’m still rebuilding my home. I don’t want to live in a fairy tale anymore, and I’m not going to try to build my home with people who don’t see the real me. I’m willing to try and be open if they are willing to try and come closer to the real me. But most people around here aren’t seeing the real house. I don’t know what they see when they look at me, but I know its not really me. I’ve focused so long on caring what they see in me, caring that they like what they see that I’m almost forgot who I really was. So the tapestry of the beautiful, fully functioning and completed mansion is getting ripped away and I’m burning it on the lawn. Here I am. Here’s my house, here are my friends. My friends who help make up the walls and supports of the house. They know things aren’t perfect and sometimes one of them is called upon to do more than usual. But isn’t that friendship? Isn’t that part of caring about people? I would drop anything for any of them, just like I know they would do for me. I am done pretending. I am done being someone I’m not. Take me or leave me. I no longer could give a damn.

On a very basic level today, I shared one of my favorite words with a few people in the seminary today. We were discussing the amazingness that is Richard Dean Anderson and how the new Stargate just sucks dead air. It started with Cori and I talking about Farmville and what we needed for the horse stables. Dave walked by and stopped dead in his tracks. He said it looked like we were in deep conversation about something important until he heard the word Farmville. He pointed at me and said he already knew I was a geek, but didn’t know that Cori was as well. It felt nice for someone to see, recognize and remember my geekiness. Talk about seeing the real me. Quickly the conversation moved to how much the new Stargate sucked and how the original, with all its faults (its no Oscar-nominee) was still amazing. And somehow the term douche-wad came out. I couldn’t help but remember one of my favorite terms from Tiff. I wasn’t sure if I should share it or not, as it may not be considered a seminary-friendly word. But technically its not a curse word and in the new spirit of just being me, I decided to share. They cracked up and Dave said its his new favorite word and he was so happy I decided to share. And who wouldn’t want to use the word “twat waffle”? It just rolls so nicely off the tongue. Classic term.

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she’s left behind
Its all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong
Now she’s ripping wings off of butterflies

Keep your feet on the ground
When your heads in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out
But it was a trick and the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
Or the wolf’s gonna blow it down

Keep your feet on the ground
When your heads in the clouds

Well go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
and we’ll bury the castle, bury the castle

You built up a world of magic
because your real life is tragic
You built up a world of magic

If it’s not real you can’t hold it in your hands
You can’t feel it with your heart
And I won’t believe it
But if it’s true you can see it with your eyes
Even in the dark
And that’s where I want to be

Well go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Go get your shovel
And we’ll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Brick by Boring Brick ~ Paramore