NaNoWriMo/NoJo

 "What’s this supposed to mean?"

"Sorry?" I asked pulling my earphones out.

He threw a letter down on the table in front of me.  "I don’t get why you’re doing this."

‘I think the letter said it all."

"I don’t accept this!" His volume began to increase.

"I’m not really sure its up to you to accept it or not.  It is the way things are."

"You don’t get to decide how things are going to be every step of the way.  You don’t get to call all the shots!"

"This is the first decision I’ve made on my own!  Everything else has been about you.  You wanting to leave school, wanting to go home.  Should you continue in music?  Should you continue in school?  Should you stay or should you go.  All I ever did was support you and accept your decisions.  No matter what the cost to me."

"You told me you understood those choices.  You told me you wanted me to be happy.  You were probably the only person who supported me while I was trying to make those decisions.  Now that this is the way things are, you want to change the situation?  You’re pulling out?  I thought you had accepted everything."

I growled in frustration.  "I did accept your decisions.  I didn’t force you to stay.  I didn’t hold you hostage or threaten you.  I didn’t try to convince you one way or another.  I left that up to you.  You made your move and the situation changed all on its own.  I didn’t change anything."

"You’re changing everything!" he bellowed.  People in the quiet student center were starting to turn and stare.

I grabbed the letter and pushed him towards an empty classroom.  "Keep your voice down!"

"Don’t even think about telling me where to keep my voice!" he retorted with a half grin.

I waited until the door shut behind me before turning to face him.  "And don’t quote West Wing to me."  I shoved the letter into his chest.

He looked down at it before looking back up at me.  "I’m not going to accept this.  I don’t agree with it."

His words finally sunk it.  "What do you mean you won’t accept it?"

"You’re ending our friendship.  I’m not accepting that.  You can stop being friends with me, but I’m not going to stop being friends with you."

"You’re kidding me right?  You don’t act like my friend.  Not anymore.  You left, in a wake of promises not to abandon me, which is exactly what you did.  I waited and hoped and thought…  I don’t even know what I thought.  But you were never there."

"Maggie, I’m always here for you.  But we’re just separated by distance now.  You can always call me if you need me."

"Yeah, but I can’t.  You aren’t always there.  I’m not begrudging or hating you for your life.  You deserve to be happy and you deserve the best.  But you can’t have that life and be there for me too."

His face twisted slightly.

"I didn’t mean to make that sound like an ultimatum.  Its just a statement of how things are."

"Why do you get to call all the shots and make all the decisions?  It’s incredibly selfish.  You’re acting like you’re the only one losing anything here.  I still want my friend to be my friend.  I want to be able to talk to you."  He reached out and took me by my shoulders. "I don’t want to lose you."

I took a shaky breath.  "Don’t you see that it hurts?  It hurts so much to be near you.  It hurts to hear your voice, smell your cologne, or relive any memory of you."  Tears starting building in my eyes.  "It hurts to talk to you, to see you, to think about you.  I just can’t do it anymore.  I don’t want to hurt anymore."  I pulled away from him, the tears running down my face.  "Maybe you should think about that when you’re accusing me of being selfish."

I turned and fled from the student center.  The building felt like it was suffocating and I needed fresh air.  Outside, I kept moving, half-running and half-walking, barely seeing where I was going.  I skirted the edge of campus in an attempt to avoid as many people as I could.  I felt like I couldn’t breath, like I couldn’t hold onto anything solid.  Eventually, my lungs couldn’t keep up with my legs and my sobbing. I sunk into the November cold dirt next to the road.

"Maggie!"  I felt hands grab me before my head could hit the ground.  "What happened?  Are you okay?"

Startled, I pulled away until I saw who it was.  "Jonas!  Where did you come from?"

"I was in the student center when that guy came in and you two started arguing.  When you ran out, I followed you.  What happened?"

"Just a difference of opinions."  I tried to wipe my face into a normal appearance.

"It seemed like a little more than that."

I waited until I knew my voice wouldn’t break.  "I don’t really want to talk about it."

He nodded and leaned back on his heels.  "You want me to stay?  Go?"

I looked at him for another moment.  "I can go back now."

"There’s no rush.  I can wait with you if you want."

I nodded and tried to take deep breath.  The attempt to steady myself failed and another sob ripped through my chest.  I clutched my chest, desperate for air and relief.

Jonas reached out and held my shoulders.  "Stop fighting this.  Just let go."

And doubling over with the pain, I cried.