Betrayals

Unintended betrayals are the worst.  They rank up there with betrayals by friends, people you never thought would stab you in the back.  I’ve been betrayed by people I trust, people I thought I could count on.  And tonight I figured out there’s another one to add to the list.  Most likely the first personal betrayal…
 
I went and saw the some old family friends this weekend.  I don’t know how many years its been since I’ve seen them, but I’ve known them my whole life.  Rebecca and I started talking on Facebook a few years ago and sometimes online.  Never very often, but occassionally.  I’ve always felt strange around her, though I’ve never quite been able to figure out why.  There’s a little bit of moral superiority that she’s always had, but thats the way of her whole family.  Anyways, she got engaged this weekend and was given an engagement present by her sister, Cyndi.  Cyndi had entered into a wedding contest and Rebecca was the grand prize winner.  Just about 75% of her wedding is now paid for and she’ll get the dream wedding every girl wants.  Her father had videotaped her receiving this gift and we watched it on Sunday along with her fiances’ parents and family friends.  Her fiance, Matt, read the letter Cyndi had written for the contest.  It talked about how caring and giving Rebecca was, even after the “hard time right after high school.”  Rebecca had gotten pregnant and decided to give her daughter up for adoption.  She believes it was the best decision, although I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been.  I knew Rebecca had struggled with depression during that time, though I didn’t know how deep or bad it was.  Eventually she moved out to MI to live with her parents.  Cyndi’s letter talked about how Rebecca completely changed; she closed up and retreated into herself after the pregnancy.  Less than a year ago, she started coming out of her shell and met Matt and has returned to her loving, caring, giving self.  Cyndi’s letter talked about how she always placed others before herself and cared for them with a deep kindness.  Everyone in the room was crying, though I felt differently than I believe the others did.
 
It wasn’t until tonight I figured out why.  Rebecca and I grew up together, and as children referred to one another as best friends.  But I remember the day in jr. high, long before she “retreated into herself and completely changed”, when she informed me that we were not best friends.  I remember the coldness in her voice and the sting of her words.  I retreated away from her and gave in.  In high school, I endured everyone adoring her and watched her become close with not only her own friends, but moving in on my friends too.  I look back now and realize I was so envious of Settle and Jamie because they were my friends, and she was “encroaching.”  Its absolutely pathetic, but it felt true at the time.  Especially because I felt she excluded me from her friends, almost to a point of cruelty.  We moved in some of the same circles but I always felt odd calling her my friend.  She wasn’t really my friend; she was just a girl I used to know.
 
When she got pregnant, she called me and told me herself what had happened.  I felt abandoned and angry with her, and I felt her pull away from me.  I didn’t know how to help her or handle her because I didn’t really think of us as friends.  What did she need me for?  She had Jeff, Christina, Justin, Dave and all these other people around her.  Not to mention her six brothers and sisters.  I know that there was a lot of angry words said within the family.  Her niece, Kimmie, kept me informed.  Both Kim and I were angry with her and sometimes talked with each other about how we felt.  I can’t imagine how she must have felt, and I know I could have done a better job to support her.  Maybe she felt abandoned by me too.  But I didn’t know what to do for her.  I didn’t know her anymore.
 
I now realize why I feel so strange around her.  Everyone in high school always spoke of her kindness and warmth and loving care she had for them.  But I knew another side to her.  A cold, harsh, cruel side which cast me aside and never once looked back or cared for me again.  Jr. high was tough for me.  It was the first time I felt really lost, and I wonder if part of that was due to losing her friendship.  She never did anything to harm me, or spread secrets or anything of that nature.  But she abandoned me.
 
On one hand I understand.  She was a year older and had other friends.  Even I had other friends.  We had never been in the same school together until jr. high.  Perhaps I came on too strong, was too excited about the idea of being in the same school with her.  Perhaps I suffocated her.  But the caring, loving, kind girl everyone talks about wouldn’t have treated me so coldly.  It wasn’t harsh or loud or public.  But it was ice-cold and cruel.  It is not at all representative of the girl that everyone seems to talk about.
 
I haven’t talked to Kim in a while, but I know that Kim has seen that cruel, cold side to Rebecca.  We talked about it in high school, though I never brought up what happened in jr. high.  Perhaps a part of me felt that Rebecca deserved the pregnancy.  It was revenge and the consequences of her actions.  Perhaps thats why she pulled away from me.  I don’t really know.  There was a lot going on back then and I was pretty involved in other dramas at the time.  Besides Rebecca had made it clear she didn’t need me, and I wasn’t about to force my way into where I wasn’t wanted.
 
Still, hers was the first betrayal.  It was really the first time someone had turned on me so completely.  She was someone I loved and cared about, but the feelings were evidently not mutual.  I look at her now, and she’s a stranger to me.  She’s a shadow of the little girl I used to play with.
 
I mentioned something on Sunday about being bipolar.  We were talking about old church family and friends and I mentioned Paul.  How his new wife didn’t really seem to care for me much and how Paul used to take me out to eat ever so often.  I really enjoyed his company and perhaps if we had been in different situations, I would have ended up dating him.  I don’t know.  It never progressed because I was away at school.  I said something about telling him I was bipolar, to illustrate how good of a friend he was.  Rebecca said, in somewhat of a hurt voice, that I had never mentioned it to her.  It caught me off guard because for some reason I thought she did know.
 
But as I thought about it later, I realized I had not told her purposely.  Part of it was that I really wasn’t telling anyone back then.  But another part of it was that somewhere inside my unconscious I remember jr. high and her telling me we were not friends.  Even now, I often don’t tell friends though all the family does know.  It is a huge step for me to be in seminary and already have a number of people know about it.
 
There are some things that have changed with me in regards to being bipolar.  I do care who I tell.  But less so with people I’ve known for a longer period of time.  I don’t tend to tell people I’ve first met that I’m bipolar, mostly because I don’t want that to be their initial impression of me.  But friends I’ve had longer…  Some I do tell, and some I don’t.  Mostly it depends if it comes up or not.  I’ve gotten to the point where either my friends will still accept and love me or they won’t.  If they are in the latter half, do I really want to still be friends with them?
 
I’m haunted by a lot of memories here.  Every Wednesday I have to walk through the hallways of the college to get to work.  I was extremely depressed and unhappy the last time I was in those hallways and around that campus.  Even driving past my old dorm sends a shudder down my back.  I avoid some of those places, but am slowly trying to face the other demons.  Perhaps now is the time to face the memories and demons associated with Rebecca.  Perhaps now it’s time to tell her how I felt and let her be honest with me too.  Perhaps we can heal the distance that was created between us.
 
Or maybe, just like Feather, I forgive and forget the details, but remember the lesson.  I keep my eye on her and be prepared for the cruelty and coldness that might emerge from her at any moment.