Wallowing Allotment

 I’m giving myself 30 minutes to wallow.  Then I’ve got stuff to do.

I remember this feeling.  Of being alone in a room full of people.  Of feeling like the outsider, the odd one, the one not really wanted.

Differences are good.  I like being an individual and not exactly like everyone else.  I like that everyone else is different from each other too.  Differences are good.  But belonging…  Everyone wants to belong.  Everyone wants to be accepted.

And this is where western MI Christianity makes my head spin.  They accept you with a smile on their face and already have moved on to other things in their head.  I don’t mind if you don’t like him or don’t care how I’m doing or whatever.  But don’t have such a huge disconnect between your face and your heart.

Yes, I can tell.  I can tell those who ask me how I am because they are genuinely interested and those who ask because they’re supposed to.  I can tell those who remember my name because they want to and those who just happen to recall the information.  You can see it in the eyes.  I’m sure people can see it in my eyes too.  The difference perhaps is I don’t try to hide it.  If I smile and greet you, I really care.  If I don’t, you won’t get a glimpse of a smile out of me.

Doesn’t sound very Christian now does it?

Perhaps not.  But I’m more interested in honesty than fake kindness.  I often have to make an effort to be kind.  Remind myself to look up, smile and connect with people.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.  Simply means its not something I think about.  I’m pretty self-involved in case you haven’t noticed.  But when I do remember to look up, and connect with someone’s eyes, the smile is genuine.  Asking about their day, family, kids, is all genuine.  None of it is forced or fake.  Its real.  Its honest.  I do honestly care how your son’s birthday went.  If I didn’t, I wouldn’t ask.

Okay, let’s break that down.  Do I really care about some 4-year-old’s party?  No.  But I know its important to you.  And you are my friend.  So I’m going to ask.  Because you are important to me.

Anyways…  I’m feeling homesick and lonely.  I have nothing to do this weekend.  Perhaps I should invite Mike over for dinner or lunch.  Or something.  Means I need to clean.  Means I need to get organized.  Means I might have something to do this weekend.  Means I might have something to look forward to.

Means I have to step out of my box and invite the guy I’m crushing on over to my house, my apartment, my place.

Ehh, I don’t know about all that.  Maybe I’ll just stay lonely.