8-25-09

So its time to start keeping track of things again. Just because there is too much to keep track of. Last week I moved into the apartment and I had only… incident. We were driving back from somewhere and heading back to the apartment. Judy didn’t want to stay on 28th, cause its a busy road and whatever. It really wasn’t all that bad, but I didn’t care. So she asked if she could turn off down the street ahead, and Mom answers, “Yeah, go for it.” I was supposed to be navigating so that I learned my way around town and because Mom has a horrible sense of direction. I said I didn’t know that it went though, but if Mom was taking over that was fine. Well, as I thought, the road didn’t go through. It really wasn’t a big deal, but for whatever reason I started getting upset. I felt myself losing my temper and patience. So I removed myself from the problem solving. Of course, Mom jumped to the accusation that I was acting like my father. Just shutting down when things don’t go according to plan. Maybe she’s right. But it was more than that. My emotions were spinning and I didn’t really know exactly why. But I knew I was at a point where my reaction, whatever it was, would be an overreaction. I couldn’t control it. The only thing I could do was end it. We weren’t lost and they figured it out with little problem. But I needed the moment to calm down and just be left alone. I’d been with my mother 24/7 for the past week and I needed the space, the moments, the time to get myself under control.

What really annoys me is I know my mother and aunt are talking about it. How I lost control, how I’m not normal, or whatever it is. Except I didn’t lose control. I did the exact opposite. I kept my control and regained my cool. In the past, I would have yelled and screamed and cried and made accusations that had nothing to do with the problem at hand. I don’t think my mother has seen me do that before. But sometimes I just need a moment to regain control and calm down. She accused me of shutting down. And perhaps I was shutting down. But I know it would have been worse had I not. I just need to close down and reboot. I’ve done it a few times at Fredonia but I don’t think I’ve done it at home or in front of my mother before.

I had a mini-anxiety attack on Monday when I first got here, but it quickly passed. My fear of this place has now become a positive, at least initially. People are friendly and nice, which is good, except I’m used to downstate NY. Where there is a HUGE difference between polite civility and friendliness. You know who likes you and who doesn’t. Maybe except those who are specifically hiding their true feelings. But there is a truth out there. Out here everyone is friendly and nice, but it sometimes makes me wonder if they actually like me. If they actually care how I’m doing. But that’s an old issue. I walked into registration and picked up my name tag and headed to the Student Center. There were some empty tables and tables with people already sitting at them. The tables were either full or empty. So where was I supposed to go? I was getting anxious about sitting alone AND about introducing myself to a table where people are already talking and engaged in conversation. The problem was taken out of my hands when another new student walked in and we just sat down together. I’m haunted by this name, but it was great to meet someone who didn’t want to impose on another table and who didn’t want to sit alone. And we’ve sat together at Chapel and our lecture/class things. We also went to the bookstore together to get a few textbooks. I have a friend. And that has made this whole thing that much easier, right off the bat.

He couldn’t stop staring at me today. It cracked me up. He sat next to me at the Hermeneutics lecture, same seats at yesterday. I wasn’t particularly saving him a seat, but I wasn’t upset about it all either. He told me he was going to be studying for the Bible Survey AP test that afternoon since he already read all the material for Hermeneutics. And he did, but it was obvious when his brain started to short out and he just gave up and started paying attention to the lecture a bit. So that was fine and normal and whatever. I’m trying not to appear clingy, which I don’t feel like I need to be, but at the same time not appear rude. So after the lecture finally ended, we headed to lunch with our Student Ambassadors. I didn’t know what grouping we’d be in, but we definitely walked together. It was nice and strange, but more nice than strange. At the lunch we were at different tables, but he kept turning to look at me and grinning like an idiot. Its not like he had to completely turn around to see me, but I was definitely not in his line of sight without him shifting in his seat. It was cute and about the fourth time I caught him doing it, I started to wonder. I kept checking and sure enough he was constantly turning to look at me. I don’t know why, because for all I know I had something on my face. But I’m not sure. He had this goofy, adorable grin on his face every time he caught my eye. After lunch I had to do some stuff and then he was cramming for the test. I got sorted out and wished him good luck. Even then, when I was walking back and forth, he kept grinning every time he caught my eye, though he didn’t stop mouthing the memorization.

I’m trying extremely hard not to read too much into anything right now. I need to figure out how I’m going to make all this work and balance myself long before I get into any kind of relationship of that sort. And for all I know maybe he had some joke in his head or something. But it was nice. To be smiled at like that. To be able to make someone’s face light up, even the tiniest bit, every time you walk into view. And now its an hour later than I intended to be up. Tomorrow is a wickedly long day, so I’ve got to get some sleep.