Thoughts

So much has happened since I finally left western NY.  I don’t really want to write about all of it because some of it I’ve finally gotten past and I don’t want to fall backwards.  Some of it I’m still going through and not totally sure how to deal with.  But in the past month, there have been a few moments I would like to remember.

You didn’t need fixing.  You were never broken.

Those words echoed in my head as I lay wrapped in Manny’s arms.  The city noise outside ebbed and flowed as the words circled in my head.  You didn’t need fixing.  You were never broken.  For all his wonderful qualities, Manny never believed that.  And for all his faults, Mike was the only one who believed it and actually made me believe it too.  And in light of recent therapy sessions, this is something I seem to have forgotten.  I constantly believe that I’m broken, that I’m crazy, that I need to get better again.  But this isn’t really the truth.  You didn’t need fixing.  You were never broken.

I’ve been in a bad mood lately, and driving to the City and back did nothing to improve my mood.  When Manny suggested we go to bed around 1am, I was so unhappy I thought about just driving home then.  There would have been no traffic that late at night, and I was already awake.  The second time I woke up around 4am, I considered it again.  But that is not something a sane person suggests, or does.  Getting up at 4am and driving home.  Manny already knew I was not in the best of moods.  I could tell by the way he treated me, as if his hands were in kid gloves, so careful not to piss me off or do anything to upset me.  I know he was just thinking I was acting a little insane and things were not okay.  All he had to do was stay out of the line of fire and everything would be okay.  Mike never treated me with kid gloves.  You didn’t need fixing.  You were never broken.

Where will you go after seminary?

Its a constant question that I hear when speaking of my future.  My basic answer has been "Where ever they will hire me!"  I have no boyfriend/husband/kids to pull me back to one place or another.  And for some reason, unknown to me, I really don’t know where I’ll end up.  Getting a job will be important and could end up being a deciding factor.  But I haven’t had any great desire for one location or another.  Except I don’t like heat, so would prefer north.  But there’s a lot of "north" in the US.

This morning, for some reason, there was a place echoing in my head.  I was listening to a news report about Chicago and the re-naming of the Sears Tower and thought "The Sears Tower isn’t in Seattle.  Why are they talking about it?"  There’s something in Seattle.  Besides rain.  But there’s something in Seattle I’m supposed to go to.  A thought rattled around the open hallways of my brain, like a tumbleweed on the praire.  He’s there.  I don’t know who he is or where that thought came from.  I only have a few friends who live in Washington, though not Seattle, and we don’t talk often.  But that thought has just planted itself and refuses to budge.  He’s there.  He’s waiting.  I can’t seem to shake the feeling, so I turn my back on it for the moment and return to daily life.

I’ve finally figured out the why, but I haven’t been getting enough hours at work.  About ninety-five percent of the people here at work have been annoying me and getting under my skin, so its not a big deal….

OOPS!  Time for Spanish class, where we learn to speak Spanish by watching music videos on YouTube.  No joke.