05/26/2009

Dear Sallie,

I hate this feeling.  I feel like I’m lying to him, like I’m holding back and not being honest.  Which is partly true, but at the same time, does it really matter?  We broke up so long ago and we already decided it was not worth another try.  We’re friends now and I’m not looking for another shot at an intimate relationship.  But I keep coming back to this feeling.  He deserves to know why, right?  He deserves to know the reason behind why I constantly broke up with him and never seemed to really fight for him.  I know why I’m not good enough for him, but he does not know why he’s not good enough for me.  I don’t like the way that sounded, but it is the truth.  It is the same reason that is keeping me from running after James.  It is the same reason that kept me from running after Newfie.

I hate that I’m constantly falling for guys I know won’t be The One.  No, I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect.  I’m looking for Mr. Perfect-For-Me.  It just feels like I can never find the full package.  One part is dead on, but another doesn’t quite work out.  And I’m not being too picky or looking for perfection.  But there are some things I can’t and won’t settle without.  Criteria that must be met.  And I refuse to lower the bar.

Its just starting to get to me that I can’t keep myself from falling for the wrong guys.  The guys that I know aren’t Mr. Perfect-For-Me.  This is why I’m so protected and guarded.  Or at least part of the reason.

I need some advice.  Should I tell my family about this semester?  About why I didn’t graduate and why I’m taking more classes?  I want to be open and honest and accept their support, but at the same time…  It’s going to be a disappointment.  They are going to be sad for me, pity me, or even be angry with me.  I think I could stand the anger more than anything else.  Except it will just be covering their disappointment.  Megan gets angry with me.  But that’s because she gets it better than anyone else.  And its genuine anger.  Not anger as a mask for something else.  On one hand, I do want to tell them.  I hate hiding parts of my life for them.  My uncle made a comment about my not posting in my blog since my recital.  How do I tell him its because I have nothing to be proud of?  I have nothing to share that’s worth sharing.  How do I tell him its because I’m depressed and anxious and not well again?  I’m hiding from them all because I don’t want to feel their disappointment.

But I’m not really sure that’s the best thing either.  I need to face my fears and accept my…

I was going to say punishment, but Jenny is starting to think I punish myself too much.  That’s part of my perfectionism.  And I’m really starting to think she might be on to something there with this perfectionism thing.

Well, tomorrow is another start.  Not a new start.  If nothing else, I’ve learned there aren’t do-overs.  I don’t get to restart my life and pretend bipolarism isn’t a part of it.  Or that I won’t be anxious and scared and nervous.  I have to learn from my mistakes, my past actions and move forward to the next part.  This is not a new start.  This is just another starting place.  Another marker in my journey.

I really hope I don’t fuck things up again.

~Me