More for Sallie

Dear Sallie,

I knew I would miss him.  Its just like I missed you once I really began to notice you were gone.  Just how I missed Lulorial and Newfie when they were no longer there.  But I wasn’t expecting how much I would miss him.  I mean, I really miss him.  There was no one sitting behind me in church singing all the hymns and liturgy.  I always underestimate how much I appreciate having him there until he’s gone.  Yes, there were plenty of Sundays when he didn’t go to church and I did miss him then too.  The difference now becomes that its over.  He’s gone for good and we’ll never be there again, in that situation again.

I’m not being fatalistic.  I know we’re still friends and its not like our friendship is over.  No "Goodbye forever!" dramatics are needed, thank you.  But I do miss him.  I think this is why I hate change so much.  I was comfortable with Newfie, James and Mouse sitting behind me in church and singing along.  Then Newfie left and there was this hole. A hole that someone James stepped into this past year.  I don’t know if its because of the vacuum effect or what, but he filled that need.  That missing of Newfie.  Not only did he fill that need, but he overflowed the cup.  I highly doubt Newfie would be please to hear he’d been replaced (so to speak) by someone better.  I didn’t miss Newfie when James was around.  Not like I forgot him or that James really was a better person.  Just different.  Filled different needs for me.

How I wish you and I could be together.  I remember drawing our names inside little hearts on my notebooks.  You filled so many needs for me when we were younger and now you’re filling another one.  My little secret confidant.

The medicine is starting to work.  But not enough and not fast enough.  I still have this unexplained fear of being seen.  It needs to go away by Tuesday, or at least enough so that I can go to class and the Registrar’s office.  I am determined to make this work.  I’m determined to graduate and move to Michigan and start school out there.  I want to succeed in life and be me to the fullest extent.  I want to play music and worship and lead and be respected.  I want to be knowledgable and be able to talk about religion and music without getting flustered or feeling inadequate.  Most of all, I want to discover my family.  Whether its a collection of friends, or an actual husband and children – I want a family.  Close-knit and loyal.  Much like the Small Brain Oboes, but even better.

I blame Mouse.  Not for being uncaring, but for being ignorant.  Which is ridiculous and unreasonable, but the more I try to push that all away, the worse it gets.  She knows I’ve got issues and when I disappeared for days, she didn’t do anything.  I didn’t expect her to march over to my apartment every morning, or disregard her life and responsibilities to chase me.  It didn’t need to be that extreme.  But other than gently chiding me once, she did nothing.  Could have told Doc, could have called the counseling center, could have confronted me more.  Honestly, I don’t know what she could have done to make a difference, but it also felt like she didn’t even try.  As much as Manny screwed up with his attempts to help me, he was at least trying.  Failing, but trying.  I’ve never once doubted that he cares or wants to help.  I don’t trust people to start with, and often wonder why they are still friends with me.  I rarely find the answer, but it is (in all reality) a stupid question.

I guess what really gets me is this – I know that Lulorial can’t be there for me the way I need someone.  She has her own issues to deal with, and isn’t ready or capable to deal with mine on the level I need.  Megan is.  Megan will tell me straight up when I’m being a dumbass and should not be doing X, Y, or Z.  Doesn’t mean she’ll abandon me, but she’ll call me out on my shit.  Just like I will with her.  But Lu just isn’t capable of doing that for me.  James has only started to be able to know how to help, but he’s still a long ways from calling me a dumbass.  But Mouse – I thought Mouse was more, better, something.  I don’t know what.  She does sometimes call me out on my stuff, but when it really mattered, she didn’t.  She took no action.  I feel horrible for saying this, but I’m feeling like I can’t depend on her.  And I really thought I could.

But I can hear you already – What have I done to prove she can depend on me?  I know friendships aren’t always about proving yourself and sometimes you just have to trust.  But thats not really the way it works with me.  I have circles, I have layers.  I have people who are close to me, who have made it through all the walls I’ve put up.  And there are others who have not made it through as many walls.  Its a visual I’ve discussed before.  The house in the center, surrounded by a walled garden, which is surrounded by another walled garden, and another and another, forming more and more circles around my house – my heart – my true self.  Some people are lucky enough to locate the doors in the walls and are able to pass through many of them without a scratch (Newfie).  Others have had to crawl, scratch and fight every step of the way (Manny).  There are others who were pretty far in, but they took a wrong step and were flung backwards, further from the house (Feather).  Everyone falls somewhere in that walled… island or whatever it is.  I guess I thought Mouse was further inside the rings than she actually was.  And that makes me sad.

I know I keep people at arm’s length.  I let people in only so far.  I don’t trust and it is one of the things I constantly work at.  But I’m getting ready to end my time out in Western NY, and I wonder.  Does anyone out here know the real me?  And yes, I know what your answer to that is – "And whose fault is that?"

~Me