and nevermind if nothing makes sense

I have a plan.  Its amazing how much better I can feel after I have a plan.

I talked to Megan tonight at length about…  Well, everything under the sun.  We’re afraid of the dark and ending up talking until her phone battery died.  Longer story than I want to explain.  We got to talking about the similarities between alcoholism and mental illness.  She’s probably the only person I know who understands the daily battle to stay on meds.  For her, its the daily battle not to have a drink.  She really understands the concept of one day at a time.  These diagnosis are life sentences.  They are chronic and managable.  But they are chronic and will never end.  Meds are cool, but they are not a cure.  Just like soberity is not a cure.  Once you get sober, the hard part is staying sober.  Convincing yourself to continue not drinking.  She told me about a saying AA old-timers have.  Young kids come into meetings and ask how long they have to go to meetings.  The answer is "Until you want to go."  You know you don’t need to go to meetings when you want to go to meetings.  Those are the good times, the high points.  You enjoy the meetings and look forward to going, so you keep going.  The answer is basically forever.  You have to go to these meetings forever.  You will always need the support and help AA provides.  The same applies to bipolar.  You will always need to deal with this.  Every day.  You can’t ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist.  Every day is another struggle to stay responsible.  She also talked about needing a safety net, a plan for when you screw up.  She talked about knowing what to do when she drinks.  Some people say thats setting yourself up for failure.  And maybe its true.  But she and I both know she’ll drink again.  Just like she and I both know I’ll stop taking my meds.  (Oh, look – I did!)  It wasn’t being set up for failure, because in February I thought I was golden.  I thought I was cured.  Things were perfect.  Wonderful!  Except… oh wait.  I wasn’t cured.  Without a plan, I’ve nearly destroyed my chances of graduating, of seminary, of the rest of my life.

I figured out how to fix this problem.  I think.  I need to talk to people.  I need to admit out loud to all these problems and ask for help.  Admit that I fell off the wagon.  And step forward.  Cause the world is spinning rapidly on its axis.  I may have stopped moving forward at a normal pace, but that doesn’t mean to world froze in fear too.

I need three classes to graduate.  Three classes that I’ve stopped going to this semester.  Two of them are offered here in May and June, ending just as camp will be beginning.  I’ll need to figure out how to either stay in my apartment for that month or find a place to stay for June.  The third class I can take at community college at home while working at the camp.  Yes, it will limit a day when I won’t be able to work an evening shift.  But that’s part of my consequences.  The other part will be telling my parents, my professor and sorting the rest of it all out.

But I could graduate at start seminary on time.  I just need to say it out loud and move forward.  Ask for help and get back on the meds.

Still…. really scary.
Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
Try not to say anything weird

Save your questions without answers
‘Til your old enough to know that things ain’t as they appeared

Before you go out in the sun
Cover your skin and don’t get burned
Beware the cancer, it might kill you when you’re old

Be first in line, raise your hand
Remember everything you hear
And playing in the rain is worth catching cold

Sooner or later
We’ll be lookin’ back on everything
And we’ll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way

 We only want what’s best for you
That’s why we tell you what to do
And nevermind if nothing makes sense

‘Cause it all works out in the end
You’re just like us without a friend
But you can build a privacy fence (Yeah)

Sooner or later
We’ll be lookin’ back on everything
And we’ll laugh about it like we knew what all was happening
And someday you might listen to what people have to say
Now you learn the hard way

Somethings you have to learn them all on your own
You can’t rely on anybody else
Or the point of view of a source unknown
If it feels good and sounds nice
Then it’s your choice don’t doubt yourself
Don’t even think twice

Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face
You know they like it when you smile (Find a reason to smile)

Try not to focus on yourself
Share that love with someone else
Don’t let the bitters bring you down (Down)
Don’t let anything bring you down

Sooner or Later ~ Michael Tolcher