Wisdom from a Phoenix

Sometimes, people are "broken" but they don’t need to be "fixed". It all depends on what you want. That life, or the one you have.

A favorite of mine (though I don’t know that he knows how much I enjoy reading him), left that comment on my last entry.  And its got me thinking.  I keep thinking that being broken is wrong, and I need to fix it.  I’ve always felt that things that are imperfect or somehow not working exactly right need to be fixed.  They are wrong and shouldn’t be allowed out.

I’m broken.  I’m imperfect.  And both of those things are okay.  I’ve known for a long time I’m not perfect, and I’ve been okay with that.  But pairing the two words together.  Broken.  Imperfect.  And accepting them as being okay.  I’m okay.  I’m a good person and a good friend and I’m okay.  I’m not wrong.  I should be allowed out.  I should allow myself to go out.  To be in the world and actually live.  Even with my imperfections and the broken parts.  I know its just a word, but in my mind it really makes a difference.

My favorite books are not those with unbroken spines.  My favorite books have been read over and over.  The page edges are soft from my hands.  There’s food or coffee dripped on at least three pages.  There’s pieces missing where I read and reread passages, flicking the corner of the page with my fingers until it wore thin and fell off.  Do I hide these books and keep them from being used, or loaned out?  No.  These are the books that go with me to college and will be part of the initial move to Michigan.  They are not wrong and they absolutely should be let out.

Tracing this back into my faith it becomes even more sticky and slightly insane.  I am a sinner.  It is what I believe, so just accept this.  I am a sinner.  I have done wrong.  What gives me salvation is God’s grace, and the selfless act of his Son.  It is how I’ll get into heaven.  I believe this.  But I’m not perfect.  I will never achieve the heavenly perfection until I get there.  This is a little confusing to explain, but I can not rid myself of the sin.  The penalty for sin is death.  Christ paid that penalty on the cross, and by accepting Him I am made clean.  Except that clean perfection won’t be achieved….  K.  I just had a slight breakthru, and I’m not sure I can really explain it.  I’m just going to keep repeating this over and over, so I’m gonna let it up now.  I have another point to address.

It all depends on what you want.  That life, or the one you have.

Sounds simple, right?  Just decide what I want.  This is my dilemma.  The one I have now is familiar and safe.  I know what to expect, terrifying though it might be.  That life, the other choice, is scary as it is unknown.  I get freaked out by that unknown factor and retreat back into this life, dangerous and stupid, but familiar.  Have I mentioned lately I don’t like change?  Its such a stupid reason not to take that step into the other life, but its pretty much what is holding me back.  I don’t want things to change.  I want to stay in this place, this life forever.  I’m terrified of the uncertainty of that future.  "But Rory, this future is uncertain too.  You don’t know what tomorrow holds in either life."  Yeah, I’m aware.  But I’m more used to these surroundings.  I know my way in the dark here.  I could survive here.  "But you could live there."

Seriously, if anyone doubts the voices in my head, they should ask me why I’m afraid of something.

So I’m back to this decision.  What life do I want?  What do I want?