A past version of myself
So I stopped taking my meds about a week ago. I’ve been this happy, confident, productive and chipper woman for the past few months and its starting to freak me out. I’m not chipper. I’ve never been chipper in my life. Except when I’m forcing it in an attempt to be annoying. And everything is not really a bad thing, just a thing I’m not used to. I’m not me. Although I already noticed backsliding into other things that I didn’t like about me. So I started the meds again, and I’m getting back into the groove. But still… Why is all this bothering me?
I figured it out while talking to Manny last night while doing my laundry. In high school, I was happy, confident and productive. No, things weren’t perfect and yes, I still got upset or unhappy about things – even depressed. But looking back, it all feels like it was a relatively normal mood swings for a teenage girl. I liked that girl. After high school, I somehow lost contact with her. I changed into this depressive, randomly hostile, unhappy girl. The mood swings got worse, and generally things deteriorated. I don’t know how or why, but since Christmas, I’ve felt… better. But unsure of who I really am. I’m so used to being that depressive, angry, irrational freak, I don’t know how to deal with anything else. I think that was part of why my nervousness over my recital hearing was so awful. I’ve never dealt with it like that. I’ve never been okay about other things, to the point where I could focus on that one important moment. In the past, I would also being stressing about friends or boyfriends or classes, or the million other things that I used to obsess upon. But this time around, I had one focused thing to concern myself with. I wasn’t used to being like that. Its been years since I’ve been like that girl in high school, dealing with teenage angst but like a normal teenager. I was confident and helpful and purposeful. I haven’t been those things in so long, its taking me a while to remember how that actually works.
I’m also afraid that I’m not me anymore. That I’ve changed into someone completely different. That my friends will no longer be my friends because I’m not the same anymore. Manny told me that all the things he fell in love with are still there. And the things that he loved about me, even when I was a wacko, are still there. I’m still me. Its still unnerving. I’m not used to this person because I haven’ t been her in years and years and years. So this might take a little getting used to.
Watching some TV show this week, I got some insight into me too. Mood rings "predict" a person’s emotional state by reading their body temperature and changing colors accordingly. While I know these are not perfect and accurate measures, I never realized they were based on actual fact. When you are happy, your body temperature is slightly increased. Maybe only a degree or less, but still. When you are depressed or sad, your body temperature lowers slightly. I’ve always had low body temperature, hovering around 96 and 97 degrees, and sometimes dropping to 95. Its partly why I feel so crappy at 99 degrees, or even 100. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe I’ve always been sad or depressed, which is shown in my body temp. I don’t know if my body temp will go up as my mood really goes up. But its an interesting theory to think about.
But this is also where my fear of who I am comes into play. Who am I really? And how do I define me? Even better still, how do I deal with this new version of me? Wish I could find my owner’s manual. Would make all this so much easier.