Recital Woes

I’m supposed to post a lovely blog about how great my recital was.  How enjoyable it was.  But I’m still focusing on how badly it all sucked.  I’m not looking for praise or ego-stroking.  I know what I did well and I’m proud of that part.  But it was still not what I wanted to give as my senior recital.  I wanted it to be perfect.

Maybe that’s why this way was better.  It was never going to be perfect.  I was never going to be able to be satisfied with how I played.  Even more, I was never going to satisfy Doc with how I played.  She would never have let me alone.  This is my out.  This was my way to show how good I am, but not be crushed by how much I still lack.

Ehh, maybe not.  I’m still upset.  I wanted to be better.  I wanted to go out with a bang.  I can play and I wanted to show Doc that I’m good.  That I’m worth the time and effort she’s spent on me.  I’m worth more than the paper my degree will be written on.  That I’m actually worth the degree itself.

Wonderfully, no one has "attacked" me.  Not one person has told me how bad things were.  I mean, I know I did the best I could – but seriously?  It was pretty horrible.  I reached a point where I had to mock myself and the situation, because I could no longer keep a face of serious impressiveness.  Maybe thats part of the lesson here.  I get so caught up in the serious, tight-laced, focused, perfect side of the music, the performance that I forget to just let it all go and have fun.  It got to a point where I couldn’t be serious.  It was a ridiculous situation.  If I had attempted to pretend I was serious, I would have gone insane.  All I had left to do was laugh.  If I wasn’t laughing, I would have been crying and not able to go on.  So it worked.

As I said, no one has told me how bad it was.  I don’t expect them to walk around saying how much I suck because that’s really rude, and my friends aren’t like that.  But there is a fine line between being supportive and kind and being honest and truthful. I needed the support and kindness that night.  But I’m getting past all that.  Now I want the truth.  I know what was really bad.  I want to take out the parts marred by my cold, and judge what was left.  I did give my all when I could.  When I could, I did it to the best of my ability.  That’s what I want to be judged on.  That’s what I want to know.  I’d also like to know how badly the bad parts really were.  The perspective from the audience is different than the stage.  I also performed pieces that not many people are familiar with.  If you didn’t know the piece, you might not know how badly I screwed up.  There is also an aspect of just faking it.  There is a part of performance that is really all mental.  The audience can smell fear!  If you walk out there and keep your head up, keeping a stance and mindset that says "I meant to do that," no one will challenge you.  Well, at least you might fake them.  Its part of stage presence, and I tried my hardest to keep that presence going strong.  Though I did feel it begin to falter a few times.

I was going to try and write out that lovely blog.  But I’m still not quite in the right mindset.  Maybe tomorrow…