Over

Its over.  Man it sucked.  But its over.  My body hurts everywhere.  My head hurts, my face hurts, my arms hurt, my legs hurt, my brain is slowly shutting down to only major functions.  I’m not sure I can explain why things sucked so badly.  It has to do with the back pressure that is needed when you play a double reed instrument.  Its incredible, and hence having a cold is not only bad but can be excruciating when playing.  The pain hasn’t been too horrible.  And I’m not entirely certain how or why this occurs.  But the pressure and fluid in my sinus cavities messed with the back pressure needed to play the instrument.  I lost pressure.  Somewhere something wouldn’t hold the seal, and let out a starnge vibration through my sinuses and decreased the back pressure.  At first, its slow, but then it gains sound and momentum.  The dropping back pressure makes it impossible to play.  IMPOSSIBLE.  I’m not sure I can really explain how or why you can’t just blow.  Why there is back pressure needed to play this stupid instrument.  But it must.  Every oboist knows this.  You can’t just blow.  It has something to do with the problem of just inhaling as well.  We can’t just consistently inhale while playing and blow it out.  Eventually we need a moment to exhale – to literally catch out breath.

Exhaling and inhaling were fine.  But the back pressure, or lack thereof, was the problem.  It made it impossible to play long phrases, or even shorter phrases which required more back pressure.  I struggled.  The first half I tried to fight it, control it, ignore it, push through it – anything to make it go away.  That failed miserably.  And I knew I couldn’t go back out on stage in that mindset.  After the intermission, I basically embraced it.  More than half of the audience knew and understood the problem I was having.  They were mostly oboists and already knew I was sick.  So I just gave into the evil monster.  When I couldn’t play, or when I needed time to sniffle, I took the time I needed.  When I could play, I played my heart out.  There are moments, beautiful amazing moments which I poured my heart and soul into.  And there are moments which I just gave up.  Left out.  Pretended it was supposed to be that way.  Thankfully I had a great accompanist who could move with me and made it work.  I’m mad because I do know I can do better.  I’m mad because I had a great audience.  I’m PISSED because I wanted to show them all, and myself, what I could do – what a senior performance recital should be like.  But I’m also proud with what I was able to do.  But still more mad and annoyed than anything else.  Stupid sickness.  Stupid instrument.  Damn weather.

I’m focusing on the people who were here though.  Last time around it was friends.  Friends from high school who trekked across the state, a friend who crossed the OD/RL line.  This time it was my family.  My church family from here, my relatives from Rochester and my relatives from Indianapolis.  Yes, the one in Indiana.  Aunt Kathy, Matt and Tim made the long trek to be here for my recital.  Now I love all my cousins, and I am closer to some than to others.  But Matt and I have a special bond.  I got to hold him at 36 hours old.  He’s now a freshman in high school and taller than I.  We still have that bond though.  I wish we lived closer and I could see him more, spend more time with him and his siblings.  So it meant so much for him to be here with me.  His mother and I also share a very special bond, a distinct relationship.  I’ve known her longer than her husband has, which I can’t say for most of my aunts and uncles.  When I was a little girl, she was single and would spoil me rotten.  There are some very classic photos of us together, which I’m sure I’ll never be able to leave behind.  Its not that I don’t love the other people who were there.  But it took a lot for them to come all the way from Indianapolis just for one hour of music.

Almost makes up for Manny not being able to be here.  Yeah, I really think it just might.  But we won’t tell him that.