already suffered the fever of disbelief

I feel like I’m living my life in the wrong order.  This weekend was wonderful, perfect, exactly what I needed.  Except it never should have happened.  For most, a relationship starts off good, builds to a crescendo and then disintegrates into anger, arguments, fights and the inevitable break up.  It is the natural flow.  You don’t start off together with anger and fights then break up before you ever get to the good stuff.  There is something that was seen as good, desirable and this was sought after.  So what happens when the natural order is not followed…

We had a volatile relationship that needed an exact balance.  When we were good, we were the golden couple.  The intelligent and brunette versions of Barbie and Ken.  Untouchable.  But when we were on the outs, it was unbelievable.  Fire and brimstone looked like a New England Clam Bake compared to the devastation we rained down on each other.  Even after we stopped dating, the delicate balance could be easily disrupted.  Wonderful, close friends one minute and the next I wouldn’t even acknowledge his existance. It took its toll on both of us, but we were constantly drawn to each other. Something inexplicable drew us back together. Then a spark would ignite and everything would blow up again.

Seventeen months ago, we both had enough.  Like World War I, this was the war to end all wars.  If we couldn’t find a peace, there would never be peace.  We would walk away and sever all ties.  But peace was discovered and we walked away from that night as friends.  The spark that caused so many disasters seem to no longer be a concern.

Except sparks don’t always ignite disasters.  A spark is needed for fireworks.  Fireworks, though can be deadly and dangerous, are also beautiful and stunning to watch.

I don’t know how it started.  I was sleeping.  I was warm, safe and extremely happy.  I woke up with his hands on my body and racing hormones.  I tried to ignore it, but there is only so much a girl can take.  I couldn’t believe he didn’t know what he was doing.  The spark we had so carefully kept hidden was reeking havok.  Confused, I stopped us before things went too far.

He claims he didn’t intend for anything to happen.  He still cares for me and loves me, but he’s over me.  His feelings for me have changed.  He doesn’t neeed me the way he once did.  His happiness is no longer directly connected to me.  This is his definition of being over me.  His actions and casual conversation seem to tell a different story.  Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is not an adorable act.  He claims the way I eat my sandwich is adorable and cute.  He tells me I look sexy in sweats with bedhair.  He loves touching my skin because its so soft.  He kisses my nose, my forehead, my hands when our friends aren’t around.  He can’t keep his hands off me even when they are.  He has this desire for us to be touching even if its the slightest touch.  This is what I don’t understand.  How do these actions fall in line with his claims of being over me?

The kicker is that he kissed me back. I may have initiated the kissing after he initiated the touching.  But there was a moment.  We were both in control, back to our senses.  And he kissed me back.  Just as hard and demanding as I had been.  He claims if I had not stopped us, he would have.  But that kiss makes me wonder.  It wasn’t just his body’s natural reaction to me.  I know him too well for that.  He intiated.  Again.

So now I wonder…   He once claimed to be over me.  In his mind, the best of his knowledge, he was over me.  I was uncertain and asked his best friend.  There was confirmation from the friend, who assured me things were fine.  With 20/20 vision, he looks back and admits he did not know himself well enough.  He was not over me, and we ended up back together.  I wonder if the same thing could be happening again.  His head may be over me, but his heart is fighting the rational decision.  He may not know himself.  It has happened before.

So now I’m struggling.  I used to think I was still hung up on him, while he has moved on.  But now I’m starting to feel the opposite.  By admitting my true feelings and allowing them to run themselves dry, I’m more over him than I realized.  

Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am a utopian citizen
I’m still convinced
There’s no such thing as idealism

Memories they’re following me like a shadow now
And I’m dreamin’ 
Cause I’ve already suffered the fever of disbelief

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were 
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
And I wish you were here

I was true as the sky is blue
I couldn’t soon say the same for you
So now I find denial in my eyes
I’m mesmerized by the picture that’s in my mind

Tell me when I’ll finally see your shallow heart
For what it is
‘Cause I don’t want to keep on believin’ in illusions

No no no

Cause I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were 
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were
I wish you were here

Sometimes I can’t explain
And I’m so sorry that I can’t
I’ll try to concentrate
On your true identity

Cause I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were 
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were

I’ve seen your act
And I know all the facts
I’m still in love with who I wish you were 
It ain’t hard to see
Who you are underneath
I’m still in love with who I wish you were

I wish you were here… Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I wish you were here… Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
I wish you were here…
I wish you were here…
I wish you were here…

Wish You Were ~ Kate Voegele