accusation, does yes mean no
She wears me down. There is so much I don’t tell her, don’t want her to be a part of anymore. I just don’t trust her. I don’t want to hear it from her. But I can’t tell her to shove off. She needs me, and I just can’t be that much of a bitch. She needs me so much more than I even want her. I feel horrible because I wish I could forgive her and just move on. Its been years now and I still can’t let go.
Perhaps part of it is my realization that she hasn’t grown up as much as I need her to. She still complains about everything. She whines and bitches about every little thing, and most of it I could really care less about. Thank goodness we both have Verizon with in-network texting. She sends 20-30 texts a day about everything that happens. When she leaves home, what she cooks for dinner, how many friends her roommate has over, when she’s going to bed, when her boyfriend calls. It just wears me down. I don’t care.
Part of my not caring is because she didn’t care about me when she stabbed me in the back. And I can’t seem to forget that, I can’t seem to let that go. She stabbed me in the back, and then turned her back on me. When we finally sat down, she had no reason for her actions. She claimed she didn’t know why she did what she did. I never understood her actions. One of the things Manny and I got out during our last fight was all the explanations of our fights, all our arguments, betrayals and hurts. We had already picked apart most of them, but it wasn’t until that last fight did we really get everything out. We finally both understand why we did what we did. I still don’t understand why she betrayed me, why she attacked me and turned against me.
I understand that she may not even know the answer to those questions. I realized that concept after Tim and I broke up. I wanted answers from him, but he refused to talk to me. Deb told me that he may not have the answers to my questions and I just needed to let him go. I was able to let him go, move beyond him and leave him in my past. But she came back and is a constant reminder of what happened between us. I can’t seem to move beyond it. I can’t let her go because she’s still here.
Today she was complaining that I wouldn’t be home enough and why did I have to go back so soon. As much as I love my hometown, its no longer my home. I don’t want to stay there. The summer feels like it goes on forever. She bitches that she never sees me, but I feel like I have other friends – better, closer friends – who I get to see even less often than her. What about Megan? Megan who has never once betrayed me or turned her back on me. She’s always been there for me. And during my darkest, crappiest hours she was nowhere to be found. She just walked away from me. She pretends to know me so well, but honestly, she wasn’t there for me while I was doing a lot of my growing up. She acts as if she knows Manny so well, but she really never has. It annoys me that she acts as if she knows me so well when she really doesn’t. She makes assumptions about me and my reactions which are totally wrong.
I’m just tired of it. I wish I could tell her to fuck off. Make her feel like I did when she told me the same thing. But I know thats just petty and immature. I do not wish to sink to that level, to be that type of person. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t annoy me beyond belief.
Liberate the people that you hate
Then cut yourself again
Elevate then drop back down
And see which ones remain
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it
You’ll make it through
With another point of view again
You’ll make it through
With another point
Accusation, does yes mean no?
Or have you changed your mind?
Kill the nation before it grows
And be one of a kind
Remember all that she can say
Is that she knows she wants it
You’ll make it through
With another point of view again
You’ll make it through
With another point
Pretend the world’s an ocean
Oh, I’m drowning
Pretend that I’m pollution
Oh, I’m dying
Pretend the steak’s a cowboy
And the kiss will kill you
You’ll make it through
With another point of view again
You’ll make it through
With another point
Point of View ~ Silverchair