Head in the Sand
A good weekend. Besides the fact that I’m sticking my head back into the sand. I have a sneaking suspecision that there are some random rumors and nasty gossip that is starting to circulate the music building about me. I don’t want to get dragged into some melodramatic scene out of a bad opera. Maybe they were all talking about me before, and I was just too oblivious to notice. Or I was really just out of sight, out of mind. Now I’m starting to pop back up and tongues are set a-flying. Either way – I’m sticking my head back into the sand. I’m staying OUT of drama this year. There is enough that life itself creates by the living.
There was a lot of remembrances this weekend. Some things I’ve completely forgotten about, some things I barely remember, and some things I feel were only yesterday. I try to live without any regrets, and while there are things I would like to change, mistakes I wish to redo, I know all those things make me who I am today. Its the whole chaos theory and butterfly effect. Either way, like an addict, there are people I wish I could go back to and apologize to. For things I’d said or done, or not said or done. Its an acknowledgement that I did something wrong, something I can’t fix, but something I do feel remorse over.
I suppose those are two different feelings, remorse and regret. Regret suggests the desire for a redo, for a start-again, a second chance to do things right, or even do something at all. Remorse suggests the understanding the moment is passed and cannot be reclaimed. While both are an acknowledgement of things not done right, one seems to reside in the past, while the other looks to the future. I don’t regret my life, my choices, my mistakes, my failures. Without them, I wouldn’t be me. I would be someone else, a different version of me. Perhaps she would be better. There is also a chance she would be worse. I suppose there is another chance I’d still be in exactly the same position I am in now. Either way – I do like who I am. The times when I’m not comfortable in my own skin, is when something in society tells me I don’t fit the mold. Whether its body image, or weight, or hair color, or style, or make-up or something else. I should be more girly, or more tomboyish, not so stuck in the middle. I shouldn’t enjoy waltzes AND hiking along oil-slicked train tracks. They don’t mix. Its all society placing its restrictions, its definitions on me. But when I forget those and let go, when I ignore those ideals and listen to my inner voice, I release.
I’ve wandered from but….. My point was some of what was discussed this weekend were things I have remorse over. I can’t go back and change it all. But I could make apologizes, attempt to make amends. There are people, who on my first instinct was to trust them, believe them to be good, solid people. Somehow my perception of them was warped. But my first instincts were right. My inner voice was pretty close to dead on, and I should listen to her more.
This brings me back to the head in the sand concept. I don’t want to be influenced by what people tell me I should do, or wear, or eat, or think, or believe. I don’t want them trying to shove me into their little definitions. I am me. Take it or leave it. Somewhere during a conversation with Lulorial, I came up with ther perfect motto.
I’m sticking my head in the sand, with my ass in the air. So go ahead and just kiss it.