such seductive silent wine
Twelve in12
Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Uther ~ Jack Whyte
Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory
Oooo! I hate this! What’s wrong? Nothing’s wrong. Just a general unhappy, dissatisfied feeling of being. I should go to therapy or counseling or something, but I don’t want to. Nothing is wrong. I like my clases, I like my roommate and for once, I feel like I’m going down the right path. But I still have this feeling of unsettled, unhappy, discontent, anger, sad, frustrated, devastated and annoyed. Like I want to scream and cry all at the same time – but there’s no reasoning behind it.
This is all part of my life now and will be forever. This is the part of the bipolarism that I hate the most. Nothing is dangerous, nothing is horribly wrong. But I’m sleeping oddly, eating oddly. Gah. What I really need is to get my ass in gear and take control of the situation. Regiment eating, sleeping, exercising. Get everything back in sync. The apartment needs cleaning. Kelly thinks she helps out but she really doesn’t. Not as much as I would like. But not because she’s mean or cruel. She’s just clueless. And there’s only so much I can take of the cluelessness before I throw my hands in the air and just do it myself. But my room is still not organized properly, which throughs my balance off as well. I like pretend that I’m easy-going, and about somethings I can be. But other things – I am the world’s biggest control freak.
And I’m just lonely in an odd way. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. But there’s definitely something missing. I took a nap this afternoon, which is becoming fuzzier by the minute. But the basic premise of the dream was me in my house with my twin sons, taking care of them and having visitors and being a mom, a wife and a woman. I woke up in a very strange manner and my first thought was "Where are my children? I was just holding them, Where are they?" I realized I had fallen asleep and was still half-asleep, and my brain kicked into gear trying to wake myself up so I could figure out where my children went. It took me a few minutes to realize that I didn’t need to get up and look for my kids because I didn’t have any. But that only left me feeling empty and lonely. They were beautiful boys and I’m sad that I can’t see them or hold them now. But they were never real, so why is this bugging me so much? I hate realistic dreams like that. They just made me upset and ornery, which I was already – so now its just worse.
And I didn’t have my coffee today, which is another reason why I’m so grumpy. I must remember. Coffee keeps the grumpiness away and makes me productive. Maybe I am addicted but I don’t care. I’ve got stuff to do and the coffee helps me accomplish them.
If you keep losing sleep over other lovers
If you keep losing me you’re gonna be bored
If you’re up chimney sweep under rubble covers
If you keep counting sheep and being adored
You’re a tombstone in the mud
Playing twister in a bubble again
I need a breath a wind so pure
To dry up the mud over me
To be reborn not born again
Erase my regret from the start
Shot the model
Flaking temporary skin you’re no burden
Such reduction
Such seductive silent wine hop scotch trigger
If you keep losing sleep over other lovers
If you keep losing me are you gonna be
If you’re up chimney sweep under rubble covers
If you keep losing me
You’re a tombstone in the mud
Playing twister in a bubble again
If you keep losing sleep over other lovers
If you keep losing me you’re gonna be
If you keep losing sleep over other lovers
If you keep losing me
If You Keep Losing Sleep ~ Silverchair