July 20, 2008

7/21/08

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Uther ~ Jack Whyte

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory

Somewhere in trying to please everyone else, I’ve forgotten again what it is that I want. Yes, I love my oboe. Yes, I love playing in orchestras. I really have no desire to be a professional soloist. I like playing in church, for benefits, for fun.

Wait. I’m remembering what it feels like to give a recital, to stand on stage and play. I love that feeling. Its an indescribable natural high that can’t be topped. So why do I balk at the idea of doing that for the rest of my life? Why do I think I wouldn’t ~~couldn’t~~ do that as a living, as a career? Am I selling myself short? Why don’t I have that go gene other people seem to have? My cousin and his wife are getting ready to move to Thailand, where he’s setting up a brand new branch office, or something like that. He’s going places, doing things. My other cousin has been to Hungary and England with school. I love my town. I miss it while I’m at my parent’s house. I’m completely not looking forward to leaving and going to grad school. Is it my fear of change? Is it my fear of failure? I’m comfortable there, so I don’t want to leave. That’s just how I am, afraid of change. Happy to settle with what I’ve got and just make it work, make it better.

I don’t know how to break this cycle. I tried with going to college, after the law firm. I did break part of the cycle. I left my comfortable town, my comfortable room, my safe zone and went all the way across the state. Because I couldn’t settle anymore. I couldn’t just sit back and accept the reality that was around me. So I changed it. Sounds easy right? If it was so easy, why can’t I seem to do it again? Why am I sabotaging my chances, my opportunities?

Could it possibly be that I don’t want that life? Is there something inside of me trying to make me see where I should be going? I’m starting to become more and more clear on what I don’t want. There are fewer and fewer doors I want to go through. I’m narrowing down the ideas and options. But instead of finding the answer, I’m only finding the things I don’t want. I don’t want to settle in a relationship. I don’t want to marry just anyone. I want to find My One. He’s got to be out there somewhere right? I’d much rather be alone that with someone I didn’t really love. I don’t want to settle in a job, in a career. I mean, I should find something I love right? Or at least have something that I want to live for. Have something that makes me get up and go in the morning. I deserve that right? Everyone deserves that, so why shouldn’t I? I don’t need a perfect life. I don’t need a life devoid of problems and drama. Because honestly I’m not a Stepford Wife, and have no desire to be so. But to be happy. To have something that makes one happy. To be content. Everyone deserves that right? And I deserve that too right?

Agreed. I deserve that contentment, that happiness. But I have no earthly idea what provides me with that contentment, that happiness. The closest I think I’ve come is when I used to cook for Newfie. Let him sit on the couch, working on his scores and I would cook for us. I really did enjoy that. It was the semblance of a family, of a life I’d never even considered before. But my happiness and contentment was linked to his. It wasn’t mine alone. I couldn’t create that feeling without him being there. And I do not want to be that kind of girl who needs a guy to be happy. Who can’t survive without him. I don’t want to be that girl, right?

Avalon

July 21, 2008

You should certainly live the kind of life that makes you happy. There’s no one way we “should” be. We only get one shot at this life, so it’s up to us to make it a good one. I’m weird about the job thing – it’s important to not hate your job, but I also don’t think it necessarily has to be the most important thing. Lots of people find fulfillment and satisfaction from their careers, and that’s awesome, but I always knew I wouldn’t be one of those people – because I wasn’t *passionate* about anything I could make a career of. Instead, I want a job that I like that enables me to live the life I want to OUTSIDE of it, you know? To me, a job is a means to an end, and the end is What Makes Me Happy – my hobbies, Sir, my family, being able to take a trip or do something fun, etc. Pursue your happiness and satisfaction, you know? Because no one else is going to do it for you. ::hugs::

snipnstaple

July 22, 2008

Extraordinary people don’t settle for anyting. They reach up every day and hope that they’re going to touch the sky. And extraordinary people realize that they may not be able to touch the sky but they’re always going to try. That’s just what they do. It’s not about the reward. If life’s a race, it’s not about coming in first place. It’s a test of your endurance. How long can you run?

How long can you keep going? If life’s a race, it’s not one that you need to win but you do need to finish. Decision making is difficult. It’s difficult and it’s not always necessary. Why do you have to pick just one thing? Why do we have to put limits on the things we picture oruselves doing? People always say it’s about the big picture. If it’s about the big picture then you need more

room to put in every detail. The big picture isn’t on just one little canvas. It’s the gallery the canvas hangs in. It’s the location of the gallery. It’s the lighting. It’s everything. And then I think, people don’t really know what the big picture actually is. While they’re settled in their lives I don’t believe that know what it truly means to be extraordianry while they lead their

ordinary lives. It’s not about money. It’s not about security. It’s about knowing that you are more than ordinary. It’s about knowing that you can and will do anything. What ever that anything is, you’re going to do it. The sky’s the limit? Ha! No it’s not. There is no limit. There is no limit on the wonders and magic that you’re going to create. And as for the one…

It will be someone who as Meredith said, “Wants you to be extraordinary together, instead of ordinary apart.” You are someone I have grown to admire more and more over the years. Someone whose always believed in me and my big sexy brain. You’re someone whose always stood behind whatever decisions I’ve needed to make or didn’t make because I suck at decisions. Failure is not really in your

cards. You’re an amazing woman. And nothing you could ever choose to do would make you a failure. It’s not about pleasing people. It’s about making that harsh world out their your own. Finding your own place in it. Finding a place that just feels good. I believe in you. I’ll be here behind you if you need me. Don’t limit yourself. You deserve something much more extraordinary than that.

Shazar

July 24, 2008

We both sell ourselves short; not that it’s a bad thing, because we do it for our communities, and become beacons for others. At the same time though, there is so much more we are capable of. I don’t want to do much more than I am with my photography; but it’s an injustice to ourselves and those around us to NOT excel, to not strive for where our art can take us. It’s dangerous, daunting, and riddled with fears and doubts, but we’re more than capable of overcoming it all. But… I wish it was as easy as it seems when I stay in my comfort zone… *Hugs* PS: No worries about noting; I know you’ve been super-busy. I’m just glad that you’re still alive! 😛