I’m just a little annoyed

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory

I don’t know what this is anymore.  I haven’t had 24 hours away from that damn place in over a week.  Not to mention I’ve barely slept for a grand total of 20 hours in a week.  And somehow I’m supposed to keep a smile on my face?  First John tries to impart on us how important this job is, how it should be a priority and we need to do our jobs and take our responsibilities seriously.  And then when things go horribly wrong, he says "Oh, who cares?  Its a summer job."  Or I’ll mention how the all-staff really needs a good cleaning, and he says it doesn’t matter cause no one uses it.  Then today he actually sees the place and bitches because its a mess.  He claims there’s no way its been swept in months, or since last summer.  I’ve swept it.  But the place is old and falling apart and the dirt builds quickly.  So is this job just a summer job or a step into reality, into learning how to do a day’s work for a salary?  It’s a double standard or mixed message or something.

I was supposed to have time off to practice, to read, to see friends, to do basic errands like run to the bank or Goodwill.  I barely have time to sleep!  So I’m fucking sorry that my smile doesn’t seem bright enough.  I’m sorry that I’m not extremely chipper and happy all the time.  But I’ve been smiling and pushing forward for so long, and I’ve been putting off catching up on sleep and just letting myself relax.  Eventually that will catch up with me and things will go boom.  I know LeeAnda didn’t plan for her grandmother to die the week everyone would be off.  I don’t blame her for that and I’m going to try my absolute hardest not to bitch to her when she returns.  Because when I got back from Florida, there was not a single word from ANY of the guys about having to cover my shifts.  It was just taken care of.  So I refuse to do that to LeeAndra.  And I know Phil’s stressed, but I need someone to release all this to.  I need someone to take half a second to realize how hard Jason and I have been working and understand this is why we may not be shiny, happy people.  Yes, I need the money.  But not at the cost of my sanity as well.  This is why I left the law firm.  It killed me.  It drove me so far into this place…. I don’t even want to think about it, much less talk about it.  I don’t want to go back there.

So right now – really pissed off.  Really tired.  Really stressed.  Really angry.  For the rest of the day, that job can go fuck itself.  Maybe in 18 hours when I need to be back there, I’ll be able to be one of the shiny, happy people.  But right now – just fuck the hell off.