she’s a pain in the arse
Twelve in12
Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller
Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Cooking, cooking, cooking. It makes me feel so much better. I made more pizza dough tonight and sautated up a bunch of veggies. I went looking online to see how healthy they all were, since I’ve been eating them nearly every day. I mean, I know veggies are good, but I wasn’t sure about onions. And I love onions. Thrown in a hot pan with a little bit of butter…. Mmmm good! So I chopped up onions, green peppers and mushrooms. The more toppings on my pizza, the less cheese I need to put on it. I was waiting for the crust to cook up a bit before putting the toppings on. The veggies were all ready, so I had wrapped them in paper towels to soak up some of the butter and keep them warm. I was hungry and started picking at them. Oooo – so yummy. I could saute up just the veggies and eat those without anything else. I’ve been putting them in eggs, calzones and on pizza, but it occured to me that I don’t need to do that. Just eat them all plain. So good! It makes me feel better to eat healthy. Or at least try to. And eating fresh foods instead of frozen, even better.
So what’s my problem? I figured it out while I was kneading the pizza dough. Its fine cooking for just me, but I wish there was someone else to share this with. This is why I miss Newfie so much. He was someone to cook for, to clean for, to mother. Yes, I mothered him. I didn’t mind doing it. I really enjoyed it. What I don’t know is did I do it for him or just for the actions? Did I really enjoy being the adoring housewife, the stay at home mommy? Or did I do all those things to try and keep him around? Keep him coming back? Give him a reason to need me? I know I tried to keep Mike coming back by offering him what he wanted. But in the end, that didn’t do me any good. I didn’t really want him. I just wanted to be wanted. I still want that. I’d do everything in my power to keep Newfie needing me, wanting me, coming back to me. Before he left, he told me he wouldn’t turn his back on me just because he was 1500 miles away. He would be there for me.
I wanted to believe him, but I had no way of knowing for sure. It’s taken Manny and Settle how many years to prove this to me? Granted, my unreasonable anger and distrust didn’t help; my unreasonable requests for them to be available to me 24/7 didn’t help. I learned how to be understanding and a lot less selfish. I learned how to control my bipolarism and stand on my own two feet, but still lean on my friends when I need the help. It was extremely difficult and I lost friends in the process. Newfie got the benefits of all that learning. In February, I needed to talk to him, but he had work to do and so I gave him space. At least as much as I could. I’m not sure he really understood how difficult that was, and how he pushed me to the limit, waiting as long as he did. But we figured it out. After my complete breakdown, I started to think I could count on him. I started to believe him.
I shouldn’t have. I needed him this week. I tried leaning on Manny and my mother, but it wasn’t right. I needed him. And he wasn’t there for me. I told him I needed to talk to him, and he said he was on his way back to the office. Okay, I get that. But that was Wednesday. Is he that self-absorbed? Did he forget? Or did he just not care? Either way, do I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and continue to trust him, to lean on him? It’s not like I’d completely cut him out of my life. But I need to figure out if I can lean on him, if I can count on him to be there for me. I know I can count on my other friends. Does he deserve that kind of trust?
**Sigh** Back to the cooking thing… I’m not a normal feminist. The closest label I’ve heard that sounds right to me is a conservative stiletto feminist. Sounds confusing? Consider this little scene from West Wing:
"Hayes, you could make a good dog break his leash," Sam remarks about how she looks, before he turns over information to her to check for legal land mines. Then as she turns to go, Sam sees the back of the dress and adds, "Whoa, I didn’t even see that thing from the back."
Sam’s comments were heard by a temporary worker named Celia, who tells Sam that his comments demeaned Ainsley. Later Sam tries to talk to Ainsley about it but she just wants to talk about what she has found in the document she was suppose to check.
"If I felt demeaned I’d be one of the very first people to know it," she tells him dismissing the subject. But neither Sam nor Celia will let it go.
"I’m surprised," Celia later tells Ainsley, "you’re willing to let your sexuality diminish your power."
". . .I think you think I’m made out of candy glass. . . ." Ainsley argues back. "If someone says something that offends you, tell them, but all women don’t have to think alike. . . . I like when the guys tease me. It’s an inadvertent show of respect; I’m part of the team, and I don’t mind it when it gets sexual. And you know what, I like sex. . . . I don’t think whatever sexuality I have diminishes my power. I think it enhances it."
"And what kind of feminism do you call that?" Celia asks.
"My kind."
"It’s called lipstick feminism. I call it Stiletto Feminism," Ginger adds from the sidelines.
". . .Isn’t the point," Celia says, "that Sam wouldn’t have been able to find another way to be chummy with a woman that wasn’t sexually appealing?"
"He would be able to, but that isn’t the point. The point is that sexual revolution tends to get in the way of actual revolution. Nonsense issues distract attent
ion away from real ones: pay equity, child care, honest-to-God sexual harassment and in this case a speech in front of the U.N. General Assembly," Ainsley says, turning back to talk to Sam about the legal land mines she found in the document.
I like to cook. I’m not so fond of the cleaning, but in all actuality I don’t mind it. I like making dirt go away, watching something that was dirty become clean. The only reason I hate doing laundry is the fact that I don’t own the machines and must lug the laundry outside. Makes doing laundry in the winter pretty difficult. I enjoy flirting and as Ainsley put it, I like sex! I like setting up house and arranging furniture, then enjoying my labors. I just wish I had someone to share all this with. Perhaps having a roommate will help relieve some of those desires. It will give me someone to share those things with.
I feel like its the main thing missing in my life right now. Everything else I can get on my own. I can achieve my career goals on my own. I can enjoy my friends and family. I can make reeds, make music just under my own push and will. I can’t will a boyfriend into existance. I can’t will a husband and a family into my life. I have to be patient and wait. Trust that someday I’ll find it. Right?
I don’t talk about my faith much, because its a bit confusing and I’m not as strong as some think. But I do believe in the Bible. God has a plan for everyone. But what if God’s plan for me is to stay single, never marry, never have children. I want to believe God will fulfill my deepest desires and take care of me. He knows what’s best for me, and I must trust him. I just have to accept His plan for me. I do believe that He knows what is best for me in the long run. He can see my future and every step I’ll take along the way. If it is His will for me not to have a husband, and not to marry – I will learn to accept it. I think. This is where I falter. I cannot believe He would deny me this desire. Right? Or did I miss something? Am I wanting a pipe dream? Or worse… Am I believing in a pipe dream?
Am I alone in your heart?
Have I hope with your heart?
She’s such a teaser, she’s such a star.
Give me a reason or gimme a chance.
Am I alone in your heart, or am I alone… ?
It tears me apart.
Doing all I can do, just to be close to you.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
Always up for a laugh, she’s a pain in the arse.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
Give me an evening, or give me a night.
I’ll show you the time, of your life.
I’ll walk you home safe, from the dark.
I’ll give you my jacket, I’ll give you my heart.
But she won’t come dancing tonight,
She’s having the time of her life.
Doing all I can do, just to be close to you.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
Always up for a laugh, she’s a pain in the arse.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
I do love, she does heartbreak.
I did love, till she broke my heart.
I do love, she does heartbreak.
I did love, till she broke my heart.
I do love, she does heartbreak.
I did love, till she broke my heart.
I do love, she does heartbreak.
I did love, till she broke my heart.
Doing all I can do, just to be close to you.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
Always up for a laugh, she’s a pain in the arse.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
I skip a heartbeat for you.
Doing all I can do, just to be close to you.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
Always up for a laugh, she’s a pain in the arse.
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.
I skip a heartbeat for you
Heartbreak ~ Scouting for Girls
Check these guys out!