Dog on a leash

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller
Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

I woke up today from a very odd dream, only to find myself extremely anxious and wanting to go back to the dream.  Ever seen a dog so anxious, he chews through his lead or collar?  That’s what I feel like right now.

Lauren’s still in the hospital and now my grandmother (mother’s mother) has joined the mix.  She had a stroke the other night, but I was only told about it yesterday.  My mother assures me she’s doing fine and everything is going well.  They’re doing some tests today, but she’s fine.  Today a year ago, my grandfather passed away.  Today a week and a year ago, I had my car accident.  I don’t like the month of June anymore.  Right now, the only good to come from June is Settle.  But otherwise, I’d be stomping it off the calendar.

But that’s not why I’m anxious.  So what has made me so damn anxious?  I’m clawing at the sides of a cage that doesn’t exist.  I had a dream about my wedding – although not all of this makes complete sense.  My parents were in this room with me waiting for me to go walk down the aisle, and then it was just me and my dad.  Then I was putting on my makeup, and helping some girl with her hair.  I went into the sanctuary (though it was more like a really big room) and my father walked me down the aisle.  Oddness thing was that I didn’t know who the groom was.  It was clear I was the bride when the big white dress appeared, but I had no clue as to who the groom would be.  I couldn’t even recognize his family.  Then my father lifted my veil and did the whole giving me away thing to Little Santero!  I was anxious in the dream, trying to make sure everything was right and perfect (and really – nothing was going well).  But seeing him, holding his hand – nothing else mattered.  We were getting married and that was it.  I felt safe and protected and well… okay.  We had to let go of hands and do this stuff with the candles that I don’t get now.  Then sit down, me on the bride’s side and him on the groom’s side.  I don’t know why, but I hated that.  I hated not being able to see him.  Then something else happened (I’m waking up and its starting to do that fuzzy fade-out thing) and he turned to me and held out his hand.  The building could have been falling down around me, but the moment our hands touched, everything was fine.  This is why I’m anxious.  Because he’s not here and I can’t just reach out to hold his hand and everything won’t be alright.  I’m extremely confused as to why my brain picked him.  Often times in my wedding dreams, the groom is faceless – even when I’m dating someone.  This is the first time someone, someone real was actually threre.

Yesterday after I got off the phone with my mother, I burst into tears.  There’s only so much I can take in a moment.  I wanted to talk to someone.  Someone who would understand why I’m so scared and crying.  For the first time in a very long time, my thoughts didn’t immediately turn to Manny or Settle.  I thought of Newfie and that’s who I called.  I managed to get through a perfectly nice conversation with his mother (or maybe his grandmother) without bursting into tears.  He wasn’t home, but I could call back in an hour.  But I needed someone right then.  So I called Manny and he was home from work and got me calmed down.  I never got around to calling Newfie back, but I had stuff to do.

And now I’m wide awake and anxious as all hell.