behind your sealed eyes

So this week has been a little bit better. Except I’ve been sick with the head cold from hell. School this semester has totally sucked. Jenny has started to think that I’ve been suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder a little. The car accident followed so closely by my grandfather’s funeral didn’t allow me to deal with the accident. But it also hasn’t allowed me to deal with my grandfather’s death. For the first time ever, I cried in therapy on Monday. I was talking about the funeral on Sunday and how upsetting it was and my feelings about my grandfather dying. Jenny also pointed out that I’ve been saying a lot lately that I don’t like who I am, or refering to not liking this person I’ve become. But she said that I’m not as bad as I seem to think. She also said I need to accept that this is who I am a little bit. I need to be okay with who I am, and even accept that this is part of being bipolar. She used the example that instead of taking steps backwards or falling backwards, I’ve just paused. Its like climbing a mountain. You can go forward and up for a while, but sometimes you need to stop and catch your breath, maybe acclimate yourself to the new height. But it doesn’t mean that you’ve fallen back down the mountain. That’s helped a little bit.

And for whatever reason, this week has been a little bit better. I’ve registered for next semester and a summer course. I’ve figured out that I can actually graduate next May without breaking my neck. I might have to take one hard/annoying course. But it won’t be three courses or stuffing my schedule full and overloading myself. I’ve also started looking at grad schools and getting excited about that. I might take a year off once I graduate to work for a while and make some money. On one hand, I’d like to keep momentum and just go. But I’ll need money, especially if I don’t get assistantships or grants. But I can also defer most of the American schools I’m looking at for a year or two if I need that. I’m having a little fun trying to figure all this out. But there’s a million things I need to figure out. When I start thinking of them all, I do start getting really anxious. But I need to take a step back and just triage a bit. Figure out what I need to do right now and go from there. Break down everything I need to do and start at the top of the list. Right now at the top of the list is the concert on Saturday and the huge music Sunday on the following week. There’s a ton of work to do for that. And my mother is coming into town tomorrow night for the weekend. Which I’m excited to see her and spend time with her. But I do have things that I need to do, so we’ll see how the weekend goes.

If beauty sits the child’s kiss
Of laughter I amend
Can you catch her if she runs?

With this I would share with you
All of this count to no end

Behind your sealed eyes you miss
All that I’ve done for you
Will you catch me when I run?

If timing play evident
What will you say when you’re late?

Stay with me and fall asleep
Pray to God for no bad dreams

Stay with me and fall asleep
Pray to God for no bad dreams

Here… I’m still waiting here, my dear
For one kiss from you
So here… I’m still waiting here, my dear
To kill all of you
To kill all of you

Always & Never ~ Coheed & Cambria