though the phoenix may or may not rise

I talked with Manny today about what to do about Newfie. I can’t. I need so much space and closure. I need to cut him out of my life completely. Right now, its not even like he’s really in my life. But I feel like he’s still drifting out there on the edges. He’s supposed to come back in April. And he has some of my things and I have some of his. We need to trade them back and then I need to walk away. Clean break. No “I’ll see you in the summer.” No “We’ll talk in a few months.” No resume talking date. No deadline. I need a clean break. My heart needs a clean break and my world needs a clean break. I can’t look to the future and see the possibility of him standing there, even just as a friend. Not right now. I need him out. Gone. Instead of learning how to stand on my own, I’m learning how to cope until I see him again. Until I talk to him again. Which isn’t any better. The letter-writing was good to begin with. It was a good place to start. But I can’t do that anymore. I need him out. Gone. There’s no other way to do this. I want us to be able to be friends again someday. I want us to be able to talk like we used to. I want the line, which is now a chasm, to disappear. I don’t want to even know the line exists, even if it does. And right now, its staring me in the face.

I’m doing triage in my life right now. I want to do. I want to go. I don’t know what I want to do or where I want to go, but I know what to do and I want to go. As incorrectly as that is stated, its really true. And its a huge step for me. Two months ago, even a month ago, I didn’t want that at all. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. But now, I’m determined and stubborn and persistent. I want to go and do.

I can’t do that while I’m constantly thinking about him. I used to cut Manny from my life because I couldn’t function without him. I know that doesn’t make sense. But Manny is a person, not a concept. He’s not an object, a crutch for me to use. He has his own needs, his own life. And he can’t constantly be there for me. Just like Newfie can’t constantly be there for me. No one can constantly be there for you. Its just the reality of life. But right now, I’m having problems functioning without Newfie being here. I don’t know how to do that anymore. I know that I can do it, because I’ve made it twenty-three years without him. But I need to remember how to do that and I need to get back to that person. I’m going to fall on my face. I’ve already fallen flat on my face. But I need to do this. And I can’t do this with him in my life. Manny was very careful not to tell me what to do, but he’s one of the people who will call my bullshit when he sees it. Manny said he understands why I need to cut Newfie out. And he thinks I really do need to do it. He warned me that Newfie is not going to like and will most likely be royally pissed. But I need to learn how to climb and go without Newfie holding my hand every second. Without needing Newfie to hold my hand. And I may fall. And I probably will. But he’s got to let me do this.

And when he comes back in April, I will tell him, face to face. I just hope I don’t cry…

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear

Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

Let Me Fall ~ Josh Groban