just like empty picture frames

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s been going on in my life lately. What’s been happening with Newfie and me and how I’ve dealt with it. But also the bigger picture. How I’ve been dealing with school and responsibilities and friendships and life in general. My depression has been building for quite some time, over a year now. I’ve been saying this for a while, just never done anything about it. Keep taking the meds and pretending everything is fine. But I’m sick of that. I’m frustrated trying to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m frustrated with being so unhappy and so depressed. Its not just normal unhappiness, which Newfie didn’t always get. Its persistent, life-altering, lack of any happiness in my life. Nothing gives me the warm, fuzzies. Manny hit the nail on the head today. Film-making and editing gives him this amazing high that can last him a few days. He loves doing it and really enjoys it. Even when it doesn’t go perfectly or excatly as planned. He still loves the process and can’t wait to spend the rest of his life doing that. He said he can’t imagine what it would be like if all of a sudden it no longer had that power and ability. He would be devastated and lost. He knows this is what I go through and he just can’t imagine life like that.

I called him on my way home from Erie because I was tired and depressed, and frustrated with being depressed. I was tired only because I barely got 3 hours of sleep last night. My fault, but I couldn’t sleep and was anxious and so there it is. But the depression I was just annoyed with. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of the depression and I’m fighting back. I remember being stronger, more independent, more GRRRR! I needed some cheering up. Newfie and I had gotten into this weird and annoying fight on Saturday. I was trying to deal with the fact that he broke my heart and I was hurt and angry. I was trying to find a solution or at least take a step in the direction of finding a way to make things better. So we talked and I told him I wanted to cut him out of my life for a while so I could get over this. The bastard fought me on this! On one hand, I was flattered. He told me he didn’t want to get cut out. He wanted to remain in my life and he wanted me in his life. We went back and forth and argued and got mad and whatever. I might have overreacted a little bit. But I’ve been trying for so long to keep all my emotions in check I needed to let them out for a while. The compromise was that I’ll keep writing letters and he’ll call or IM me when he wants. But I’m not going to initiate that. He’ll be here in a few weeks anyways and we’ll see how things are then.

But I was still smarting and I’m still angry and hurt. And depressed. And tired of being depressed. So I called Manny and we talked. I told him I missed the woman who could growl and shake the foundations of the earth. I told him right now I felt like I was growling like Boo from Monster’s Inc. That’s one of our favorite movies and he cracked up at the image. I wanted to be that amazing, independent, in control, strong woman again and I was frustrated that I wasn’t her anymore. He told me that first – I am amazing. Which in all honesty, I need to hear sometimes. I need to hear it from people who were there before and know what I was like then and can see me now. And who aren’t my parents. He told me that I’ve never stopped being amazing and I need to stop thinking or believing that I’m not still amazing. He said that has not changed. And he said that I’ll get back to that strong, independent woman because if nothing else, I’m incredibly stubborn. More stubborn than he, though he never thought it possible to find someone like that. He told me he believed in me and I’d get there. I just needed to take small steps. It was a good call and I did laugh and feel a little cheered up.

I’m still depressed, which I can only tell because the moment we hung up, I felt like bursting into tears. My anxiety level is still through the roof. I can’t tell if the medicine is working yet. I’m taking it every day and actually impressed with my consistency. I’m also taking meds for my hand which has been hurting a bit. They are helping, but my hands are still having problems. I suppose one thing at a time. This semester is pretty much down the drain for me. I’m trying to salvage what I can, but most of it is shot. I have some meetings this week with the people at disability services to get some assistance and “special circumstances” stuff. Which I’m not wild about. I don’t like it. But I need it. I’m not doing well. But I want to be doing better. And this can help me get there. So back to this semester being shot. I don’t know that I can handle school when I’m like this. I don’t that I can handle this many things when I’m like this. So that’s immediate. Take care of this semester. Figure that much out. Get through the rest of this semester and do what I can do. But what about next semester? To be honest, the drugs should be working by now. I should be feeling a little better. I’m just more frustrated and annoyed. Even angry that things aren’t better yet. And my anxiety is even worse. Getting up and out is horrible for me. Takes me forever to get out the door. This can’t continue. Somethings gotta give. I was talking to my mother about this a little tonight. I need to get through the rest of this semester and finish out my commitments. Then the summer will start and I can do summer school and work. But in the fall… What if I’m not any better? I can’t do school and church and friends and all this? It doesn’t seem like a lot, but to me in this state, it is too much. I can’t take all of that. It’s too much and I don’t want to make things worse. My mom said that maybe I take a semester off and stay home. Which maybe its what I need to do. But I really don’t want to do. I want to fight and get through this and get better. I feel like Mouse. They don’t know why her body is not working the way it should. She feels like she’s being betrayed by her own body and she’s fighting with all she’s got, but there’s only so much she can do. Instead of my body betraying me, its my mind. So what am I to do?

I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’m determined not to use Newfie as a crutch, not the way I used Manny. I know they are both there to lean on, as is Settle and Feather. And having friends to help you along is okay, but I don’t want crutches. I need to stand on my own. I need to do this on my own. Even though I’m terrified, I’m annoyed and mad. Annoyed that I’m here again, and mad that this is all happening against my control. So I’m going to fight and by pure stubborness, I’m going to win!! At least, this is Manny’s theory. Then let the world listen to this little Boo growl!

God I hope this works!

Can we talk about automatic satisfaction
Sittin’ back relaxin’ floored
What’s wrong with kickin it
When you’re bored and lit
Lets smoke some cigarettes
And catch up on the back porch
Fire up another roach
We don’t need a rest this is just a test

Cuz we’re alright, we’re up all night
To see the sun come up again now
Just one more time no reason why
To see the sun come up again.

The more we try to change
The more we stay thesame
We’re caught up in the game and now
Just like empty picture frames
So now were to blame
Said we were gettin down, on genesee and fountain
Smelled another mountain now
If you aint gettin down, you’ll come around

And we’re alright, we’re up all night
To see the sun come up again now
Just one more time, no reason why
To see the sun come up again.

So lets smoke some cigarettes
And catch up on the back porch
Fire up another roach
We don’t need a rest, it’s just a test
And as the world spins we’ll watch it with a grin
And look in as the day begins
Well now it’s on again, it’s dawn again. Yeah! Yeah!

And we’re alright, We’re up all night
To see the sun come up again now
Just one more time, no reason why
To see the sun come up again
Yeah we’re alright, yeah we’re alright
Yeah we’re alright, up all night
Yeah we’re alright, yeah we’re alright
To see the sun come up again now!

Up All Night ~ Unwritten Law