Goodbyes…

So about twelve hours after posting the last entry, I stumbled back into my apartment from Newfie’s going away party. It was done up right. I was surprisingly and happily no longer drunk, but completly exhausted. I feel asleep on Newfie on his couch. I don’t know how long I was out before he brought Twix, his cat, over and she woke me up. What a nice way to wake up though!

I will write more later, cause I need to shower and get dressed. But I’m going to Toronto tonight to spend one more night with him. He said something kind of interesting last night, which makes me a little apprehensive about this trip now. He likes to grab for my nose and face. I don’t know why, but he does. He can get one whole hand to wrap around my face and just hold it. Its like a muzzle or something. My reaction to that, or when anyone goes for my face, is to say, “Mine!” just like a little four-year-old. It gets worse with drinking and exhaustion. So he did that at one point and I did the “That’s mine!” thing and he just looked at me with this “Oh really?” expression. And I leaned in closer and whispered, “It could have been yours, but you missed” and just walked away. I heard him kinda say “I know” under his breath. I pretended not to hear, but I did. He did it a lot more that evening and again this morning before I left. I was too tired to fight it and just waited for him to let go. “That’s mine!” and his response was “That’s what you think.” Grrr!

I’m not his. I could have been. I would have loved to be. But he made that decision. Not just the decision to leave, but the decision to try to get his ex back. He made the decision that he needed to try that first. I don’t know if I’ll wait. There’s a lot of balls in the air, which are waiting for him to really leave. And we both have lots of decisions. Okay okay. But still. He’s been doing little things like that a lot lately. He’ll stand really close and we’ll just stare at each other. Its not quite a fourth-grade staring contest, but one of those see whose going to get uncomfortable and break away first. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but generally, overall, I’m fighting the growing urge to just grab his face, kiss him and walk away. I don’t know what would happen after just the grabbing of his face, if I’d even get to the kiss, and then if I’d be able to let go. I really don’t know. I also don’t know if its such a good idea.

But he’s leaving now. And I know he’ll be back. He’s leaving Firefly with me, so I know he’ll be back. But still. Is this going to become something I just wished I’d done? If he goes back and gets back together with Nicole, my window shuts. I won’t kiss him if he’s not single. But what excatly do I expect from the kiss? Its not going to get him to stay, or be with me, so what do I thinks going to happen? Is it really worth it? Can I afford to do it? Can I afford not to do it?