i’m endlessly caving in

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Wednesday, Decemeber 12, 2007Time:3:28 amMood Level:DepressedAnxiety:0=NoneIrritability:2=ModerateHours Slept:8 HoursMedication:150mg Lamictal & lots of alcohol

I’m drunk. And in pain. But such is life. Monday this started? This pain? Sunday night maybe? And its not getting better. It feels like it did when I first had the accident. I thought I was getting better yesterday. And I practiced. BIG MISTAKE! I woke up this morning with absolutly no feeling in my arm. Do you know what its like to feel this weight against your body? Then you poke it with one hand. You try to feel it with your other hand, but you can’t find your other hand. You can feel that hand, or even begin to figure out where it went. How the hell do you lose a hand? How do you lose a whole arm!? So you keep poking this weight with the hand you can find, and you touch it and try to move it – but still don’t know what it is. Then you realize its a HAND! ITS YOUR HAND! I swear, its almost creepier than finding someone else’s hand on your stomach. I hate that feeling.

WHY!? WHY? WHY? WHY? I may have milked it a little bit on Tuesday. But I’m not milking nothing anymore. I want my arm back. In working condition, thank you very much. I want the pain to go away. Or how about this. I’ll compromise. I want to know what to do to relieve the pain. Cause nothing works. The Vicodin works, but not really. My arm still KILLS. Heating pads work, but not really. My arm still KILLS! I now have to call the insurance agency and the doctor and open this whole can of worms up all over again.

And I love my friends. But without exception, they all piss me off at one point or another. I’m going to finish my vodka and go to bed!

Hopefully this entry will still make sense in the morning when I’m sober!

it’s bugging me, grating me
and twisting me around
yeah I’m endlessly caving in
and turning inside out

’cause I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
and I’m breaking out
I’m breaking out
last chance to lose control

yeah it’s holding me, morphing me
and forcing me to strive
to be endlessly cold within
and dreaming I’m alive

’cause I want it now
I want it now
give me your heart and your soul
I’m not breaking down
I’m breaking out
last chance to lose control

and I want you now
I want you now
I feel my heart implode
and I’m breaking out
escaping now
feeling my faith erode

Hysteria ~ Muse