for he will do as he do do

Twelve in12

Currently Reading: Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Macguire

Date:Thursday, 11/1/2007Time:6:13 amMood Level:NormalSeverity:NormalAnxiety:1=MildIrritability:1=MildHours Slept:6 HoursMedication:75mg Lamictal

So last night (Weds night) I went out and got extremely drunk, as expressed by the previous entry. I still can’t believe I actually typed all that correctly. I ended up staying up, eating some food, drinking 3 quarts of water and watching bad TV. I slept pretty well but was awoken at 9am by a banging on the door. I flipped over hoping it would just go away. Except it didn’t and then I heard a key in the lock. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my pants, shoving them on while yelling “Hold on!” It was the maintenance man and he was coming to put a fire extinquisher holder thing on the wall. He’s a nice guy, but I didn’t really want to go back to bed while he was doing this, so I ended up staying up. Had breakfast with Sarah on campus. The company was good, but the food sucked. Such is campus food. I spent the day cleaning the apartment, organizing hymns, studying, getting music ready for Dustin’s wedding and at 7pm I still hadn’t really made a dent in the list of things to do. Some of these things had to be done for today.

So I made the decision to stay up all night. Its been a while since I’ve done that, and I do have a lot of work to do. I made a pot of hazelnut coffee and got down to work. Now the hymns are picked out till Advent and significant work has been made into the Advent season as well. My check book is still not balanced, but the desk is cleaner. I made a dent in the dishes that needed to be cleaned and sorted out some other important things. I was making good progress and actually thought I might be able to shut my eyes for an hour or two.

At 4:49am, my phone rings, that unfamiliar jingle. Mike was calling from Texas. The ship was in Houston and he had just gotten off work. He had a four-hour break before he had to go back to work. I was shocked and speechless. We ended up talking for over an hour. Over an hour. About me, about him, about family, about my depression and suicide attempts, about life, about the future, about the past, about my father. I don’t know how we covered so many subjects. I’ve missed him a lot over the past few weeks. I miss him more when I get to talk to him, but I get back to where I need to be and its okay. I still don’t know when I’ll get to see him next. But he admitted that he’s been thinking about me, worrying about me. He was so happy to hear that I’ve actually been doing better, and I’m going forward full-steam. I adore him and miss him and so wish that he could be around more. But I don’t feel held back by him. If nothing else, I feel like he helps push me forward. He makes me focus on what I want and how to get there. He’s just great for me. He’s always been great for me. He breaks my heart, absolutly. But I’m not sure I’d want it any other way.

I still haven’t told him excatly how I feel about him. I wasn’t sure if it was just me being lonely or just the afterglow of seeing him. But when I give a piece of my heart, I don’t take it back. I love him and that’s just how it goes. I don’t need him to change. I don’t need our relationship to change. I don’t really need anything from him. Well, I’d like to see him before I graduate, but I’m not holding my breath. Its just the way it goes. I really want to tell him. I really do. But not over the phone. I’d like to tell him to his face. Maybe because I’d like to actually see his face again, but that’s not just it.

I thought the phone call would shake me up more than it actually did. He said they are leaving sometime late tonight, but that he would check in before they left. It will be telling if he actually does call. Honestly, I’m not holding my breath. It was great to hear his voice, and now I’m only more focused on my goals. I still want to see him and I miss him so much, but I have no urges to take off to Texas and meet him in my birthday suit. Or look at grad schools in TX that I know don’t really have what I want. I’m just pursuing whats the best for me and what I want. He doesn’t make me nuts, and its really nice.

And yes, this song is for him.

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat

If you offer me pheasant I’d rather have grouse
If you put me in a house I would much prefer a flat
If you put me in a flat then I’d rather have a house
If you set me on a mouse then I only want a rat
If you set me on a rat then I’d rather chase a mouse

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat
And there isn’t any call for me to shout it
For he will do as he do do
And there’s no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore

When you let me in, then I want to go out
I’m always on the wrong side of every door
And as soon as I’m at home, then I’d like to get about
I like to lie in the bureau drawer
But I make such a fuss if I can’t get out

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat
And it isn’t any use for you to doubt it
For he will do as he do do
And there’s no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast

My disobliging ways are a matter of habit
If you offer me fish then I always want a feast
When there isn’t any fish then I won’t eat rabbit
If you offer me cream then I sniff and sneer
But I only like what I find for myself
So you’ll catch me in it right up to my ears
If you put it away on the larder shelf

The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing
The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle
But I’ll leap in your lap in the middle of your sewing
For there’s nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle!

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat
The Rum Tum Tugger doesn’t care for a cuddle

The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat
And there isn’t any need for me to spout it
For he will do as he do do
And there’s no doing anything about it!

The Rum Tum Tugger ~ Cats the Musical