traded your worth for these scars

Date:
10/18/2007
Time:
4:27pm
Mood Level:
Depressed
Severity:
Moderate (significant impairment, able to work)
Anxiety:
1=Mild
Irritability:
2=Moderate
Hours Slept:
Approx 6 hours
Medication:
Lamictal – 25mg

I’m trying this new diary writing thing. I need something to get me talking, get me evaluating how I’m doing a little. I may or may not write down here, but I’m going to try to enter that little table once a day. Just to get me tracking everything.

Last night I went out with Sarah, Kelly, Baboon and Rob to the White Inn. Melissa and Joie were there. It was really kinda of funny. I walked in and Dustin started grinning at me. But rather than sit at the bar, my group took over one of the booths. We were loud and I got extremely drunk. Even more drunk once Rob told me he would drive us home. Cause usually I drink a bit then start to sober up for the drive home. Definitly didn’t do that last night. At one point (I think it was before my 4th screwdriver), I went up to the bar to talk with Dustin and he asked me if I would do a shot with him. So we did a triple shot of Irish Hammer (Jamison and Irish Mist). It certainly got me hammered beyond belief. I didn’t get sick, or throw up. It was a lot of fun. I know Sarah can’t stand Heather, but I like them both and I don’t really care. If they don’t want to be in the same room, they can leave. Anyways, Heather was being…well a little stupid last night.

Yesterday, she went to the hospital because she thought she recracked her rib. The doctor said she had and she also cracked the rib above it. Over the summer she did something that cracked her rib. But instead of taking the time to heal and take care of herself, she played through it all. So her rib never healed properly and too much playing puts stress on it. Which is what she did and then she recracked the rib. She’s all worried, but at the same time, she won’t stop playing and take care of herself. I understand the impulse to not stop, but at the same time, you have to take care of your body. I said that to her. She can keep playing now, but then possibly never play again. I think she’s being immature, but that’s just me. Anyways, they gave her Vicodin for the pain.

She was pulling this “I’m a Southern belle, please help me” crap. She wanted Rob to go home with her. She wanted him to drive me home and then go back to her house. He whispers this in my ear and says, “Please help. I don’t want to go home with her.” It was really quite amusing. She can be so pathetic sometimes.

I was slightly annoyed as well, because I’m in a lot of trouble with this depression. And she just doesn’t see it at all. She doesn’t know thats the real reason I want her to come over often. She doesn’t see that I’m going insane and clinging to reality. Heather, even Manny, can see when I drink that much there is a problem. There is an underlying issue of me not doing well. Sarah’s picked up on it, Dustin and Kelly. Even Rob. But not Lil’ Miss Thang! She’s way too self-absorbed to see anything beyond her own little nose.

This is just really hard to get through and some days, I don’t want to hear her or her problems. Hopefully things get better soon. I’m still just going through the motions and pushing through the attacks and stresses.

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.

‘Cause the weak will seek the weaker til they’ve broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

And I have felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

Cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
When they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of indifferent walls,
Breaking them ’til they’ve become
Just another crown.

And I have felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same.

Refuse to feel
Anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can’t be weak,
Can’t stand still,
You watch your back
Cause no one will.

You don’t know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don’t believe the lies that they have told to you.
Yeah, not one word was true
You’re alright, you’re alright, you’re alright.

And I have felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same as you,
I’ve felt the same.

Simon ~ Lifehouse