in the press of every kiss

So I guess it’s now official. I’m depressed. Have been for a few weeks. I don’t like this. I liked the intense emotions. It reminds me what it was like to feel. I liked the passion and energy it put into my music. But there’s the other side to it all. The darker side to everything. The panic attacks. The suicidal thoughts. The cutting thoughts. The feeling like I can’t think about the future because I don’t think I have a future. The feeling of hopelessness. I’m back on medication. And I’m slowly waiting for it to kick in and start actually taking affect. I’m talking to Jenny. I’m trying not to lie to my mother about anything; school, classes, how I’m feeling. I’m definitly not telling her how bad the nights can get. Because I think she’d quit her job, come out here and sleep on my floor. And I don’t want to scare her or make her overly worried.

This is worse than its ever been though. Cause there’s really no reason for it. My recital is coming along great. There are a few tiny kinks to smooth out, but I feel prepared. My playing in general is coming along wonderful. My reed making is really quite solid. I feel comfortable sitting down and making a reed. Its not always perfect, but thats okay. I have good friends and I’m doing well in my classes. My finances may not be in the best condition, but I feel like I’m not spending more than I can. I’m actually starting to save a tiny bit. Basically, everything in my life is going pretty okay. So why the hell do I spend hours trying to fall asleep? Why am I crying for no reason, having mini panic attacks? I can’t think about the future without having panic attacks. When I say the future, I don’t mean five or ten years from now. When I say the future, I mean five or ten days from now. Why do I go to bed every night fighting the urge to drag a razor across my arms? If there was a reason, I could work with that. But my life is really okay right now. What excatly is going on that would make life difficult for me? Nothing. That’s the answer.

Heather Baboon may be annoying at times. She may be a little self-centered. But she makes me forget me for a little while. She gets me to focus on something else. She comes over and sits in my apartment. She’s not there for me, she’s there for her, but thats okay. She’s just there. I know she’s self-centered and self-absorbed. But her constant coming over and interruptions click me back into something. Something that seems to survive and make it through another day. Sarah hasn’t been that for me. For whatever reason, she’s just not. She’s got a lot on her mind. Heather does too, but she comes over here and spills it onto me.

Don’t get me wrong. Its really annoying sometimes. She can only think about herself. She can only concentrate about herself and her problems. She never thinks outside her life and her problems. She probably looks at my life and thinks everything is really okay. Which is true. Except that I want to kill myself.

I’ve been shaping cane. I use a razor and shaper to cut the cane down into the proper shape. It’s been going pretty well, as long as I’m doing something. Once I finished, I’ve got a razor in my hand and….

It took me a while to put the razor down. I was shaking and crying. But I did put it down and get up. Heather came over and didn’t notice a thing. I wonder if she’d even notice if I was bleeding all over the place. Rob notices. He notices when I’m not me. And he doesn’t even know me all that well. I think that’s what Heather is lacking. The ability to look outside herself for more than a minute. But she’s twenty and I was a little bit like that at twenty. Wasn’t I? Is she a bad friend? Am I making excuses or is she really good for me? I haven’t quite decided yet. I know I don’t trust her, which isn’t excatly good. But I don’t trust anyone, so I’m not sure thats really a sign.

Seriously, I’m just focused on making it through one day to the next one. This puts “Taking one day at a time” to a whole new level.

I’m going to ride this plane out of your life again.
I wish that I could stay but you argue.
More than this I wish you could’ve seen my face
In backseat staring out the window.

I’ll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
‘Cause I will be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I love you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

I’ve earned through hope and faith
The curves around your face
That I’m the one you’ll hold forever.
If morning never comes for either one of us,
Then this I pray to you wherever.

I’ll do anything for you.
This story is for you.
(‘Cause I’d do anything you want me to… for you.)
I’ll do anything for you,
Kill anyone for you.

So leave yourself intact
‘Cause I won’t be coming back.
In a phrase to cut these lips,
I loved you.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up.

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
‘Til you decide to wake up.

Wake Up ~ Coheed & Cambria