Migraine Day Three

It’s going on day three of this migraine. My mom told me she thinks its because I’m dehydrated, which is always a possibility. So I’ve downed fluids (water and gatorade) all day today with no happy results. I slept a good portion of the day, which meant I didn’t get the things done that I wanted to get done today. I mean yesterday. Whenever it was Saturday. Then Heather, the new bassoon, called and said she was having a party at her house and I should come over. I wasn’t going to go but then changed my mind considering I havn’t been out of my apartment since class on Friday. I also want to actually hang out with people and be a little sociable. She and I ended up driving to the store and getting beer and then picking up wine from my apartment.

It was a good evening, although I’m sure the alcohol didn’t help the whole migraine problem. I was going to stay up all night since I slept most of the day and I didn’t want to miss church. But then I was so tired from my migraine, I set multiple alarms, loud alarms and laid down in bed. For over an hour I’ve been laying in bed, trying to sleep. But the pressure and pain in my head, mixed with the heat is not allowing sleep to come. It’s now nearly five am and there’s little chance that I’ll get to sleep tonight. There also seems to be little chance that I’ll lose this migraine in the next few hours. I’m still pounding the water and gatorade, considering that I was drinking and sweating most of the evening. I really can’t miss church tomorrow. I could miss class on Monday, at least the morning class, but I really can’t miss church.

I really can’t believe how painful this is. I haven’t had a migraine like this in a very long time. A migraine that is both painful and persistent. Trying to think about other things.

Sarah and I were talking earlier this past week about Heather, the new bassoon player. She’s loud and outgoing, but really nice and fun. Neither Sarah or I trust though, and for similar reasons. We both figured out that she reminds of people from high school who hurt us, who betrayed us a little. So our knee-jerk reaction is not to trust her. Sarah’s way of dealing with it is to keep her far, far away. My way of dealing with it is to keep her close, where I can keep an eye on her. I found out some more things about her tonight as well. For reference, the friend she reminds me of is Ali. The way they talk and laugh and react is very similar. So at this little party at Heather’s there were other double reeds and some friends of Andrea’s. Also, the orchestra grad student, Rob, was there. I ended up staying a bit after everyone else took off and left. Heather and I started trading stories about our ex-boyfriends. Her most recent ex, Marc, was a doctoral thesis student at the college she transfered from. Now undergrads dating grad students is generally frowned upon, but it does indeed happen. She’s already mentioned Marc and their relationship before, although I could tell there was more to the story she was letting on. I’ve picked up pieces of the story over the past two weeks, but I finally heard most of it tonight. I was getting goosebumps listening to the similarities between her and Ali. Marc is married and a bit older than your average doctoral student. Heather was a college freshman when they first met, though it wasn’t until her sophomore year anything happened. They broke things off because she was transferring colleges and he was done with his thesis. Mind you this is very fresh for Heather. She saw him last a few weeks ago. She admitted to me she still imagines him coming back to her and being with her. She dreams he’ll leave his wife and be with her. But she also said she knows he’ll never leave his wife because they have a baby boy together.

I can tell Heather is trying to get over it, but everything is still fresh right now. I also am not a big fan of cheating. I’m also a little cynical when it comes to older married men going after younger, vulnerable girls/women. I’ll admit Heather is not a virginal high school freshman who doesn’t know anything. Far from it. But underneath all her bravado, she is young. She has seen much and been places, but she is still young. To be so inovlved with an unavailable man, a man who will never be completely yours – is telling. She is young and I feel sorry for her.

Maybe I’m being highly judgmental, but it seems like she has low self-worth. Not low confidence, or self-esteem. They are all connected, true, but they are different. I’m not sure she knows she’s worth more. It’s hard for me to watch someone desperatly holding on to a dream, a hope, that will never be a reality. Does she not think she’s worth more than that? Did Ali not think she was worth more than what McN did to her?

I do remember how hard it was to get over Tim. It was an immediate change. It took a lot of crying and screaming before I was able to move on. I don’t think Heather is ready to move on yet. I never stopped loving Tim, and I doubt she will ever stop loving Marc. But she hasn’t let go of him yet. I saw that tonight, as we sat on her couch and talked. That’s okay. Its not something that happened in an instant.

But I worry.

I worry because she is interested in Rob. And after watching them tonight, I’m pretty sure he’s interested in her too. I don’t really know anything about him. But I worry that she’s going to jump into this and not be over Marc. I worry that Rob is going to be a rebound for her. And rebounds suck. So I worry.

I also worry because I see so much of Ali in her. I’m not sure I can trust her. I don’t blame Heather for that. Honestly, I don’t blame Ali for it either. My inability to trust is older than either of them. But it just makes my life a little more interesting, a little more trying. I don’t know Heather well enough yet to say the things I want to say to her. There are those friends, when you’ve known them long enough or well enough, you can be totally honest with them. You can give them cold doses of reality and they don’t hate you for it. They love you for being such a good friend. I don’t know which way Heather and I will swing. If she will be a good friend, or just a good aquaintence. Only time can tell that.

But she’s good about listening. I talked a little about Manny and Tim tonight with her. I mentioned Mike, but very briefly. And I’m gonna need someone to listen about Mike whenever he gets back from sea. And there’s a huge difference between a 9 month affair with a married man and a three and a half year relationship with a sailor. I don’t know how well she and I will be able to relate.

Three and a half years!! It’s ridiculous! I need a stable, reliable, closer boyfriend.

Actually, I need to try to sleep again. My head is still pounding…..