i need a fix in those heroin eyes

I’m really not sure why I should write, but I feel like there are things I need to get out, get down. I don’t know… School’s been going really well. I like not having any classes before 9am. I can wake up and get set for my day, even clean the apartment a little. The days have been warm, but I keep myself pretty busy. I’m taking Music in the Baroque Period, Abnormal Psych and Italian along with all my “normal” music classes. My recital is in less than two months, so I have plenty to keep myself busy. And I do. I have a lot of work to do every day, but I don’t have that feeling of “What’s not going to get done today that should get done?” There’s a balance or something. I’ve even had a little bit of time for WoW every once in a while, without avoiding my work. My guild is actually quite a bit of fun and I enjoy going online and playing. So the days are good.

The nights are still bad. I’m sleeping better, but its the time before sleeping that my mind starts to wander. I think I’m just really lonely. But I like coming home to an apartment where I’m in control. I realise now that part of the reason things didn’t work out with me and Melissa last year is we both have control issues. She wants things excatly her way, and I want things excatly my way. When those things are not met, we react differently, but the cause is the same. Melissa gets more controling, bitchy and bossy. I just shut down and shut everything out. The other problem was that Melissa was never willing to compromise. There are some things I wanted, I needed to be a certain way. Other things I had an idea how I wanted them, but I didn’t really care if someone else wanted them a certain way. Melissa wanted everything how she wanted them without any compromise or give and take. That’s where she and I clashed. But isn’t that the way it is with everyone? If I could find someone who lets me do things excatly how I want to, wouldn’t I be happy? But that’s denying them the way that they want things done and that would make them unhappy. My parents have the house divided to some degree. Certain rooms my mother is “in charge of” and certain rooms are my father’s rooms. They are allowed to put things wherever they want, how ever they want. But I’ve also watched them compromise with each other on the “public” rooms – living room and porch. The kitchen and dining room are my mother’s. They just make it work somehow. And when I’m at home, I’m allowed to have my rooms how I want them.

But now I’m by myself and I can decide how everything goes. I come home and the sink that I cleaned last night is still clean. I come home and the dishes and furniture are still in the same spot. Kristen and I did a pretty good job at compromising in the living room. Sometimes I wanted her to clean the kitchen more often, but I’m sure there were days she wished I had cleaned my dishes sooner.

The point to all this is me thinking about getting another roommate or just getting a cat. If I get a roommate, I’ll have to compromise and stop walking around naked. If I get a cat, I’ll have to put up some money for the cat. But if I get a roommate, I won’t be so lonely and my rent will be less. If I get a cat, I’ll have a little furry happy. Both have pros and cons. I can also just not do either and keep things excatly how they are.

Except I’m really lonely. I can make things work most of the time, but I feel it starting to get to me. Its those ticks, those little signs in me. I’m lonely, I’m anxious, I’m starting to spin out of control. Nothing serious yet, but slowly. Things are just not all lining up perfectly and evenly. There’s something out of sync, out of line. But I haven’t been able to really put my finger on it yet. If I don’t think about it, I can pretend it doesn’t exist, but eventually it will come around to bite me in the ass.

I want someone to be there for me. Someone to come home to every once in a while. Someone to cook for, someone to talk to about my day and hear about their day. There is a guy I’m semi-interested in. I met him just before the semester started, but I haven’t see him since then. After what happened with Phil over the summer I’m less inclined to put myself out there and go after him. Although really – what’s the worse that could happen? He says no. He says he doesn’t like me? It’s not like I have to work with him, or see him on any type of regular basis. I could just go for it and if it blows up in my face, I’ll walk away and not look back. Yeah, if it was only that easy.

But I need that really great kiss. I need that chemical, that drug, that fix.

She’s got the time
Says she got time on her side
Running the room
Commanding the late boys’ eyes
She runs around,
Knows all the streets by name
So mysterious,
Shadows meet James Dean
She’s intoxicating,
Soon your favorite drink

Your black dress in disarray
Only dance floor prayers can save
Temperatures rise and I start to move
But it’s you that’s coursing through my veins

Say she’s got hope
Took shelter to the Hollywood list,
Taking control
Wanted my heart but I gave her my soul
She’s like a Paige Davis with a Monroe kiss
Disappeared today,
Left no trace
But someday I’ll know your name

Your black dress in disarray
Only dance floor prayers can save
But it’s you that’s coursing through my veins

Don’t need no drugs, you’re my chemical
Now I’m dependent, swear I’m clinical
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight
I need a fix in those heroin eyes
Don’t need no drugs, you’re my chemical
Now I’m dependent, no not cynical
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight
I need a fix in those heroin eyes

She’s no saint, She’s no saint, Shes no saint
But she’ll take you to your knees
Try her boy, but she’ll still do what she please
Do you believe in science? She’s perfect chemistry
She wanted my love but I gave her the rest of me

You’ll adore me before the night is over
You’ll adore me before the night is over

If London’s calling don’t you dare pick up the phone
Only you entwined
Could make this orphan feel at home
Lips that need no introduction, but now waiting for your call
If a picture’s worth a thousand words
Then your touch is worth them all
Worth them all

You’re my chemical
Swear I’m clinical
You’re my chemical
No not cynical

Dance, Dance, Christa Paffgen ~ Anberlin

Shazar

September 7, 2007

I felt as though I were reading my self in this entry. We share the same thoughts, and like you, I think I tend to shut down/ shut out when things aren’t my way. And the loneliness, I feel you there too. I was really looking foward to the sememster, in a new place, new people… but, it’s awkward to be walking around by yourself, when everyone else is huddled in groups. And yes, a kiss would dowonders. 🙂 The best solution – get a guy roommate, who won’t mind you walking around nekkid! 😉