would you be my angel with sex appeal

I didn’t realize how stressed out on life I’ve really been. I finished my paper on American Hymnody Friday afternoon and burst into flames. Well, not quite, but I wish I had. The paper has a great start. The idea and sentiment is there. I think it sucks though. I had a point to the paper, a thesis which I strongly agree with. I just don’t think I did a good job at making the point. I talked about a lot of things, all of which were relevant and made sense. I’m afraid it only made sense in my head though. I really liked the topic and I think I’m right, but I don’t think the paper is well-done. I didn’t read the whole thing through before I sent it out. I mean, I’ve read the whole paper but not in one sitting. I’m afraid its going to suck and I don’t want to know how much. I did a lot of research for it and a lot of reading. And I really think that my position is correct. I just don’t think I proved it well enough. And that annoys me. I could sit down and read the whole paper now and found out if it was any good, except that I’m afraid of knowing how bad it actually sounds. Besides, what can I do about it now?

That paper was the last thing I needed to do for the semester. So upon its completion, I am free of the semseter. My stress-release button isn’t working correctly though and it didn’t really hit me until this morning. I couldn’t get to sleep last night. I laid down and closed my eyes, but I couldn’t sleep. So I watched Season 4 of the West Wing, which came in the mail on Thursday. I refused to let myself watch it until the paper was done. So I watched it last night while I couldn’t sleep. One of the girls in the oboe studio is storing some stuff in my apartment over the summer, since I have free storage and she’s from Ohio. She was supposed to come over around 10am, but thankfully was awake at 8am and brought it over then instead. After she left, I crashed on my couch. I haven’t showered since I started the paper, and I haven’t slept for more than four hours at a time since Tuesday, so I wanted to just crash. My body finally allowed itself to be shut down. I slept all day and didn’t wake up until my roommate left for work around 5 or so. I’ve woken up with migraines before, but usually its instantaneous. I wake up with the migraine already there. This time I woke up into the migraine. I was fine at first and then as seconds passed, it got worse and worse. I couldn’t take being in bed, so I got up and took some medication. I ate a little “breakfast” and returned to the West Wing. The migraine was only getting worse and nothing helped. Light hurt, but darkness made me dizzy. Sound pounded my head, but silence was deafening and then every little noise felt like a 747 in my head. I kept hoping things would get better, but they only got worse. I was nauseous and finally threw up. Surprisingly that helped. I drank a little water and laid back down. After about an hour I had some toast and Jello. I’m feeling better, a little less stressed out. I did have things I wanted to do today though. I wanted to clean the apartment and organize my room. I had things that needed to be mailed and forms that needed to be filled out. I wanted to double-check my paycheck cause I think they made a mistake and paid me too much. I wanted to practice piano and be ready for church tomorrow.

I didn’t realise how stressed out this semester, this year made me. I couldn’t really release it all until after that paper was done. Even after the paper was done, I needed time to actually find the release and push it. West Wing has been helping. I cry during basically every episode at one point or another. I love this show so much. I’ve watched the second season maybe a dozen times and I still love it. Now I have the fourth season and I’m relishing in every moment. It’s helping with the release. It actually feels really good to cry. There’s just something in me that is repairing itself with every tear that falls down my cheek. It feels really good to just let go of everything. I have to get up, take a shower and go to church in the morning. Other than that, I have absolutly no commitments next week. There’s no one I have to met, no assignments to finish, no rehearsals, no rehearsal prep, nothing that must be done at a specific time. There are things I want to do during the week. There are things that have to be taken care of. But they don’t need to be done sometime between class, rehearsals and practice. I can do them whenever I want. I can take three hours or ten minutes. I have this thin three-ring green binder. Glen makes fun of me for it, because it has everyday and every hour laid out in a block form. I can look at this and know where I’m supposed to be every normal waking hour of every day. He thinks its funny, because when he wants to rehearse, I had him the binder and tell him to pick an hour. I would seriously be lost if I didn’t have that binder. Some things I can remember, but with it written down I know I have less chance of forgetting something and missing something important. I can see my week at a glance and know whats going on. I know people use PDAs or phones or even computers, but I like my little labeled boxes and pencil scratches. I’m a paper and ink kind of girl. I like to see things actually written down as opposed to just spoken out loud. I remember things better when I have to write them down or when I can see them written down for me. Typing is fine, but pen and paper works best for my memory. Anyways, I love my little green binder. I would be lost with out it. But I am so looking forward to a week of not using that book or looking at it.

I can’t believe how stressed out I’ve been and how stressed out I still am. I mean, its over. The semester is over and done. I’m not even sure what excatly I’m stressing about anymore. I’m just tired and stressed and I want it to stop for a moment. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to be relaxed, to let go just a little and release my grip. There’s a new show coming out on USA called the Starter Wife. In one of the commercials, Debra Messing says “All I need is a really great kiss.” I feel that right now, that’s where I’m at. I need a really great kiss. I need to not think about anything but the moment. In an episode of Dharma and Greg, he can’t stop his mind from racing and thinking. He doesn’t know how to relax, so he takes a day off of work to try and meditate and relax himself. He spends the day alone and gets nowhere. Dharma finally comes home, kisses him and askes him what he was thinking. He found that when he was kissing her, he was truly in the moment. He wasn’t thinking of anything but that moment.

I just need a really great kiss.

Find myself
Lookin’ for
Some company

Beautiful
Multiplied by two

One is only half as much as it could be, Baby
With you, Woah Yeah

Would you be my hey
How do you feel
Would you be my angel with sex appeal
Would you be my sweet taste of caramel
My kiss and tell
My kiss and tell

Animals are makin sense
Their seasonal
Relationships
Let’s begin
I’ll be your friend
You’re bendinere
Cloudy or clear

I’ll still be here
I’ll still be here, yeah

Would you be my hey
How do you feel
Would you be my angel with sex appeal
Would you be my sweet taste of caramel
My kiss and tell

No reason to be shy
No pleasures to deny
No promises to keep
Ain’t the one thing worth losin’ sleep baby

Do you know what that is
Do you know what that is
Do you know what that is

All I want is someone to believe in me
Just be free with me

Would you be my hey
How do you feel
Would you be my angel with sex appeal
Would you be my sweet taste of caramel
My kiss and tell
My kiss and tell

My kiss and tell
My kiss and tell
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Kiss and Tell ~ Michael Tolcher